The Infinite Wait

I spent my whole life waiting, waiting for a man, waiting for the subway, the food, for work to be over, at the hospital, my downloads, for my iPhone 4 to respond, but the most painful one is still the wait for a man.

I finally gathered up my courage last night and sent Eric an email asking if he was coming to visit me. Here's his response:

"Due to the company's inaction, there is a problem with my visa situation.  I am trying to resolve it with HR, but I may not be able to leave [this country] until it is resolved.  It is impossible to plan anything and very irritating."

I replied with a "=((((((" and the followed up with him on Skype:

Me: i'm feeling so disappointed...
[2013/11/8 04:12:24 PM] E: yeah me too
in fact
i might not be able to leave japan until after new year's
the last time i came to japan the airline almost didn't let me board the plane
they thought my visa status was suspicious for some reason
and then at the border, the guard questioned me and took five minutes before he let me in
so my impression is that they put me on a watch list
i am still here on a tourist visa
and stupid HR was waiting for another person to finish their paperwork until they applied for my visa
so even though i finished my paperwork almost a month ago
it was just sitting there
(the paperwork for my work visa)
and if i am ever denied entry into Japan, then i have to check a box on the entry card that will subject me to questioning for the rest of my life
it's right next to the "have you ever committed a crime" box
so if i leave, then i won't be able to come back until my work visa is approved
and that's not likely to happen until at least mid january
until today i thought they had submitted the paperwork and that i would get some kind of receipt and could use that to re-enter before the final approval 
so irritated
Me:
I understand
I'm gonna cry again but perhaps next year would be good
Because I have a week off in February
And I'm planning to quit my tutoring job when their winter break arrives

E: oh wow
then what do you plan to do?
Me:Cuz my adults class is booming
E: ohh
Me: So I have no time for tutoring 
E: you're a star!
Me: And the kids mom said something cheap to me even though they're a wealthy family so I'm like I'm not gonna take this shit...good luck finding someone else to replace my work. I guess I can wait for a few more months. I've been waiting for so long anyway...But I'll definitely cry again tonight
E: Sorry :(
Me: Yeah it's your fault again :-p
E: A position I am accustomed to
Me: Hahaha really?
E: I have 11 years of relationship experience.
after year 2-3, everything is the man's fault :D
Me: And we're not even at year 0 and it's already all your fault.
It was your fault that you asked me for a drink after our first meeting with Jos
E: wow, I'm in the hole already. must be some kind of speed record
Me: I'm literally smiling to my phone on the subway right now. Why do I always feel so happy talking to you? It's your fault again.
E: yeah, you should really spare yourself the happiness
Me: Gosh other passengers must think I'm weird
E: no, they think you're famous. they all saw the article written about you from 8 years ago
Me: The middle age woman sitting across from me is staring at me now.
E: famous people are allowed to be weird
Me: Ah damn. You googled me. hahahahaha
E: people [of your ethnicity] stare. it's normal
Me: Famous ppl shouldn't take public transits. They're all staring at me cuz I'm smiling like a retard.
E: Do ppl [of your nationality] not smile?
Me: Nope. They're like [people in the country you're living in now]
E: hm. i made some girls [from your country] smile before
Me: Yeah cuz you're a womanizer. Besides I'm not only smiling...I'm actually laughing silently. When you get here you can't make other girls [from my country] smile cuz that'll make me cry.
E: That's going to be difficult.
Me: What?!?!?!
E: [in another language that we both speak] Girls [from your country] love me.
Me: Hahahaha. Hey, do you sleep around in [the country you're living in]?
E: obviously there is opportunity here, but i am very busy with work so i haven't not yet realized the vision of total man-whoredom
Me: That's neither a yes nor a no
E: :D
Me: You're good with words. But for now I'll just assume you're a manwhore so I won't trust you completely.
E: Trust me to do what?
Me: Trust you to be the nice guy as in what I have remembered. More accurately, to assume myself to be less important to you as I want to be.
E: Well you want my everything, in a short time, so that's a tall order for anyone, even living in the same place.
Me: You're love is equal to your everything? (small pause) Actually love is equal to one's everything.
E: Plust, you want me not to make anyone else smile.
Me: That just means I don't want you to flirt with other girls.
E: Even flirting? 本当に難しい  [in another language] I love girls [from your country]!
Me: Are you being serious?
E: which part? I told you girls [from your country] are my favorite. and i am naturally friendly but that doesn't mean i flirt with everyone who smiles at me and it doesn't mean i fuck everyone i flirt with.
Me: So when you visit [my country] you want to keep your options open?
E: If I visit you I am coming to visit you.
Me: Then why would you flirt with other girls?
E: I was teasing you about your jealousy
Me: OK thanks for the clarification cuz I was about to cry on the street
E: :D
Me: I'm serious! And it's your fault again
E: I know. and i like to joke around. remember when i told you before that it would be good for you to toughen up just a bit?
Me: I think i'm too tough and in fact I'm trying to loosen up
E: no, i don't mean "tighten up", i mean "toughen up"
Me: Even now when I give a lecture to a class of 200 I still feel so nervous, and always want to cry before the lecture
E: yeah i mean "toughen up"
Me: But I always suppress my fear and be a star on the stage. That's me being tough. But when I'm not at work I just wanna be myself.
E: The performer part of you is yourself, too
Me: If I feel like crying I just cry. Yes but it's magnified when I'm on stage. The real me has everything and characters morph into another every minute
E: you have the capability to be the director of the action
Me: When I'm at work I have no choice but when I'm living my life I'm free to be who I am every second
E: You are free to choose in all realms
Me: Sometimes I'm fun, happy, sentimental, paranoid, crazy, angry and sad. I'm the composite of all these feelings. I'm still feeling touched reading "if i visit you i am coming to visit you"
E: yes, sometimes we all are, but we have the "agency", the ability, the power, to direct the action
Me: you mean the expression of emotions?
E: [in another language] Same in our minds
Me: You mean like, smiling when we're actually feeling sad
E: no, i mean the inside flow as well
Me: Like finding a reason not to be sad when feeling sad?
E: like when you're walking down the street on a windy day, and finding a way to stay walking in a straight line
Me: Avoiding emotions?
E: controlling them instead of letting them control ou
Me: That's how depression kicks in. Depression is the accumulated suppression of emotions
E: I can see your point, but it doesn't lead me to the same conclusion as what you are attempting to justify

