Enough Jokes

Today was just another slow Sunday. I woke up at noon and had a feast in the afternoon with my family. I went to visit my baby niece and played with her for some time. I really want a baby of my own.

After I got home, the first thing that came to my mind was that I wanted to talk to Roy. Then he happened to message me and told me that he just moved to a new place, so we started to video chat. It went on for about three hours, and you know, we got naughty on the video call. After that, I wanted to know if things were serious again. I said I felt that he wasn't serious about me because if he was, he wouldn't keep telling me that he wanted to have sex with me so soon.

One thing led to another, he told me that he first met his wife when he was 16 and he was secretly in love with her for many years while she was dating other guys until they were officially together. He talked about the unconditional love he gave her and his kids, and then I cried.

The pain started again in my left chest. I wished he could tell me that he could give me that too, but he never said it. He only said I could have it. It's like this woman has all the things I can ever dream of. Today I just realized they actually have four kids and 3 puppies. When we first met, he told me he had only 2 boys. Seriously, everything. She has the money, 4 kids and puppies, unconditional love, a huge house. It's like the biggest joke the universe can ever play on me.

Roy said that it just told me that it's possible to have what I dream of, but he never said he could give me the same thing too. This just hurts so much. It's my dream, but why hasn't it happened yet? Because it won't happen. I'm too old. Guys near my age or older than me do not have that kind of innocence to be secretly in love with me, waiting for me, loving me unconditionally, putting me before their own needs. They don't have the emotional availability or the money to raise 4 kids and 2 puppies with me. There have been so many times I've dated a guy who doesn't want kids just for the sake of the chance of a lifelong commitment.  And it still doesn't work.

What is your fucking message, universe? Do you want me to build a new dream? Do you want me to give up? What do you want from me? I only have this life left; I have nothing else. Take it if you'd like.