Sense and Sensibility

Jane Austen has been the greatest influence in my love life so far, besides my coach. Her stories are the only reason why I can continue to believe.

Tonight I watched again the mini TV series Sense and Sensibility produced by BBC. And certainly I cried again. I think relationship problems back in the early 19th century were nothing different from those we have today. Only the formalities are different, and back then they never used the word "relationship" or "boyfriend/girlfriend". Instead, an "attachment" evolves into an engagement very quickly and engagement is the exclusive committed relationship that leads to marriage. This is exactly the kind of relationship I want.

I don't think the story itself ended with sense triumphing sensibility. Marianne is still an open, emotional woman who truly falls in love with Colonel Brandon. I don't think sense is better than sensibility in love. What Marianne had for Willoughby was obsession rather than love. I think love requires both sense and sensibility but sense is only used when we get caught up on someone who doesn't really care about us.

I had a blind date with a guy I met online. When we talked online, I actually found him really sweet and intelligent. I thought he was really emotionally mature and a real gentleman. But when we met in person today, I realized he is shorter than I and he has microtia. I don't know how bad his hearing was but he talked rather loudly. He was very anxious and kept on talking excessively. I felt very stressed during the date because even though I've dated fat, skinny, short, ugly guys, I couldn't see myself dating a somewhat facially deformed man. I told him I couldn't have a second date with him and told him what happened with my drinking night with Ken two days ago. I lied to him that I was still in love with Ken and that I was emotionally available. I felt too much tension from our interaction and maybe I am really shallow. I really try to forgive myself this time because I couldn't feel attraction to the handicapped. I myself am perfectly healthy, fit, beautiful, smart, and the whole package and I really want to be with someone like myself.

Sense and Sensibility reminds me of Mark, who is 17 years older than I. But since he's gone, there's a new guy who's been taking me to nice places. He's 18.5 years older than I. I haven't come up with a pseudonym for him at the moment. Could he be my Colonel Brandon?

For the first time...

I feel so happy since my dog's death.

I went to a bar/club by a swimming pool at a five-star hotel with Ken tonight. Ken just returned to the City of Rain because he just quit his job in the City of Gold.

There were tears because we talked about my dog again and there were lots of laughters. We talked about work, family, dating, etc. Somehow he has that magic to make me keep smiling. Is it because he's emotionally unavailable and I'm just still attracted to men like that? There were moments when we were just silent and looked into each others' eyes with nothing but a smile. I felt safe, I felt happy, I feel settled in. 

Grief

It's been almost three weeks since my dog passed away and I haven't recovered from grief. There are days when I actually feel happy (especially those days when I'm teaching kids) yet there are days I wake up with great pain and guilt missing her.

Today is one of those sad days. I woke up recalling images of Baby that afternoon before we rushed to the ER. That Sunday I had four outbreaks of diarrhea, even during the morning when I was lecturing. I think Baby was sending me a message telling me she had problems with her intestines. I got home in the afternoon; she was feeling weak after my parents took her to the vet in the morning but still able to walk.

Later my parents went out to buy sports drinks for her because according to the vet she couldn't drink water for 6 hours and then we had to start feeding her sports drinks. I took her to my bedroom to rest. She was napping. Then I was feeling pain in my stomach and went to the bathroom. That was the fourth outbreak of diarrhea that day for me. Baby was very weak but she still dragged herself to the bathroom mat and sat there to wait for me. After I finished, I asked her to go back to the bedroom with me and she couldn't get up. So I held her and put her on her towel to rest. Then she was sleeping again. I realized much later that was the last time she was conscious before she was gone. She struggled to be with me for the last time when I went to the bathroom., to see me one last time.

I love you so much. I feel so guilty. I love you so much, so much that I really don't know if I can get up again. Baby I love you. I am so sorry.

I surrender.

I surrender! What more do you want?

I've been screaming this line from Life of Pi all day, not out loud, of course. I'm missing Baby so much. My chest can barely contain the grief. Then I thought of Mark, Ken, and Caesar. Caesar is a guy I met online but lives in the City of Gloom. He's such a caring person and we want the same thing in life but at the moment he's too poor to come visit me in person. I thought about how the Universe, or God, is taking everything away from me, except for my life.

