I fucking love you.

Remember this card? I never had a chance to give this card to Richard. However, I did give it to my cousin love at her wedding in August 2012.

Tonight after my big lecture I went to the poolside bar at the W Hotel. The last time I went to this bar was about four months ago, with Ken. It was the best time I had ever had after Baby died. I went there again alone tonight.

It was quite windy and chilly outdoors, but I enjoyed the view of the city. I was reading Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee. I had some junk food with a Mojito in a florescent green glass. There was a kid sitting across from me drinking his beer and having a few cigarettes. I offered my fries but he refused. He's a culinary art student in the City of Money. Only 22. Good looking but possibly gay.

Then I moved my drink to another seat less chilly. Honestly, I'm still quite tipsy as I write this entry. I stopped reading Coetzee at one point and just gazed into the skyline. I miss Ken. I was talking to myself, "I fucking miss you and I fucking love you. Are you really gone? Have you moved to China for work? I'm scared. Are we over? Do you love me? Can you come out tonight and hold me tight?"

Occasionally my sobriety kicked in and asked me, "Do you really love him? How about Eric? Which one would you choose?"

I said to myself, "I'm not sure which one I love better because none of them loves me. I only love the one who truly loves me."

Then I continued with myself, "I miss you every single day. I love you so damn much. Do you know that?"

At one point some desperate girls went to talk to a middle-age man next to me. He actually wanted to talk to me because he walked past me a few times staring at me but I was preoccupied with reading a blog entry by my coach that infuriated me. When he finally got rid of the two girls and walked near my table again, another even older man sat down next to me. This Australian diplomat was so fucking drunk and didn't make too much sense in his words. He was either blurring the words or had really thick Australian accent. Anyway, he just got separated with his wife and his two daughters are now under custody of his wife. He told me he lost everything to his wife, including his house, money, and everything.

We did talk about something deep. The truth of all human beings. We all want to be with someone and settle into a family. Nobody wants to be alone. That's the universal truth, and yet we do everything to keep a distance from everyone. What the fucking is wrong with people today?

I must sleep now because the Mojito was too strong. I fucking miss you Ken. I love you. Please wake the fuck up and call me.