The British, The 90s

I think England is the most romantic place in the world. For starters, my favorite novel Pride and Prejudice was written by a British. All my favorite love songs and romantic comedies were made by the British, such as Notting Hill, Love Actually, About Time, Elton John, Craig David, Labrinth, Florence and the Machine, Adele, Leona Lewis, oh and my favorite actor crushes, Orlando Bloom and Colin Firth. Most important of all, the man who gave birth to all the best love stories, William Shakespeare, was an English too.

Americans are nothing less than the British on this matter, but Americans are more promiscuous in the media. And I don't really have a favorite American writer.

Recently I've come up with this new resolution of keeping a diary here. I need to write every day. Too many things go by each day and I can't remember everything. I must write them down and entertain myself in the future. I've been feeling amazed by my own work here as I read through some old posts. I read about what I wrote when Ivan broke up with me, when I finally saw Richard again after waiting for five years, and a prose I wrote when I was 18.

Yesterday I found a wonderful radio station on Pandora. It's called "Love Songs" and they're all songs from the 90s. The 90s were great. There were the Backstreet Boys and other boy bands, R&B. They fulfilled my teenage. I never had anything romantic with any boys during secondary school because I was so focused on my schoolwork and did whatever it took to get into a top-notch school away from home. Listening to the Backstreet Boys at midnight every day after finishing studying was the only console in my life. They were the only people who "spoke" love to me. So yes, I was secretly obsessed (it had to be secretly because it seemed quite abnormal to literally love someone whom one had never met) with the Backstreet Boys from the age of 10 to 18. The obsession went away as they fell apart. I wished throughout my whole teenage that I could see them in person one day, which never happened during my teenage.

Until one day, in late 2007, my mom told me from the newspaper that the Backstreet Boys would be having a concert for the first time in the City of Rain. I wanted to go at first, because it had always been my dream when I was a teenager, but then I was angry at them. I felt that all this time I had been loving them and wishing for their arrival but they were now here for the first because they were no longer popular in major cities. I already lost my obsession for them at that point, and decided not to buy a ticket. I wanted to go to their concert deep down, but I thought that if they had equal love for me as I did for them, they should figure out a way to get me to the concert for free.

The concert was on March 2, 2008 in the City of Rain. I still remember the date because it was right after my 22nd birthday. The most amazing miracle happened a week before the concert. On Feb 22, 2008, Friday afternoon, I was driving home from school. I was listening to a local radio while driving and then I heard the DJ say "stay tuned because we're going to give out two VIP tickets to the Backstreet Boys' concert to one of our lucky listeners!" I got to excited and drove home as soon as possible. The DJ played two songs by the BSB and the listener has to be able to answer the names of the songs. As soon as I left the parking lot, I began to dial into the radio station with my cell phone. At the first few tries, the phone line was completely occupied. But I kept trying and it finally rang. It kept ringing for at least 2 minutes without anyone answering it.

And finally! The DJ answered my line. He asked me how long I'd been a fan of the boys and told me that he couldn't promise me that he'd choose me because there were a few others on the line. Now the DJ was back on the air. There was a brief silent after he said "hello". I wasn't sure if he picked me but I just replied, "hello?" And there, my voice was on the air. I answered the names of the two songs he just played and the name of the guy who left the group, Kevin Richardson. I won two VIP tickets to the concert, for free! It was the first time in my life that I felt so lucky, completely lucky, and blessed with love. I screamed on the air, which kind of scared the DJ, and I was so happy. I was really like a dream come true, without me trying so hard. The boys heard me and figured out a way for me to be at the concert.

At the end of the concert, I cried. I took my brother with me to the concert because obviously I didn't have a date. He asked me what was there to cry about. I told him that all this time their songs made me believe in love so much but I felt sad knowing that most of it didn't exist. They sang these songs but they didn't really mean it. But now I know all the boys are married, including Nick Carter, so they did mean it when they sang those songs.

So in the latest How I Met Your Mother, Ted's wife says to Barney: I think you were in love and you messed it up, and every moment of your life since then has been spent trying to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.

This line by Ted's wife triggers me so much. My conclusion from this episode is that the man has to do the work. Barney did the work to get Robin while Ted didn't. Ted let it go and just assumed Robin would always be there so he lost Robin. Barney "won the challenge", as it says so exactly in this episode. Robin let it go. The girl has to let go but the man can't because if the man lets it go, he loses the girl. Even though relationships are not games, but for the man, the one woman he loves is his prize. Ted, in this case, was very effeminate and didn't man up to show Robin the ring. In fact, he never gave Robin the ring, even though he had always loved Robin all this time.

Just as Mr. Darcy never gave it up after Lizzy turned down his proposal for the first time. He said to himself that he must conquer. Hence the happily-ever-after.

As mid-November approaches, Ken is gone. He has completely disappeared on me. I guess that one night didn't mean anything to him. I guess he's not as kind as I believed. I guess I'm not as important to him as I thought. It hurts, a lot. But nothing hurts more than my dog's death. This one is close, but my dog is definitely more important to me.

It's very scary. All the pictures I've seen and dreamed of are gone. I saw us kissing in sunset. I saw us waking up in the morning together with me making him coffee and playing my favorite music while dancing in his shirt. I do not want to know what he's up to, ever, because if he's married to someone else one day and I'm not, I won't be able to handle it... At this very moment of my life, if he was really going to marry someone else, I would have another major nervous breakdown and I might be able to stay conscious. That's why this is all very scary to me.

I have a draft in my Gmail about all the ideas for my wedding, including songs, dress, things to do, etc. I want every guest at our wedding to have this tiny brochure. In the brochure there will be two letters, one written by me and the other by my husband. The titles of the letters are exactly the same, "Why do I love you?" I want everyone at our wedding to witness, feel, and bless our love. I know everyone will cry as they read our letters, X.

And I'm definitely going to add this song to our list:
Back at One by Brian McKnight

It's undeniable
That we should be together
It's unbelievable
How I used to say
That I'd fall never
The basis is need to know
If you don't know
Just how I feel
Then let me show you now
That I'm for real
If all things in time
Time will reveal

[Chorus]
One
You're like a dream come true
Two
Just want to be with you
Three
Girl, it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
And four
Repeat steps one through three
Five
Make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one

It's so incredible
The way things work themselves out
And all emotional
Once you know what it's all about, hey
And undesirable
For us to be apart
I never would have made it very far
'Cause you know you've got the keys to my heart

[Chorus]

Say farewell to the dark of night
I see the coming of the sun
I feel like a little child
Whose life has just begun
You came and breathed new life
Into this lonely heart of mine
You threw out of the lifeline
Just in the nick of time






I love the 90s.