The comfort spot

I'm been looking for chatrooms or online apps like those for a while but in vain. I haven't been able to talk to someone heart-to-heart for such a long time that I can't even remember for how long. So I've been wondering if there's some chat-room online where I can just say something from the heart and get some warm feedback from others. Then I found this website called "the comfort spot" and I posted the following:

I've been struggling for everything by myself my entire life. Tonight, yes, a Sunday night, I had to go to a dinner with my boss to talk about work. I am obviously better at what I do and much more intelligent than he, but I had to sit through the whole thing listening to what he considered to be "great ideas" which are in fact pretty much nonsense. It was stressful and frustrating. I also felt extremely uncomfortable. I understand that this is common in business and we all have to deal with it, but it would feel so nice if someone can give me some kind of affirmation and hold me for a while. But never once in my life that someone does those things to me when I'm going through a difficult time. I really really hope just for once in my life someone can tell me that he's always there for me and I never have to be afraid again.

Dear X, talk to me please.....

Big Hero, Ken, Kendra, Baby, Trip Planning, Loneliness

I just saw Big Hero 6 in 3D tonight and cried my eyes out again, just like what I did with pretty much every other classic animation movie. Is it because I'm an empathetic person that I feel strongly what others are feeling? Or is it because I've been through what they've been through? But in the case of Big Hero 6, I haven't lost any family members besides Baby so I can't say I've been through what Hiro went through. Why do I feel touched so easily?

I'm asking questions to which no one has answers. I haven't written for a while. I've been quite busy, and lazy. Lately I've been planning a 5-day trip to the East Coast with my parents because I've never been there but I've heard many good reviews about that region and seen so many unbelievable pictures of the nature there. It turned out most of the logistics and boarding there have been fully booked and it took me days to re-arrange a new route and find ideal transportation and housing. Now the itinerary is pretty much settled; I just have a few more tickets to book and the trip should go smoothly.

Besides the trip, my life has been quite the same. I miss Ken every other day; I imagine our wedding vows, our conversation as a married couple, the old times when we were together in the City of Gold, and sometimes I get angry at home. I feel angry that he just disappears like that and never thinks of me; I feel angry that he seemed to care about me but in fact wasn't. I feel angry that he has left me so confused.

Besides Ken, images of Baby also come across my mind probably every two or three days. It's less frequent that before but every time when those images show up, I break down into tears and can't control myself. I'm sure this is love. Love never fades; my love for Baby will never go away or be replaced by any other dog. She's unique, she's my one love.

I've come to notice something in those animation movies that move me deeply--all the successful teenagers grew up in broke families, usually involving the death of their parents. It's the same with Big Hero 6, How to Train Your Dragon, Frozen, Cinderella, Stardust, etc? Does that mean most people's success is driven by their separation and rejection from their parents? If that's the case, is success really success, or is it just a way people fight their loneliness and feeling of isolation?

Most heroes are driven by a cause, and that cause usually sounds bizarre. Hiro was driven by his vengeance and his frustration from being alone since he was a child. Hiccup was driven by his loneliness as well, the emotional void that came from not being understood by his own father and the absence of his mother. Take my academic achievement as an example, it was merely driven by my search for the ideal romance and love; studying and thinking somehow became a channel for me make myself believe that my reality isn't representative of what the world really is. I wanted to do well academically so that I could become independent from my parents asap and finally be free and be myself so I could meet the one. Sick, isn't it?

So no one is fucked up if everyone is fucked up in this world. I believe our culture, the Western culture at least, is encouraging independence from our parents. That why all these books and movies and legends involve characters who grew up in broken families. But none of these works has explored in depth the emptiness inside of all these characters. Yes, Elsa still has Anna but no man is gonna love her and spend the rest of his life with her. Hiro's only emotional dependence is his robot. Baymax is all he had. Is this something every human being should move towards? You see, all the movies also tell stories about a young man or woman going through adventures in order to find one companion in life, whether it's a dragon, a robot, or a sister. This is an obvious indicator that people today are very lonely. I am not the only one; I'm just the only one accepting, admitting, and learning to feel and live with it. People get angry at me when I am emotionally overwhelmed by loneliness, but I think that's a result of their refusal to face their own loneliness. If people aren't lonely, these blockbusters wouldn't have been so popular and widely acclaimed.