****And then he got offline and I had to go to work.

****Our first reconnection for the past 6 months:

Friday, October 18, 2013 10:27 PM

Me: Ken and I made out on Tuesday night for the first time and it was the worse made out in my life...

the worst*

E: Hi! Long time no talk!

Me: yup. where are you?

E: City of Crowd. I live here now

Me: aww still? damn. with your gf?

E: Just signed 1yr employment contract today. No, we broke up. Our relationship already had some cracks before, and the distance tore a hole open

Me: ................................................ i am speechless

E: It was really painful

Me:i feel so surprised

E: I've been sick for most of the past three months

Me:you poor thing! are you ok/??

E: But finally we have some closure

Me: oh you know what, i've been bad for the past 3 months too because my dog died in june

E: She moved out, and my stuff is in storage now.

Me: after she left in the most unimaginable way i realized nothing in the world can hurt me more than that

E: We talked when I was back last weekend, and got to a kind of stopping point

Me: dude that was a five year relationship... but the good thing is that you're in the City of Crowd

E: So neither of us is happy, but we can go on now

Me:at least a new environment is taking your mind off

E: Yes. It's a fun place to be!

Me: it's too crowded. do you still work for the same company?

E: I just need to get un-sick. [in another language] i like crowded places

Me: come visit me in the City of Rain

E:Yup. Haha maybe I will. When is a good season?

Me: now? anytime before i marry someone

E: lol U can visit me here too!

Me: my net worth is still negative

E: I have a nice apartment

Me: damn. so do i!

E: Ah I c

Me: i live in a highrise condo ;)

E: I'm in the city center

Me: i've already saved more money by teaching here than i could in sf for a year. i'm 5 mins away from the city center? :D

E: Then how is your net worth negative

Me: my student loans. i haven't paid it off

E: USA?

Me: i borrowed the money in [my country] but i used it for [grad school name] yeah

E: Ahhhhh

Me: come visit me

E: Ouch

Me: i'd choose you over Ken in a heartbeat

E: Lol

Me: my love life is at an extremely dramatic point

E: Why

Me: all my friends thought sex and the city is pretty much my life now although i am still a virgin

E: U are having sex now? Lol

Me:NO NOOOO but i've already had 2 different men in my bed this week. there might be another one tomorrow. arggghhh

E:Heheh Good for you

Me: hell no! i really just want to be with one but no one can commit. it's making me so angry

E: I explained all this to you before

Me: i don't remember much

E: You didn't want to listen

Me: i have to read my blog to recall

E: Thus u don't remember much

Me: i always listened! I ALWAYS LISTENED!

