Before the Meetup

I'm writing this entry now because I want to do it before the actual meetup. I have been chatting with a guy on whatsapp I met online. Our connection seemed instant--wits, ideas, the things we think about. Last night we talked on the phone for more than three hours; we didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. The conversation was a lot of fun and according to him, it was the first time that he opened up himself to someone right away before actually meeting the person. Of course I felt sweet, but we all know from this blog that he's not the first guy who feels that way about me.

We are going to meet up at 4 p.m. today. I don't know what's going to happen but I feel nervous, even anxious. Based on my past experience, this can only go two ways: 1) all the chemistry will be gone once I meet him and "smell" him in person because his pheromones simply repel me, like many other guys before, or 2) the chemistry and connection continues in person but somehow the relationship can't work.

Towards the end of our conversation last night, he mentioned that a couple of his best friends are girls and he actually dated them before. This made me feel really uncomfortable because you know I don't believe in platonic relationships and I know a lot of "best friends" end up being the most loving, lasting couples. I told him that in the past when I encountered situations like this with guys, I always asked them if they could guarantee that there would never be a future between them and their "best friend", and none of them could. He said that he promised there wouldn't be a future between him and this one girl. But then, Ivan hit me. I suddenly recalled that he promised me the exact same thing about D, and eventually they got married. So I said, "it doesn't mean anything because there's no escape of fate." Ivan made those promises to me not because he was lying, but because maybe he really wanted it to work and he really loved me. But fate kicked in. It was beyond our control. I cried but tried to sound poised on the phone.

He said that if it bothered me then I would be free to back out anytime; he also said that he didn't want to be with someone who can't accept that he has close female friends. I had a long pause and said, "But why can't it be the other way around? It sounds like that you already assume that the lover of your life can't be as close as your friends so you're choosing your friends over her." He was confused too and said that he wished he never had to make that choice. He also said the fact that I don't have any close friends makes it an unhealthy idea to find "the one" that I can count on like the only rock. There are a lot of things I can say about this but I chose not to because it was late and we were getting serious without having even met in person. So I'll explain here--friends come and go. Friends who I used to believe and confide in are no longer in my life. They wouldn't find out if I died in this moment; they don't know what's going on in my life and they don't care. There's no one I can talk with on a daily basis. There are occasional social gatherings with my students but I feel like I'm always repeating the same thing. I have to give them so much background information from the beginning so they can understand where I came from and why I am who I am. If friends never stay, I think it's a waste of time and energy so eventually I have stopped trying to make close friends. There's no one in my life at the moment who knows my deepest insecurity. Evan knows some stuff; Bruce knows some stuff; William knows some stuff, but no one knows the abyss of darkness in my heart that has been haunting me. No friend will want to be near that abyss because they're occupied by their own stuff too. Therefore, instead of trying to find several close friends in my life and stay in touch with them for the rest of my life, I think it's better and more likely to find the one who I can share the rest of my life with; he's a family by choice and family will always be family; they don't leave each other.

Another point I'd like to make here is that it is human nature to share emotions with someone else. I am tired of going through the fun stuff and bad stuff all by myself, and I know everyone else is too; they just haven't admitted it. That's why we have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all that stuff. They're eating something alone and why bother sharing a picture of their food on Instagram? Because they feel good about the food but it's lonely to be the only one having that feeling; we all need empathy from others to survive, to feel that belonging. If there were never needs for approval, empathy, or "likes" from people around us, none of those social networking websites wouldn't have succeeded and become the largest IPOs in history. You know I'm right about this.

So you would ask me, how about the third possible way? What if this guys turns out to be the one? Why am I being so pessimistic and never thought that he might be the one? Actually I have thought about it, that's why I'm still meeting up with him today. I'm not expecting anything and will be sticking to my boundaries this time. My mentality is a bit different from before--I used think that life without a partner is terrible but now I think it's both fine and not fine. It's not fine because I still feel lonely and very sad when I think of Ken, or Ivan, or some of the guys and how beautiful and happy the time was when I was with someone. But it seems quite alright at the same time because I write; I write to X  in this blog. I imagine about X and his embrace, which makes me feel less lonely. In the worst case scenario, I will end up being with my illusions for the rest of my life, but is that such a bad thing if this imaginary lover never hurts me or abandons me?