Weird

Recently I've been reading my old posts. I realized I have so much talent in writing. But what's more, reading those old posts makes me cry too. There are so many things I've forgotten and thankfully preserved by this blog. Sometimes I even feel amazed reading what I wrote a couple of years ago.

Today I came to this conclusion that everyone is weird. Nobody is normal. But why do we fight so hard to be normal? A perfect transcript, a perfect resume, a perfect family and a perfect look so things can be normal. We always want to be around someone who's always smiling and peaceful like there's nothing wrong in their life, i.e. normal. That's impossible. Everyone needs to scream, to cry, to collapse, and to rage in order to continue living. The fact that we're all trying so hard to be normal is what kills us.

I watched the movie Elizabethtown today. I really want to be in love. I want to be with someone who wants to talk to me all night long, who can't sleep without talking to me each day, who can't imagine a world without me. Why is this so difficult? Every night before I sleep is the most difficult time of the day. Today is especially worse because I've been suffering from terrible menstrual cramps and I had to tutor five hours straight in the morning having slept only 5 hours the previous night. My headache and cramps are killing me at the moment. Yet all I want is someone who can hug me to sleep, like Ivan did once when I was screaming and crying from menstrual cramps one time. The scene where Drew and Claire were talking on the phone all night long reminded me of Jes, whom I have never met. I want to have that connection with someone again. I want to be with a man who doesn't want to waste anymore minute in his life without me, without talking to me, or being without me. That kind of long phone calls were not alien to me. Jes and I did that a lot, and we always had something to say. There have been other guys who could do that on a first date or at the very beginning of knowing me, but eventually they disappear, we run out of things to say, or he runs out of things to say. It would be so lucky to have that ever lasting connection.

I'm not a normal person. No matter what they say or have done to make me believe there is nothing like that in real life, I want to keep believing in my fantasies because that's what all the stories tell me to do. I must believe first before I can see it.