E: I have to warn you. if I come visit you, there isn't going to be anything stopping me from tearing your clothes off ;-)

Me: well.... am i supposed to feel angry now? cuz i'm smiling hahaha

E: As they say in Japanese, I am 危ない

Me: horny? LOL

E: Well yes but it means "dangerous "

Me: aha i recognize the first character

E: 危ない=dangerous [in another language]

Me: mhm. well, ken and i hadn't talked or had any contact with each other for three months

and this tuesday he texted me which i didn't reply until 1am and it turned out he was still awake and wanted a drink with me

E: When did he go back to Taipei

Me: he got two job offers, one in china, and one in [this country]. he quit [they company we both worked for]. he bought a BMW in the City of Gold after i left and then he just quit his job 2 months later and moved back here

E: Hahaha [the company you both worked for] is back BTW. THEY hired a bunch of new ppl

Me: because all the old ppl are hired by another great company in the City of Smog. they offered ken a job too

E: [H Company]?!

Me: i can't remember. he said the name in [another language] and i wasn't familiar with those names. in the City of Smog

E: Eh

Me: anyway the offer is much better than the offer in [my country]

E: Tired of working for the [people of my ethnicity]

Me: but he couldnt decide where to go and came to my place. working for [ppl in our country] is no better. he was so drunk and kept saying he's money whore

E: Not even a little bit?

Me: then i said if money is the only thing you care about then just take the City of Smog offer

and then he called me naive

E: You made out w him when he was drunk?

Me: he refused to tell me why he was hesitating. yes he said he wanted a drink with me and it turned out he was already drunk when he got here

E: So he was probably all sluggish

Me: then he asked me to update my life with him and i said it was just work and random hobbies at home

E: Did he fall asleep during the makeout? Lol

Me: and then he asked me if i brought men home. i said i wasnt telling him. no he was up all night! that was the worst part. he got all jealous and just assumed i brought men home like a slut. then he made out with me like i was a slut. he didn't kiss me at all

E: So what made you kiss him. So far sounds like boring conversation

Me: and he kept taking off my top and i had to keep resisting his hand in my pants. i didn't kiss him! we didn't kiss at all!

E: So you made out without kissing?

Me: exactly

E: Lol

Me: it has never happened to me. it was awful

E: That doesn't qualify As making out

Me: i was topless the whole night!

E: That is just petting

Me: WHAT?!?!

E: Yeah

Me: nobody gets to see me topless without kissing me. he did hold me in his arms to sleep though

E: Except him hahaha

Me: so it was awkward and infuriating. i asked him out to talk about this in person on wednesday. he was sleeping at 10p already so we rescheduled for thursday night

E: I cannot understand how any guy could be so passionless

Me: and then he lied to me that he was at the airport on thursday night. he wasn't passionless. he was angry at me. he did that on purpose and he definitely remembers it

E: to hurt you?

Me: cuz he walked out to smoke in between. yes

E: But that's So lame!

Me: yes he is lame!

E: If he was angry then at least he could have slapped you around a little

Me: wtf?!?!

E: S&M is a great way to release tension in a relationship Lol

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

E: You can release your aggression in a healthy way. Do u even know what I mean?

Me: no...it sounds demeaning. i hate violence. making out and love making should be gentle and passionate. no violence

E: Did u read 50 shades of gray?

Me: ive heard of it, not interested in reading it

E: You're just inexperienced

Me: ...................

E: S&M is not about violence at all

Me: that doesn't explain why ken was angry at me

E: It's about one person taking control And the other letting go

Me: i want to be touched gently when getting sexual with someone

E: And trusting

Me: hell no. i don't want any physical pain

E: Noted.

Me: don't tell me you're interested in SM

E: Would u like to inflict physical pain on another?

