Dream

Last night I had several intermittent chaotic dreams but I can only remember one of them--The one in which Ken and I kissed. There were other episodes leading to the kiss as if we had several adventures before we finally kissed. Then I woke up, feeling sad again about Ken. He hasn't come across my mind for a long time and even if he has they're usually brief and involve my hatred for him. But in this dream, I could actually feel our kiss and it was purely romantic; there wasn't any hatred involved in my dream. Does this mean I still love him subconsciously, without myself knowing it?

I had another quick lunch date with Roy and things were actually great. He wanted to kiss me but I didn't let him. Am I blocking myself from love? If he didn't have all the baggage I would've kissed him long ago. I wanted to be embraced by him and lay my head on his chest as if I can finally feel secure again; however, I don't love him enough to accept all his baggage with him. Is my love life hopeless?