Against all odds

"Against all odds" is just a stupid ideal that people created. I must be the only fool on earth to actualize it and in the end get burned and shattered.

I sacrificed my career for Ivan while he's reached a landmark in his already; he broke up with me once when I just started the job and that drove me crazy; I cooked for him, drove him anywhere he asked me to, did anything he wanted me to because I loved him while these things were taking too much of my time, yet in the end he wouldn't even visit me in the City of Rain, he chose his family and broke up with me, and today, he officially says that he hates me. Yes, he hates me.

Do not ever take men's promises seriously, no matter how different you think he is. He promised me that he would never break up with me, that he would never leave me, that he will never die before me, that he will call me, that he will always love me, that he is always there for me, and so on. I'm telling you, it's all bullshit. He loves his buddies more than he does to me. He doesn't really give a shit to me. All the things I sacrificed for him were in vain. Am I the stupidest person in the world?

I have been with many many men, but I actually loved only 3 of them. Ivan was one of the 3, but was the least compatible out of the 3. He doesn't like food, doesn't travel, and highly dependent on his parents, financially, and he doesn't understand me. However, I believe no other man in this world could tolerate me as much as he did to me. Richard was the most materially compatible among the 3. He's a genius, extremely sarcastic and funny, super rich (ok I know that's a very superficial element but my parents love it), extensively traveled, highly socially connected, and loves food. In fact I felt proud when going out with him because he can handle any situation and impress everyone at any occasion. The best part was that we mocked and laughed crazily behind other people's back (yes we were mean). We were together for only 10 days but I was already willing to do anything for him; he said he loved me and promised that he would visit me but in the end he slept with other women and fell in love with someone and then I realized the promise was also unreal, while I already sacrificed school and my family for him.

Jes was my first love. He is smart, muscular, handsome, funny, independent, loves children and dogs, understanding, poor, and a high school drop out. We were together on and off for around 2 years and in the end I hated him. We used to talk for hours nonstop on the phone every day; by "nonstop" I mean no silent pauses at all. I don't quite remember what we talked about, but the conversations were delightful. I think he's the most emotionally compatible out of the 3. Nevertheless, we have never met; he thought the whole thing was to fucked up and persuaded me to go out with men in my real life. Eventually I have been traumatized by men so I decided to hate him. Because of him I gave many of my "firsts" to men who didn't deserve. He should have protected me from all these unnecessary relationships. Before I moved to the City of Extremity, we chat once online, and he said he loved me, but I just didn't believe it and couldn't take it because I thought he was not worthwhile; he didn't go through the difficult times with me. Then I just blocked him completely--no emails, no phone calls.

There, my 3 favorite relationships ended because of long distance. Richard already gave his heart to some other woman in the City of Whores; Jes probably either hates me or loves someone else; Ivan hates me to the bones and just wants to ignore me forever.

When I was falling in love with Jes (I was only 18), I wrote in my diary that "why do people have to detour so much and in the end realize that it was only a waste of time and energy?" I'm 23 now, and I still agree with what I said. I already regret the detour. I think all the relationships after Jes were unnecessary because he was my soul mate; we could love without physical intimacy and without knowing when we would actually meet, and we both strove for that goal; Ivan couldn't do that. Although in the end I managed to get myself closer to him, I was already damaged and deeply hurt by him. If we had preserved that innocence and forgotten about what the society thought about our relationship, we could probably still be happily together, at least mentally. Sex is way over-rated in this world today.