It took away the City of Gold from me. It took away Baby. It took away all these men from me. Baby was the only reason that made being back home more pleasant than being in the City of Gold. Without Baby my home is dead. My parents are literally dead people walking.

If healing means believing whatever has happened because of love, because of the love life has for me, then what do all these means? It's so hard to keep believing that something better will come along after being traumatized by grief and anger. Is there anything better than Baby? She was the best thing in my life. For the first time I could love and learned how to love unconditionally. She was so innocent, so honest, and never hid how she felt from me, and I loved whatever she had, no matter how naughty, how rebellious she got. What's there for me ahead of me? Something even better? I cannot imagine that. I intend to keep believing something even better is right in front of me. I need some sign to reinforce my belief.

Mar 17, 2007 -- Jun 2, 2013

The biggest love of my life, Baby, died on Sunday due to acute intestinal bleeding. It happened all too suddenly and I watched her bleed, pass out, and then gone within just a few hours. No vet was able to find out the cause. It seemed to be some kind of poison but rat poison has been ruled out. She was still energetic and happy the night before, but the next morning she started to vomit more. I had to work on Sunday morning so my parents took her to the first vet. Her body temperature and heartbeat were still fine in the morning. After I came home in the afternoon, she was still able to walk but weakly. Then, the bleeding resumed and it was unstoppable. We rushed her to a different vet and the vet said she was in a very desperate situation and injected a shot to maintain her heartbeat. After that we transferred her to another vet that has 24-hour monitoring but by the time we got there, Baby's breathing was already difficult. They put on an oxygen mask on her right away but a few minutes later, she was already in shock.

After 30 minutes of resuscitation Baby was still gone. I kept praying for a miracle from the Universe or God. I kept begging them not to take the biggest love of my life away from me. I wondered why it is taking everything I love away from me. I kept talking to Baby while the vet gave her CPR. I kept telling her she was such a good baby and we were going out for a walk. I kept saying "come on, let's go!"

I've been crying my eyes out. I woke up in the middle of the night because Baby used to wake me up at night to go to the bathroom or to just sleepwalk. I cried. Then in the morning I woke up but she wasn't there, and I cried again. I went to the first vet in the morning with so much anger and the vet showed me her medical exam report and x-ray and her condition was really puzzling. There was nothing in her stomach but the intestines were swollen. Her life signs didn't show symptoms of rat poison and her liver wasn't inflamed either. Usually when a dog is poisoned by some toxins, their liver tends to inflame. It really happened too quickly.

It was so hard not to blame myself. I'm trying very hard to forgive myself. The night before I was saying that there was nothing in the world that's worth living for. Baby heard that. Maybe she was sad that I didn't consider her a reason to keep living for so she decided to leave first. I feel so guilty. What if it's really my fault? I feel so so so guilty.

Wedding Triggers

Today I went to one of my best friends' wedding banquet. So Mary has been married to her husband for 1.5 years now but they never had the official wedding banquet until today. I felt so touched watching her husband holding her hand the entire time and couldn't help but wonder when that'll happen to me.

I was wearing a nice dress and the wedding made me feel very lonely. It was a small wedding and I don't think any guy there was available and nobody talked to me anyway.

So after the wedding I tried to text several guys I dated to see if any of them would like to take me out. I was feeling very beautiful in the floor-length chiffon dress and didn't feel like going home so soon. I asked Mark, Frank and PB. Here's what I got:

Frank wants to see me again but he's too tired to take me out.

Mark has finally made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me.

PB disappeared from Earth completely. I haven't seen him online for days; his phone doesn't work. I feel a little worried if something happened to him. Another possibility is that he left the City of Rain.

I cried on the train on my way back. I felt so lonely and scared, so unwanted. What I want is so simple, so pure, yet so difficult. He doesn't need to take me to fancy places or buy me fancy things; as long as he's always there and can be with me quietly and hold my hands and hug me every now and then. We can have a perfectly simple quiet life somewhere...

Someday one man will tell me, "I love you and I want to be with you. You're the most amazing girl in the world. Will you marry me?"

And I will cry and smile at the same time and tell him, "yes."