Please hold me tonight. I miss you so much.

I need to talk to you now.

X, I need to talk to you now.

I had a huge fight with my mom tonight when she dropped by my place to bring my cleaned laundry. As we were talking about my brother's future career prospect, one thing led to another and we were back on the sensitive issue that she and my father don't trust me and brother and they can't accept us for who we are.

There were many issues involved, money, reputation, shamefulness, etc. She and my dad still want me to work at a big company and be a CEO or something like that. She and my dad still think that I'm teaching because I'm afraid of challenges and I'm lazy. At one point I got so angry and screamed and tried to smash a glass bottle on my kitchen counter. It didn't break, and fortunately it didn't break. Or I might get hurt or my mom could get hurt.

As we were fighting, the animation Book of Life was playing. I wasn't watching but near the end of the movie, a father said to his son "I am proud of you." My mom was about to leave, I asked her, "are you proud of me?" She simply said, "let's just cut off our contact and everything." I was so mad and continued, "you were never proud of me. When I got into the best high school, you weren't proud of me because it was just a high school. When I got into the best university you weren't proud of me because it wasn't the most popular department. When I got a fellowship for a phd program you weren't proud of me because I got kicked out. When I got my master's degree you weren't proud of me because I had to pay for it and I couldn't find a good job with it." She was silent and left.

For all my life, I've always wanted a loving family. After a lot of soul searching and self help, I realize it's impossible to have one unless I have a loving relationship with my parents. That happy ending won't happen unless there's a happy beginning. I thought my parents have matured over the years and I am so old now, but they haven't. They're still so ashamed of themselves that they seek fame and social status from us. Perhaps not seek, but they want that for us because they don't have it. But that's not what I want. Why can't they just accept that and be proud of that?

The first person I would like to call after this mental breakdown was Jes. But he's married now, and it can't just call him for things like this. Then I thought of Ken. Oh Ken, he made me cry earlier today. Somehow I felt like surfing Facebook on the subway and I saw his latest mobile upload. He's not my friend on Facebook but somehow that one mobile upload on Jan 1 was visible to me--he was golfing in Bali. Yes, Bali. Damn.

Ken is one of the few guys who have been through my family drama with me. Jes, Ivan, Cato, Ken, and Frank have. Well, Frank really didn't do anything. I was sad and he hugged me when I cried and bought me some bubble tea. He also let me crash at his place but he didn't say anything. The last time we talked he hated me for dumping my drama on him.

The other four guys were all supportive. I always calle Jes whenever my family made me sad, until one day he decided to ignore me and shut me out of his life. We already know all the sweet words Ivan said to me when my family got me down; Cato was very reasonable and supportive too, which was why after we broke up I still had the courage to call him for comfort.

Ken went through some drama with me because we were living together. Also, after I quit my job in the city of gold, there were so many things in my family stressing me out and he was there for me. He said I was thinking too much but he never blamed me or judged me. I guess that's because he understood where I came from, like himself, I love everyone but myself. Ken made me feel so sad today. I don't understand fate. Why did he choose to go to Bali? Why did he choose this time to go to Bali as I did? Why did we end up in the city of gold at the same time? Why did we quit our jobs and move back to the city of rain at the same time? Why did we go to Bali at the same time?

I deactivated my Facebook again upon seeing that picture. I don't wanna know if he went there with a girl. It simply hurts too much. I have to forget him. He treated me like a slut and used me for whatever that was to him.

So I have no one to talk to now. X, please say something?

X: my love, I understand all the craziness in your family and I feel your pain. I've seen all your struggle and I know how hard you've worked and how much pain you've been through to get here. I adore your struggle, true preserverance and paramount will power like a fearless fighter. You've already made some impossible possible. Just when no one believed in you, you never gave up and fought till the last second. This has been proven in some of the best accomplishments in your life. People always awe upon hearing your stories. You have accomplished so much more than anyone of your age and most of your peers. You had limited resources and worked your way through all the obstacles and live an enjoyable life now. None of those rich kids can compare to you. I admire you, I adore you. I am proud of you. I'll hold you to sleep tonight. You can cry in my arms and I'm right here and won't go anywhere. Nothing else matters now. You can let go of them. 

2014 Gone

I don't have much talent. A lot of people are able to write their pain and grief in words, music, or paint them; I think I'm good with words, but I'm still struggling with the right words to express my feelings.

