Broken

On Saturday, I received an expected whatsapp message from Richard telling me that his brother and old-time roommate were in town. Then his brother called me and we decided to go get some drinks for the night.

So his brother was with his French girlfriend, and there was Richard's ex-roommate. We went bar hopping, talked casually, which was fun. When we were at the second bar, I couldn't help but ask his brother, "how's Richard doing lately?"

He told me that Richard is finishing up his PhD and just bought a bar last week. I continued, "does he ever wanna settle down?" He said, "he's actually married; it's been almost a year."

Then it hit me. I can't say what it was. I just feel so sad, and still do. My tears were rolling down like a faucet the entire Sunday as if I could just collapse right here, right now. It's not that I still love him or miss him, but I'd say, I miss myself, the 19 or 20-year-old me. I miss the way I was when I was with him; I miss how simple relationship was back then.

My own inability to build a nice, stable relationship with a man also hit me hard. Three out of the four men that I have loved are all married. Maybe even Ken is married, who knows? It seemed so incredible to me that Richard could get married because as he told me, relationships scared him and he enjoyed sleeping around. At least that was what he told me when he came to visit me in the City of Power. If someone as insecure as him can get married, why can't I even have a relationship that lasts over three months?

So it is my problem after all. All the guys I'm dating now are big time losers; they wouldn't even bother to pay for my coffee and they're all in their late 40s and divorced. What's wrong with me? Another thing that makes me really sad is that I have never received the mail that Richard sent me 9 years ago. He told me he sent me something after he received my mail, but I never received it. I also hate my mom for it because I'm pretty sure she stole my mail.

If X doesn't exist, what am I going to do? What is the point of living if you're not there, X? I think life is absolutely meaningless if there's no companion on my journey to death. The idea that we should enjoy the company of ourselves is a sad, fucked up shit because being alone is meaningless. Life without that power that shelters us, lets us know someone is always there for us, is meaningless.

This all leads to one conclusion--if Ken is married to someone else now, I might really just end my life right there; if I don't have the courage to do that to myself, I will also shatter whatever I have now into pieces because life is absolutely meaningless without "us".