The mirror of me

I've always believed in the theory that the people who surround us are usually the reflection of our own internal state.

Last Thursday, my student canceled the class so I decided to have dinner by myself at OT. Then there was this British guy talking to the bar owner who's also British. He was sitting next to me for a while but I didn't bother to initiate the conversation. I was just focusing on the scramble with friends and my food. Finally he came close to me and broke the ice by commenting on some pumpkins that the bartenders or the owner had carved.

Then this is how things started. I wasn't physically attracted to him and I thought I would never talk to him again as we left the bar so I lied; I told him that I was a motivational speaker rather than a teacher. I did that for a couple of reasons:

One, I hate it when people try to get to know someone new by starting with the job they do because I believe most jobs do not tell you about who the person really is; two, I was interested in knowing what it would feel like if I were really a motivational speaker, which is a career path I have been contemplating.

But then, somehow our conversation became so engaging. We talked from about 8 o'clock in the evening till midnight, when he walked me to the metro station and I took the last subway home.

Somewhere along the conversation, he touched my fingers occasionally. Sometimes I shirked from his touch. In the end, he picked up my tab.

Over the past few days, we have exchanged text messages. The thing with this guy, Roy, is that he's divorced with two adult kids and he's 50 years old. I thought he was 45 when we met at a bar and he didn't correct me. When we were at the bar, he opened up to me and told me the drama he went through with this divorce and children and a puppy he got a while ago that died as tragically as Baby did. He told me a lot of things that he never told others before; well, at least according to him.

This guy would be perfect for me if he weren't old and divorced. His divorce is kind of dramatic. Later I googled his scramble ID and I found some of the online ads he had posted looking for one night stands. I started to wonder the truthfulness of his story about his divorce. He said his divorce started when his wife told him that she was tested positive for STDs. Later his test came back and he was completely clean, which meant his  wife cheated on him. But after seeing his ads posted online, I'm starting to be suspicious and thinking that he might actually have STDs.

Now I have a lot to think about. First, why on earth would I attract someone so much older than myself? Is it because I am an old soul? It's something we talked about at the bar and apparently I do think in the very mature way, in a much older away than my real age.

Second, am I a defected person? Is it because I am able to understand or feel things that most people can't? Because I am unusual, I am attracting people who have outrageous flaws, such as being significantly older, bipolar depressed, depend on substances, cheating on their long-term extremely serious significant others, or even physically challenged?

Third, I actually gave it a lot of thought. What if Roy is capable of giving me in the relationship I want? In Modern Family, Jay is also about 25 years older then Gloria and yet they're so happy together. Is this something I should give a shot to?

In my senior year in college, I fantasized about one of my professors at school. And I was so happy that then because there was no break up even though the professor was about 25 years older than I was. We are still in in contact with each other from time to time. in other words, it is possible for me to feel sexually turned on by an older man. But I don't want to deal with his ex-wife and adult boys.

This is the part where I feel really sad. I haven't been on a date for six months and I crave to be embraced by a man one night. I feel so lonely especially at night but I don't know how to deal with it.

This entry was done with the assistance of Siri.