Yes, again, I'm alone on a New Year's Day. I'm sitting at WB by myself having a mojito. Somehow there are tons of people packing this bar and I'm surrounded by uninteresting typical bar talks. I thought the bar would be quiet today because most people are out of town for the long weekend. But anyway, I'll just stick to my goal tonight--writing an entry summing the past year and the first day of the new year,

I just came home from Bali yesterday. Bali was great. I didn't have any alcohol there at all. I was irritated by Australian schoolies and party goers in Kuta and Seminyak. The traffic was often jammed during the holidays. I almost got scammed by a money changer in Kuta who put up a sign for an incredibly high exchange rate and turned out to be practicing sleight of hand and hid 500,000 IDR every time when I took over the bills. Other than those, my trip was so amazing, relaxing, and filled with love.

I had a cooking class on my last day there. My teachers were two local Balinese cooks who spoke a little English and yet I was able to feel their affection and warmth easily. I learned a five-course meal with one appetizer and two desserts. The kitchen was so hot and at one point I almost gave up learning all the dishes. But I insisted, and appreciated the strength of local Balinese. I finished the class, and had enough food for both myself and my brother for both lunch and dinner. 

To sum up my trip, Bali is beautiful and artistic. I wish I could have brought home all of their handicrafts.  My sketching teacher was so talented; my cooking teachers were so talented; my rafting man was so talented; the local drivers were so talented since they were able to swift through the crowded traffic with their SUVs without a scratch.

But then, I was all alone. No one talked to me when I was hanging out alone on the beach or at a bar, which is usually the case every time when I go to a bar anyway. I'm so fed up with being single, but then according to my brother's experience with his gay partner and the self-help book I've been reading, emotional deprivation always plays a role in any relationship. It's true. I felt that during my trip with my brother too. He is better than any of the men I've been with and very patient with me, but there were still times when I felt so angry about his inconsideration and oblivion. I would be quiet for hours to go through my anger and pain, and then we'd be fine. I guess even the most successful relationship would be like this--I don't expect to be happy and sweet every day, but the two people never give up on each other no matter what, because we understand and trust the nature of the other person, which is kind and deep-feeling.

Then I had a quick review of all the New Years eves in my life--there was only one New Year's Eve when I wasn't alone, which was the countdown to 2009 and I was dating Ivan. However, after the countdown he disappeared to talk to D on the phone wishing her a happy birthday. So I was alone after all. I remember the NYE in 2009, which was when Ivan and I broke up and I was alone at home. On the NYE in 2010, I was in the city of power and I went to the local landmark alone assuming there would be fireworks but there turned out to be none so I went home alone after the countdown. On the NYE of 2011, I just broke up with Cato and had a nervous breakdown in December so I flew back home and spent the night with my dog Baby, which was what we used to do when I was in college. On the NYE of 2012, I just quit my job in the city of gold and all alone. I walked along the pier and watched fireworks. After that I went to a bar and had a champagne by myself. On the NYE of 2013, I was on a small farm at my alma mater watching fireworks from afar by myself because Alex chose his long time girlfriend over me. This year, I landed in the city of rain an hour before noon and worked for a few hours and passed out for some time in the afternoon. In the evening, my parents dropped by and I gave them some gifts from Bali. After that, I just kept cleaning my room and unpacked my luggage till 3 a.m. Now my room is filled with Balinese art.

What really prompted me to leave my apartment tonight was the phone call with Jes. I kept having this headache in my left cerebrum and was still too tired from my trip so I had no intention to leave my apartment. After watching This is Where I Leave You in the afternoon, I felt quite sad and wanted to give it a try again.

Previously I tried to call Jes but like I wrote before, it was forwarded to a voicemail of an unknown man. Tonight I just really felt like talking to him, so I tried again. And it worked. He answered and I first checked with him "hello, is this Jes?" He replie, "yes." I continued, "really? Jes Nelson?" He said, "yes." I said, "well, happy new year, this is Kendra." He sounded surprised and somewhat excited (I guess?), and the we started conversation trying to catch up. He told me that a few months ago he tried to find me on Facebook, email, and the phone but couldn't find me. I told him I did the same thing as well. Then I just felt bittersweet. This was a moment when I didn't know how to put my feelings in words. Yes it was sweet, and yet bitter and painful. Why do we always miss out each other like this?

