Bali for Christmas

So I'm pretty settled with the decision to travel solo to Bali during Christmas. It's not ideal, but it is happening. Six months ago I was pretty certain that I'd be traveling somewhere with the significant other for Christmas. As the summer goes by and I continued to procrastinate on the whole booking thing, I have realized that it's going to be another lonely Christmas and New Years. Last Christmas Eve Alex came by to my apartment and we spent the night together; then we broke up on Christmas day and never saw each other again. I can't believe a year has passed since he traumatized me.

Somehow, images of Ken and Eric show up as I picture Bali. Previously in my wishful thinking, I'd be traveling with one of the two. Mostly Ken. There were just a couple of times when I imagined to be meeting up again with Eric in Bali since he lives in Asia now. But that's not happening. I keep seeing images of Ken because I know he'd like my taste in hotels, location, and lifestyle. I know he would have a great time with me there. It kind of feels like the time when we took a stroll along the ocean in a sunny afternoon in the City of Gold. But of course, that's not happening either.

Bali is a place for couples and family. As I was researching on the hotels and resorts, most of the reviews were written by couples or families. Like 2% of those were written by solo travelers. I don't really like parties with strangers so I won't be booking a hotel in an area full of young people and parties. I'm going with some classic Starwood hotels where I get to sit by the beach all day reading and napping and sipping a cocktail. Perhaps X will show up and buy me a drink there.

And then we'll have our wedding at one of those hotels in Bali. Gosh their wedding venues are exactly the same as those in my dreams.

So the first thing tomorrow I'm going to book a plane ticket. I'll be traveling first-class for the first time in my life and staying at only five-star hotels. As I'm planning this trip, I'm filled with excitement and sadness at the same time. I feel excited to travel to such a paradise since I left the City of Gold; I feel sad because I am fucking alone again. Remember a few years ago when I promised myself never to do all these cool things again by myself; if I were doing any, I must be doing it with him. Well, I can't believe he hasn't shown up either. Where the fuck are you, X?

My mom is upset about me traveling by myself, which is something I've done tons of times in my life, just not to a developing country (although some cities in the US are worse than developing countries, say, Oakland, Houston, or DC). I told her, unfortunately, if I could find someone to travel with me, I would have found one already. I don't have any friends; even if I do have some good friends, they don't have the time or money to travel with me. I'm not traveling with my brother either because I don't wanna pay for his partner. Mom proposed to pay for him but she's completely oblivious about his gay relationship situation--he's not able to travel without his partner. Fuck all these people who are in a relationship.