Me: i might change my mind about you if you do. of course not. if i love someone i just want to touch his face gently letting him know that he's safe with me

E: Okay. So you only like your sex one way But that's understandable

Me: i can do doggy and some rather challenging positions and places. but that's it

E: Because you haven't had sex yet

Me: and yes i like to be on the bottom. and that night ken wanted me to be on top. i just refused

E: Anyway, what bothers me is that he didn't do a good job. Even if is just a one night stand I still give it my all

Me: exactly. for the past 2 years, i always imagined if we one day make out, we'd kiss and it'd be so passionate and i'd just give me virginity to him. are you having one night stands in the City of Crowd?

E: I could make you melt like your favorite ice cream ;-)

Me: i'm blushing and smiling right now

E: Not really. I've never managed to not continue after the first night

Me: i know

E: Mostly because when I like someone enough to have sex, then I want more

Me: so three night stands? or 10 night stands? yeah that's human nature. so you like me enough to have sex with me... but all men do. that doesn't say anything

E: I'm just having fun and being myself now. After a very long relationship

Me: what's being yourself like? do you have some kinky habits?

E: Hahaha Wouldn't you like to know

Me: hmmm

E: ;-p

Me: come visit me

E: Hmm

Me: hmm?

E: Thinking of when

Me: :) :):):)

E: Third weekend of November?

Me: nov 10 to nov 19. i actually can have a small break for the first 3 weeks of nov. i still work every day except saturday and that's my break

E: Nov 16 weekend

Me: lemme check one sec. i'm free that weekend. i can ask for a days off from my tutees

E: let me check the airfares

Me: :D:D:D:D

E: so the boys that you're sharing your bed with this week... any chance you're going to fall in love and go exclusive with them before november?

Me: of course not. except for ken...but that's tricky one. he's going to [the trade show] now and won't be back until early nov

E: yeah but he's going to be on again, off again

Me: perhaps. i told him there are things i need to clarify with him in person and he said we'll catch up when he comes back

E: wait, so he had your shirt off all night. did he at least kiss your body?

Me: for me that talk will be now or never. yeah he sucked my nipples. he's quite good actually haha

E: okay, well that's not so mean

Me: that's terrible!

E: why?

Me: you do that to prostitutes. he treated me like a slut

E: uhh i'm going to suck your nipples

Me: what?!?!

E: but that doesn't mean i think you're a slut

Me: but i know for sure you're gonna kiss me first

E: sure

Me: and it'll be passionate and emotional

E: before and after

Me: but he didn't do any of that. he didn't hold my hands either. he avoided all the postures that involve romance

E: was this the first time he ever had your shirt off?

Me: yes. it's the first time that he actually touches me. he has never touched me before

except for taking pictures

E: don't you think it's weird that the guy you most wanted romance from, ended up completely denying you of it?

Me: i know. i thought it was my problem. but after hearing EVERYTHING we've done so far, all my friends think he's weird too because we were intimate in the City of Gold. we weren't sexual but definitely intimate like you and i

E: that's just weird. totally not my style. if the girl doesn't cum at least twice as many times as i do, then i'm not fully satisfied

Me: dmn. i'm so turned on right now. wait, can you have multiple orgasms?

E: no i mean

Me: oh cuz i can, easily... :D

E: over the course of a weekend. ooh

Me: over the course of one hour or three

E: well then i'm changing my multiple to 3x ;-)

Me: i think i once had 100 orgasms in 3 hours

E: OMG

Me: hahaha

E: holy fuck. from what?

Me: cuz i went on an abstinence for 3 months. from a vibrator...

E: lol that's amazing!!

Me: i'm afraid when you're in [my country] you won't get to see much of the country

E: haha. that's okay. i'll see the best parts

Me: all in my body? :P

E: mmmm =D

Me: god are you coming to visit me? are you really going to come visit me???

E: i'm looking for airfares

Me: omg i feel so excited now!

E: from [the country he's living in] it takes awhile bc aggregators don't show the best fares many times

Me: oh i'm gonna feel so happy tomorrow when i get up for work. for the first time i will feel happy waking up in the morning :D

E: on phone w coworker

Me: ok. isn't it past midnight there?

E: he's freaked out about his employment agreement

Me: haha

E: yup

Me: ok i gotta go to bed now and sleep well for my big lecture tomorrow. i'm feeling so happy now :):):) i mean i should feel sad as your friend that you broke up and have been sick....but i don't really...

E: hahaha. ok i am back

Me: :)

E: i know you're about to go to bed

Me: yes

E: but i'm still curious

Me: and then i'm gonna have a nice dream. about?

E: have you had any relationships or sexual experiences that have been particularly fulfilling?

