Please just once...

Dear X, I'm feeling so sad and quite mad at you right now. Why don't you show up? Why do you keep me waiting for so long? Can you fucking hear me?

Today, another cousin of mine just filed his divorce. He and his ex really had it going for a very long time, over 10 years. They dated for almost 10 years before getting married. They really got married for love. But what's wrong now? Fate got in the way. They couldn't grow through that together.

Today I didn't get anything from Mars so I texted him after work. It turned out his ex-gf told him that she was going to visit him and have their "closure". He said he cares deeply about her but doesn't want a relationship with her because he doesn't have that spark or passion with her.

We talked for a while about a lot of things but I think it's over. Because even if nothing happens between them when she visits him, I can't always count on that. It is kind of like Ivan and D. It's fate. I can't control it.

But this time I really do feel fate is working against me. It sends all these guys to me and doesn't even give me an opportunity to try, to work.

I'm so tired of trying. It has never gone anywhere close to the third possible scenario; it's always either the first or the second. X, give me a sign. Please, just give me one sign. Let me know I should keep waiting and searching for you. Otherwise, I am giving up. I wanna tear down whatever I have right now and just run away. There's really no point of living if you don't exist. Please hold me tonight. Please.