Ivan Again

Images of Ivan kept resurfacing lately because apparently Mars and Ivan are of the same ethnicity. It's been sooooooooooo many years but it turns out I still remember everything. I remember how we first hooked up, and then broke up, and then he asked to be together with me. The moments when I cried and he comforted me, when I was so certain that no one else in the world would love me more than that, when I never gave up fighting for us, to be together.

At this point, I'm too tired to think if the kind of belief I have in love exists. Do people just marry people out of convenience? I don't care about the answer anymore because I don't believe so. I believe all the people, guys and women, are looking for what I'm looking for. Maybe in the end they give up and settle for much less. But I don't care about those stories; I care about mine and the successful ones. There isn't any in my family but there are some in my friends and biographies. I still believe that people want what I want so they write, sing, and make so many movies about it.

I watched Still Alice tonight and cried my eyes out. She's lucky because she's got a loving husband and kids. What if I get old but still alone? No one will take care of me and I'm gonna rot to death myself...

I have so many questions for Ivan. If he could ever respond to my email, I'd like to ask:
1) Is your wife your best friend now?
2) What do you think love is now?
3) What do you think makes love last?
4) Was what we had real love?
5) Was I really unlovable?