Baggage

Two nights ago I bought this book "Facing the Music and Living to Talk About It" by Nick Carter on iTunes. Surprisingly, Nick did a great job in writing this book. He is absolutely right about the whole behavioral pattern and childhood correlation, and I can tell that he must have received therapies from really good (or expensive) coaches and therapists because those theories and observations are accurate to my understanding.

We all carry baggage, but most people are afraid to carry others' baggage. I watched the movie Noel tonight. The middle-age woman, Rose, in the movie carries a lot of baggage. When the sexy young man from work was going to have sex with her, she couldn't do it because of her emotional baggage. He just left like that and acknowledged that it was her problem. He couldn't carry her baggage, which is like most people in the world. But in the end, her mother's doctor Matthew was able to carry her baggage and ask her out on a date. That is love. Love is unconditional. When you're committed, you love no matter what the other person does to screw up. It's like you have a baby and you can't choose your baby. You can only love your baby no matter what. But how many human beings are able to do that? I've never seen that in my family. Nick Carter hasn't either.

I can relate myself to Nick a lot while reading the book--growing up in fear, domestic violence, trying so hard to make sure nothing I do upsets my parents, and money was able to solve everything etc. Speaking of domestic violence, in Noel, there's this guy Jules who is trying to have a Christmas party at the hospital because he got beat up by his stepfather when he was 14 and was sent to the hospital. His mom didn't come to his rescue and visit him in the hospital and he had a Christmas party at the hospital, which was the best thing in his life. When he talks about how he felt that his mom chose his stepfather over him, I could relate to his feelings because that was exactly how I felt when my mom continued to live with my father while I had to grow up in fear.

On Monday night, I told me tutee's mom that I'll be cutting down my hours tutoring at their place because of a new arrange at another school I'm teaching at, which was a lie. It was simply because 1) I need a break and 2) I hate the fact that they squeeze for free hours of tutoring. One of my tutees cried upon hearing that because he felt insecure about his studies without me. After I left their home, I went to OT for a burger.

I arrived there at around 11p. I was trying to make some phone calls to see if a girl from my high school is able to share my workload at this family. After a few tries in vain, my burger arrived and I stopped my mind and looked around. I saw JC's back at the bar. I could tell it was him from just his back. Then I went to tap on his shoulder while he was texting on his phone. He turned around and said, "hey I am just sending you an email right now!"

Then we talked the whole night again. I moved from OT to WB because OT was closing early on Monday. It seemed like this trip made him miss his gf a lot that he has probably decided to marry her and not have kids, which was the opposite of the story he told me the first time we met. Before we parted, he said we should hang out again on Tuesday night because he leaves on Wednesday, and I agreed. Unfortunately, I went to WB on Tuesday night again hoping to see him but he never showed up and never replied to my email either.

I felt angry, frustrated. I hated myself for showing up there while he wasn't. It was like my old pattern again. This time I don't even have feelings for him; I considered him just a friend who happened to look very much like Ken. I also wondered if I make every man realize that their gf is marriageable because I am so not marriageable. On my way back home, I was imagining a conversation with Ken. I literally yelled out to my imagination on the street in the middle of the night. I kept saying, "I hate you! I fucking hate you! How can you do this to me? Where the fuck are you? Where are you when I need you?"

Ken is gone. Completely gone. I don't even know if he is in China now. A big part of my life is gone. A part I tried so hard not to show my feelings to but eventually I still professed my feelings to is gone. Was it my feelings that drove him away? Would it work if I continued to play it cool and kept getting myself hurt secretly? No, I deserve the best. But tonight, I miss you Ken. And I'm going to cry again because of you.