Feeling every day.

 Last night Eric texted me from the Tokyo about a movie he watched on the airplane, the Brutalist, because he knew I was interested in architecture. Then he asked me, "Are you still icked out from that comment I made the other night?" I asked him, "which comment?" He said, "the only one you had a negative reaction to." I asked, "You sure that was the only one?" He said, "Not at all." I said, "Hahaha" and he said, "But it's the only one you revealed to me. And you've maybe seemed a bit distant since then." Then I replied, "Why do I feel that you're the one distancing?" He said, "Whattt don't reverse this on me." I said, "yea lol. well, remember I told you a while ago about the ache I had when talking to you? That comment brought up the ache."

He said, "Yes. Interesting." I said, "seriously? interesting?" He asked, "Can you explain further?" I said, "it's complicated." He said, "yes I know. interesting bc that's not what I thought the ache was." Then he wanted to talk on the phone so we did, for 2 hours.

As soon as he heard my voice, he said, "ah. I feel grounded hearing your voice...Your giggles nourish me." I also told him that I missed his voice. Then we tried to explain what the ache was. He said in his case it was that there were times he really wanted to talk to me but couldn't and I finished his sentence and said, "because of life structures. My ache is the same thing." He said, "no I don't think so." and he wanted me to explain it. It was hard for me to find the right words so I said, "well the word is the same" and I laughed. He said, "Hm you're embarrassed to tell me what it is." I said, "probably yes." Then we talked about a lot of random things, including how I believed that Gottman was trying to capitalize his intuitive emotional attunement with his wife by teaching everyone that it's a skill that can be learned and acquired. He also asked me, "Are you feeling sad that I'm in Tokyo right now and not going to the City of Rain?" I said, "not really. I believe in what you said, 'we'll meet when the timing is right.'" He asked, "Don't you want to see me sooner?" I thought for a second and said, "but the timing now is not right." At the end of the conversation, I said, "I feel so happy talking to you" and he said the same thing.

After this phone call, a lot of emotions were triggered and it affects my sleep quality as well. I don't know how the universe plans to unfold things for us but at least I'm feeling things every day again. It's much better than living the same day after day and feeling that each day would repeat until I die and have zero hope. Having no hope in life is the most awful feeling of all.