Watch it unfold.

 So I spent the past week in Shanghai, traveling with my children with my mother, but without Angel. Last Sunday after the kids fell asleep. I went out for a walk all the way to the Bund by myself. Prior to that I have been texting with Eric and when I was walking towards the Bund, which was about a 30 minute walk we switched to a voice call and our voice call was a little over four hours long. We talked from 10 PM to 2 AM that night And I was able to walk towards the Bund, walked along the bond and then come back to the hotel on foot. 

We talked about a lot of things in that phone call from politics diplomacy, my childhood traumas at school and Ken actually. We also talked about Angel and he told me that he felt Angel was behaving like a woman in our relationship which I totally agree. We also talked about a girl from the fifth grade wrote in a diary entry about me about how much she disliked me because of my outfit, my hair color and the fact that I spoke English very well. The fact that she broke that diary entry in a homework assignment and my homeroom teacher asking me to read that actually gave me some trauma, even though at that point, I knew very well that it was entirely out of jealousy on her part. We also talked quite a lot about Ken about all the very thoughtful things that he did for me in the city of Gold and then the bizarre things he did in the city of Rain. Erik asked me if Ken actually had a very passionate Makeout session with me and actually kiss me when we got sexual in the city of rain. How long did I think that I could be with him and my answer was forever and we talked about that because I was reviewing my life and I told Eric that I felt when I look back at my life, there was always someone taking care of me at one point and I always got lucky even though in those present moments I didn’t feel that way. I actually felt a lot of pain when something traumatic happened, but then I also realize that those things happen for a good reason for example, when I had to leave the city of extremity, not all of my choice, I was able to end a very toxic relationship with Ivan, who was not emotionally exclusive with me. When Ken did what he did to me in the city of rain that made me hate him and decided to move on finally fully accepting the fact that he was not healthy and he was not able to give me what I wanted. So Eric and I were talking about what the meaning of live horse and I don’t believe that the meaning of life is something that you can just have in mind and then you work towards it. It should not work like that for me. I don’t know what the meaning of life is Until I look back at the things that had happened and the things that I had gone through and then I would realize that was the meaning of my life that was my purpose, but even at the current point when I’m looking into the future, I wouldn’t know how to live my life first knowing what the meaning of life is and the moving on my life that way all I know is that I live my life moment by moment, and I live my life with falling integrity With my whole self and I do my best in all of my decision-making and I just wait for life to unfold. I told him that there are a lot of parents out there who think that their meaning of life is to raise their kids and whatever the best way they can find so that their kids can be happy and successful in the future, and they make all their decisions surrounding that meaning and that goal, but that’s not really how I raise my kids. All I know is that I want to honor their integrity so I build an environment for my children so that they can live with fall integrity, and discover who they really are Because I think in this world there’s no objective way to define success or happy or love. And that Erik thought that I was totally describing his parents and how he was raised by his parents. So as a review, all the people that have taken care of me in my difficult times of my life, Erik asked me who is taking care of me now. I said quotation mark myself And he said yes, always yourself. And then I said, and also you by talking to me so much and he said yeah. And then I said also the people I work with I think my boss is really looking out for me.

And then we were silent for a few days until yesterday morning he texted me saying that he might come to the city of rain on Monday for one day. obviously, I have a lot of feelings mixed together about this, but I’ve decided to pamper myself if it really shows up on Monday so right now I am shopping at the mall in the city of rain. I spent more than $3500 on Bulgari jewelry in the clothes and some shoes. I’m not doing this to impressive. I’m doing this because these are my unfulfilled dreams nine years ago a parent of my two teeth gave me a Bugatti necklace that was more than US$5000 ever since no one else has given me anything else from Bugatti to match with them, and I have always hidden this Bogarra necklace in my safe deposit at the bank Because I have never felt Jerge or precious in the past nine years. Now, finally with a universe changing my life and bringing me so many surprises, I’ve decided to honor myself to complete my Bulgari jewelry collection so I got myself a demon string bracelet and a diva dream earring.  And then I got myself a couple of T-shirts from Zara so that I can wear them on Monday and I also got myself a pair of really comfortable shoes and I just feel that I finally have sovereignty again after 10 years of self erasure.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen on Monday. I don’t even know if Eric will actually show up because he told me about his plan yesterday. He hadn’t even booked his plane ticket but at this point of my life, I’m just not scared anymore. I just want to sit and watch everything unfold in front of me and be surprised