Not surprisingly, he's married. Surprisingly, he's not married to his step sister that I assumed he'd be married to; he met some girl in September and got married in December. He said it was a good match from the very beginning and they were officiated as a couple at the local courthouse. They didn't have a wedding. He doesn't plan to have kids until he's saved up enough money in a few years so that he can be a stay-at-home dad. I felt sweet and jealous again.

There are a few things that still confuse me, the one on top of mind being--does he love her? I just think, intuitively, if someone marries someone so quickly, they must be certain that the other person "is the one" and they're "madly in love with them". Somehow he didn't use any of those words. He just said they first talked about their childhood, and they shared a lot of common interests. That's it. 

I had to congratulate him but I cried too. I don't think he could tell that I shed some tears. After the phone call, I decided to get out of my bed and put on a nice dress and come to WB.

Why? I haven't been on a decent date for ages. Probably not even once during the entire 2014. I dated Michael, Sean, and Roy, none of whom took me to a nice classy restaurant where I could show up all dressed up. I packed some nice dresses with me to Bali, hoping that I could meet someone who would ask me to go to a nice Christmas dinner, but of course, that didn't happen.

In December, I thought of Jes many times. When I was in Bali, I kept thinking about our pledge--if we're both single when I turn 30, we'd get married. He said if that happened, he'd move to wherever I live even if it's somewhere as expensive as the city of gold because he'd figure out a way to make a living. But now, he's bailed out from our pledge. He's met the one (I hope) and I'm really all alone.

While I was in Bali, images of a lot of men crossed my mind. I don't wanna write about them again. I find myself in a very chaotic state--I'm not sure who I love most. I think I love Ken most, since he's shown up in my mind most frequently, but as I recall those moments when he refused to go out and have fun with me or refused to tell me how he felt about me, I find myself feeling less and less for him. Maybe I love Jes most. We've known each other for ten years. Time really flies. I kept remembering the moment when he told me on the phone that he did love me and that it was so painful for him because we lived so far away. Every time when I'm really at my abyss, he's the only person I feel comfortable talking to. Tonight was no exception, but he's married now so I couldn't speak the truth about how I felt.

After dating all kinds of men, I wish Jes and I had a chance to meet in person and develop a real relationship. Or I (or we) would spend the rest of my life wondering if we'd always loved each other and if we would be each other's happy ever after.

Seriously, I've dated really old men, younger men, shorter men, taller men, local and foreign, educated and uneducated, rich and broke, depressed and not depressed, jaded and emotional, single and not single, employed and unemployed, fat and skinny, big and tiny, well-travelled and conservative, literally every kind. Where are you, X? I'm quite mad at you right now. I think you're not working very hard to get to me.

I'm feeling so many things right now and I can't really use a few simple words to describe the intertwining emotions I have in my gut. 

But of course, there are many things I feel happy about in 2014, mostly financial and career wise. I'm glad I've become such a popular teacher now. My course offerings doubled in 2014, and I've saved enough money to pay off all my student loans and a luxurious trip to Bali for myself and my brother (yea since he's broke I had to pay for all his expenses). I feel really lucky that there are so many students who adore me. I'm also happy that I'm good at my job and I love my job. I'm glad Ken came to me when his cousin died and showed his profound sadness in front of me but no one else. I'm glad I'm still feeling everything and haven't become one of those numb, jaded, cynical workaholics who have nothing else left in their life but money. I still feel everything intensely. I still cry at every episode of how I met your mother and modern family. I still cry upon the thought of Baby. I still cry at every romantic comedy. I cried upon seeing the pictures of the family of the victims of AirAsia. My tears just rolled down like that in the business class lounge which was full of people.

I'm also glad I had the courage to farewell and say no to my friends who weren't supportive and numbed by their own life. My friendship with Carol is over. She had been my friend since 15. She was fed up by my grief caused by relationships and told me that her only goal in life was money. There were a lot of language games involved and I am in no mood to repeat them. I can't be friends with people like that because that's bad influence to my own beliefs and vibe--a world without love is not worth living in.

I am gonna sum up this reflection entry with something I heard in This is Where I Leave You-- The past is the prelude and the future is a black hole, but right now, hurtling north across state lines for no particular reason, I have to say, it feels pretty good to be me.