There is a light in your eyes.

Sunday. I always feel scared on Sundays. I get scared of unknown turmoils in the coming week, or on Mondays. I'm scared of my boss. This week I'm also scared to find out about the result of my big interview. I feel confident that I did well but uncertainty still scares me.

In the afternoon I was hanging out at one of the piers and getting in the warm sunshine. Lots of couples were walking on the streets in funny costumes. As I listened to Payphone by Maroon 5 I thought of Ivan, and then tears just rolled down my face in public. It's been three years since someone actually loved me. Why did fate have to end us?

I miss the time when Ivan went through all the worst difficulties with me. He took me to visit his friends and then the City of Magic. We fought but I never felt scared.

Eric said I need to find someone who can do the relationship dance and is very patient and there are very few of them in this 21st century culture. He thinks I have idealized virginity and emotional connection.

When Ivan and I were dating, we tried to understand what love is. He came up with Robert Heinlein's quote: "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." I didn't quite understand it back then, but I understand it now. He tried so hard to make me happy because it was essential to his happiness. And I was too childish to cherish that.

It's been three years and it still hurts.

Another Year

As people are dressed up for Halloween tonight, I realize I have been single for another year. This time of last year, Cato was holding my hand and kissing me on the streets in public. I had adrenaline rushes nonstop.

Last night Ken and I fell asleep on the same couch after watching a DVD of Love's wedding. He was quite drunk last night but I was sober. Eventually I had to cab home at 2 a.m. alone. Although he called today and apologized, he didn't plan things for us today. Then I felt disappointed.

I tried to take care of myself, did grocery, housework, and got flowers for my apartment. In the evening I took a walk along the ocean while listening to one love song. This city is so beautiful and I suffered so much to be living in this city. I stopped and sat down at a quiet spot and watched the ocean at night. Then I cried. The spot was in fact very close to Ken's apartment. I cried for more than an hour alone. I was thinking about Cato, about Ivan, about Matt, about Ken, and about Eric. Eric is a guy I met recently and we connected very quickly but he has a girlfriend for five years. Ivan is happily married now for 5 months and perhaps he's going to be a dad soon. I kept wondering why I am always alone. I have been single for another year, again. I haven't been kissed for another year. Nobody has held my hand for another year. No one has held me tight for another year. I know I can always go to a bar and get drunk and get those things from a random guy but I want something that lasts forever. Does that mean I have to continue to be a patient nun for some more time before that happens to me?

I cried also because everyone on the street was walking in couples but I have no friends, no lovers in this new city. I do feel very lonely. I was also wondering why my life is more difficult than others', why I was born in such a screwed up family, and why I manage to excel in everything throughout my life. Will someone catch me if I let myself go?

I had the biggest interview in my life last Wednesday. I had five back-to-back interviews with different department heads and in the end a financial modeling test. I spent so much time preparing for the interview and after the four-hour marathon I felt very touched by my own power. I think I did really well and nailed the financial modeling test. The result shall be revealed next week.

Trust My Intuition

I've been suffering from anxiety for 2 months now. I went through tons of struggle trying to convince myself that my worry is not validated but finally I realized my intuition was right at the very beginning--my boss is a charlatan. He lied not only to clients but to his employees as well. Now I simply do not trust anything he tells me; however since I'm stuck with this job at the moment I have to continue to lie to my clients. When I say "lying" I mean a big fat lie. If I'm trying to sell something that costs $5 for $100, I don't consider it lying; what I'm doing for my job at the moment is a really huge lie that makes me feel so anxious and uncomfortable. My boss gave me a piece of really valuable advice about lying--you have to use your intelligence to make others believe in what you say. I enjoy pitching ideas to others but using my intelligence to lie to others is simply wrong.

Recently I've also developed a few symptoms of depression, including overeating, skin problem, and hurting myself in small ways. I was depression-free for almost 9 months and I really don't want to go back there.

At least I am on the right track of getting away from my situation. I've been applying to new jobs and next week I will have two interviews. Moreover, I have just taken a tutoring job for 3 hours per week. That money will be enough to cover all my food and commute expenses every month because it will be paid in cash and free of tax. I believe something good will happen to me soon.

However, there are still some upsides; I have learned many things:
1. I should always trust my intuition because it's so sensitive and accurate.
2. Never trust anyone easily again; in the corporate world there is no one to trust.
3. My industry knowledge is growing rapidly that I can handle senior clients and make them believe I am very experienced in the industry.
4. Fancy degrees only mean they are smarter charlatans.
5. In an era with too much accessible information to almost anyone, trying to do business by just talking will not work. People will only pay for real professionalism and expertise.