Deadline passed.

Tonight I went to the same bar for the third night in a row with my cousin Nina. We had a great conversation but no men talked to us. Today I feel an unusual dread because it was the 15th of November. Ken said he'd be back early November and I kept waiting all the way through mid-November. Still, not a word from. He's really gone. I'm all alone.

When I look at the reality that Ken is really gone (although somehow annoyingly I still believe in a miracle that he's not really gone and that something is keeping busy so he's been unable to catch up with me), Eric comes into my mind. I begin to count the days to January or February 2014, when I'll see him again. Of course I'm also scared that he won't be able to keep his promise, but the fear is not as strong as my fear for Ken's betrayal. I trust Eric much more easily somehow because he's been able to keep all his promises to me so far, although he had a gf back in the City of Gold. I trust his face when he said "OK" when I told him, "Just come visit me." I believe he'll make it.

But is there so much praying and longing in my life? I wish a man can just pick me up at a bar and ask me for my number and take me out on a date. So far everyone I've met at the bar was looking for a one night thing. If no new man is showing up, I can only hang in there in an imaginary relationship with either Ken or Eric because facing the possible fact that I'm indeed all alone with no one that truly loves me is terrifying. It makes living pointless. That's why I want to keep living in my dream so life is more worthy of living. Ian calls me sick when he hears my story.