Loneliest Man in the World

"Lay down my defenses I surrender, surrender to you. I might as well just fall into forever. It’s like a hurt that eternally burns. Am I the loneliness man in the world? Loneliness man in the world."

Today I have come to a realization of the power of fate. There are just so many things in life that can never be changed, both mentally and physically. Again, I didn't get to choose to be born, I didn't get to choose my parents, I didn't get to choose any of my childhood situations, and I didn't get to choose my genes. These are all destined. At this point of my life, I no longer believe random probability determines our fate. It's not random, it's not statistics.

Why was I thinking about this today? Ian said I am an intriguing person but not an intriguing woman, which is why men only want to be friends with me and don't want to be romantic with me. There are so many women out there that men would go after them, protect them, and cherish them, but I just can't be one of them. Why is it?

I'm intriguing as a person because of how my brain was formed (or suffocated before I was born). That was fate. The truth is I had sexual fantasies when I was in kindergarten that I used to draw comic strips about adult nudity and sex. I started to watch porn when I was 7 or 8. I had my first nocturnal orgasm when I was 14. That strong sex drive was something I was born with I believe, which also causes me a lot of problems in my love life because I always assume that sexual intimacies are equal to romance and love and I always have a hard time resisting a man's touch.

That's the case with Rain. For the past couple of days, our phone conversations have revolved around sex. He knows that I'm a virgin. He talked about how he'd like to hug me, kiss me, make out with me and eventually make love to me. All that talk was a huge turn on for me. But I know, for a normal girl, it makes her feel offended and she'd just ignore the guy right away. Any normal girl would feel weird around this guy. I guess I'm just too fucked up to see the strangeness. I've always thought that was sweet and normal because we all have that libido.

Today I took Ian's advice and stepped back from Rain. If we're going to spend the next 60 years together, why can't we wait for a few more days? We've known each other for only a week and we were about to get naked and make out and all that. I backed up and told Rain that I need time before I can have sex with him. I need security and love. He said I could take my time, which I appreciated. Then he continued that we should shower together sometime too. I refused; I said I need to be in a committed relationship to do anything sexual like that. Kissing and holding hands are OK but not making out. Then he became silent. The conversation dropped. He said he was going to visit me tonight as the first, most important thing as soon as he comes back to the City of Rain from his military base. Now it's all gone. No more texts, no more phone calls, no personal visits.

I'm fairly sure that Rain will just disappear like that. Perhaps he just left a club with some girl who he's about to have sex with. I was wrong about another man again.

Dear X, where are you? I'm feeling pain all over my body. If you're there loving me, why can't you be here right now and hold me tight? I need you to hold me tight and tell me it's all over now, that I'm safe now and you'll always be there for me.

"Baby, it's all over now. It's OK now. You can cry and let it out. I'm right here holding you in my arms. I will never leave you. You're safe now and I will always be here with you. Please fear no more." ~X