Me: nope. no man has ever given me an orgasm. only my vibrator and my hand have...

E: how many have tried?

Me: how many men?

E: yes

Me: hmmm 10? i dont let them penetrate me with their fingers so it's impossible for me to orgasm like that without vibration

E: so when you make yourself cum with fingers. you go inside?

Me: nope. i need to use my blanket

E: mmm ahhhhh

Me: i have never been penetrated by anything. ok i'm feeling embarrassed haha

E: oh it's okay. so you put the blanket between your hand and your happy place?

Me: yes.... please ask no more!!

E: can you do it right now?

Me: i'm blushing now! no i haven't used my blanket for a long time. my vibrator does a great job

E: yes, you can. you don't want to desensitize yourself

Me: does a vibrator desensitize me?

E: it can

Me: damn it. i've been using it for years

E: you should test

Me: how?

E: to see if you can still use your hand

Me: i've never just used my hand. it's either the blanket or the vibrator

E: ohhh i see

Me: but i get wet easily

E: it's the friction with the blanket right?

Me: yes. not friction. actually it's the movement

E: you mean the feeling of movement as it grinds on you?

Me: yeaaa. you did a better job describing it

E: so it's the whole area then, not just your clit?

Me: yes

E: ahhh

Me: and to this day i'm still not clear about my g spot

E: which is why it's been difficult for men to make you cum. ohh i know where that is. it's on the inside though

Me: why is it difficult for men to make me come? exactly. i need to be penetrated to come

E: wait

Me: or unless the movement is big enough to trigger the g spot

E: have you let any guys lick you?

Me: yes...

E: and they didn't achieve it?

Me: nope. they didn't penetrate. it was all on the outside

E: yeah but you can make yourself cum without penetration, both with the vibrator and with the blanket. so it's clearly possible

Me: but i believe it's because the vibration is strong enough to trigger the g spot

E: naw

Me: yes! ok that's one area in my body i don't understand well

E: my ex could only come with g-spot, and there was no vibrator or blanket that could get her

Me: hmmm. ok how about this, i will withhold masturbation until you arrive

E: okay, i have some ideas now ;-)

Me: LOL don't get kinky please... i like it gentle and i'm so afraid it'll hurt like hell

E: okay, i will be gentle with you. why would it hurt?

Me: imagine how tight it might be...

E: lol

Me: and the hymen. i've been told my opening seems quite small

E: well, i put big things in small places and it works great!

Me: ahhhhhhhh that's so dirty!

E: mmmhmm
Me: you're talking about solar power plants right? :D

E: yes, of course

Me: like a big power plant in small [City of Crowd]E: lol
Me: hahaha
E: 20MW on a [city of rain] rooftop
Me: really? that's impossible
E: yes it is
Me: solar is monopolized by our governmentE: lol

Me:are you saying you're the 20mw and i'm the rooftop?

E: more or less ;-)
Me: i'm really too naive to understand dirty jokes

haha

HAHAHAHA

you're 20mw?!?!

that's huge

E: well it's not the biggest project

nor is it one of the small ones

Me: huh?

E: it's the one that gets built most often though ;-)

Me: i'm completely lost right now huh???

E:20MW is the perfect size for a solar project

Me: your size changes? LOL hahaha
E: it's big enough to get financed by anyone
Me: HAHAHAHA
E: it's compact enough to slip in unnoticed to most places
Me: i'm laughing out loud now!
E: that's why it gets built most often lol
Me: do you use skype?

E: yes

Me: add me

E: just did

Me: oh wait, we can use g talk too

does it work?

i haven't got anything

E: does what workMe: can you hear me?
E: yes but i forgot. there is something wrong with the microphone settings on this computer

let me use my phone to skype instead

Me:ok

E: do u want to see me?

Me: sure! but please dont be naked

E: can i see u

Me: sure

E: you're funny. it's cold here now

Me: nice. i miss the cold weather in CG

E: so i am not naked

Me: ok good or i'll be both embarrassed and turned on

E: neither of those are bad..

Me: skype me! i'm gonna sleep soon!

Then we continued to talk on Skype via webcam till 3am and I had to work at 9:30am on that Saturday... 

In addition to the "OK" he said in response to what I said, "Just come visit me", he also told me that "I want you to be happy, whether it's me or someone else who makes you happy". I looked down at my table, feeling to touched and about to cry again.