Apart

Tonight I feel really sad. There are some stuff at work. I feel easily irritated by repeated questions from my students and how lazy someone of them have been. I just can't stand watching other people waiting for something that's already done for them without putting too much effort in it. I have always hated slackers through all my schools. Maybe it's me who's not the smart one because I've always taken the hard way to digest information; however I have seen a lot of other students who have been taking the easy route such as copying other people's notes or sort of cheating on their exams. I'm starting to think to see things like those in my students and I just feel so angry to see that. On the one hand, I am supposed to feel happy that there are lazy learners like this so I can have a steady job that pays well; on the other hand I get irritated seeing them not working so hard by themselves while only depending on whatever quick tips I have for them. I don't know how to deal with this conflict. I have cried and screamed and cried again in my room by the frustration and contradiction are still there. The thing is I don't know how much longer I will be doing this job and I have never planned to have this career for the rest of my life in fact my plan has always been very short-term say just before when I get marriage. And yet the guy hasn't shown up and I start to panic because I am so afraid that he will never show up and I'll never have the opportunity to become a mom which is my dream job and then I'll be stuck with this job forever. Ken, where are you? Or is it you? Wherever you are please show up. I've been sick these days and I'm feeling afraid. I fear that I would never have a chance to meet you.

There are so many things i'm afraid of. Fred things would fall apart. I'm afraid you will never show up. I'm afraid of being stuck. I'm afraid I wouldn't have the latitude to say no when I'm caught up with the money matter. I'm afraid of being numb again. I'm afraid of being lost forever. Please show up soon. I really need you now.