Selfish

This time, I'm the selfish one.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning and scrolled through my contacts on LINE. Then, all of a sudden, a smile astonished me. It was Ken's profile picture. He never used a profile picture on any of the social media. But he put up a new picture of himself sitting at a cafe smiling to the camera. It was a big smile.

That smile wasn't getter than the smile I captured for him when we ran into the Black Eyed Peas. The mouth looked great but his eyes projected a sense of a dead soul.

But whatever it was, I felt intense jealousy. Who was making him smile like that? If I truly love him, I should feel happy that he's feeling happy right? But I don't. I want him to be happy but I want to be the one who makes him happy. I mean, yes, I have to accept that fact he can be happy without me and that is a very good thing for him. But I'm just so damn selfish. Because he made me so happy. I just want him to feel the same way about me.

Then I broke down in tears in the shower. I screamed with the shower and cried.Unfortunately, I didn't have time to indulge myself in these emotional turmoils because I had so much work all of a sudden yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 4am today. And now I finally have time to write down this episode.

Then I hid Ken from my contacts. I didn't have to see his happy smile again.

I'm a terrible person right? I know very well about all that crap that I need to love him unconditionally and I'm feeling this way because I can't make myself happy; it's wrong to be jealous of him being happy or someone else being able to make him happy. BUT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I AM JEALOUS. I AM SELFISH. I FEEL ANGRY. I feel grief...

Begin Again is such a badass good movie. It's so amazing and beautiful and I love the music so much.

" We're searching for meaning but are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark. I thought I saw you out there crying. I thought I heard you call my name. I thought I heard you out there crying but just the same..."

I tried singing here for the first time....I was never confident about my voice...