Why?

--9pm, Oct 17, 2013, via iMessage

From Ken:
Hey Kendra, I want to sincerely apologize for Tue night. I was drunk and totally screwed up. No excuse whatsoever. Totally my fault. I know we had plans to meet tomorrow, but unfortunately I am at the airport and heading overseas for business and wedding now. I shall be back early Nov and hope to catch up then. I apologize again and hope all continues to go well with you.

From me:
Ok apology accepted. But there are other things I'd like to clarify with you in person. But first thing first, I don't believe you're at the airport now. And about Tuesday night, I felt scared because you were almost like a complete stranger to me. You were not the Ken I remember back in the City of Gold. The Ken I remember was a man who always came to my rescue when I was down. And even when you were drunk before you never did anything bad to me. I feel angry about Tuesday night because I felt like I was being treated like a slut. I have dated a lot of men but I AM STILL A VIRGIN, and nobody had ever made out with me without kissing me at all. I just can't believe the man I trust the most in the world did this to me.

--Oct 9, 2013

I was missing Ken all of a sudden. I hadn't heard from him for almost three months. No emails, texts, nothing. I thought I forgot about him, but as one man came and left, I started to miss Ken again. After dating so many men after I told him how I felt about him back in the City of Gold, I somehow missed all the beautiful times I spent with Ken, and I started to believe again that no man would treat me better than he did. The attention from Rain was getting more and more sporadic, and yet somehow this guy still said "love you, baby" at the end of every conversation. I began to find it less and less convincing.

Interestingly, DK messaged me some pictures again, after a month or two. Then we had a talk via texts about how he felt about me. He said I was cute and sexy at the same time. In the end, I decided he didn't like me that much. But he said if I needed someone to talk to or a company he was only a text message away.

--Oct 12, 2013

I was suffering from a terrible menstrual cramp. It was probably the worst one I'd ever had. I took Tylenol and Advil together twice during the day and it wasn't working. I even passed out at one point that Saturday afternoon and woke up again in cold sweat. First, I called Rain. It turned out he was in his military base and couldn't be with me. So I texted DK and he came.

I was very drowsy and weak from the medicine and pain. He comforted me. And then we made out for five hours straight. The weirdest part was that I didn't feel emotional this time. I was actually a bit afraid that I might have become jaded and numb. But then mt thoughts of Ken were getting stronger. I started to recall every moment we had together in the City of Gold, including the best day in both our lives, the moment he came to my rescue at my hotel so I could crash at his place (see P.S.), the moment when I was exhausted by my apartment hunt and then he took me for dinner (see P.S.1), all the moments when he cooked for me and remembered to buy strawberry Haagen Dazs for me when I was sad, and the night I sat and drew on his iPad silently next to him while he was working.

--Oct 16, 2013

I had been missing Ken for a few days now. At 7pm on Tuesday, I received a text message from him "How are you? What are you up to?" I felt surprised reading it but I decided not to respond right away because I was teaching and that night I had to race through the deadline for a handout.

I finally finished work at 1am. Then I decided to honestly respond to his message "I feel happy to hear from you! I've been busy with work lately but will have a short break soon. Also I've trying to develop some new hobbies besides making money. Thank you for asking. And yourself?"


What surprised me even more was that he replied to my message. He's been on sleeping pills for a long time and he goes to bed at 9p every day. He told me he needed a drink now because he was stressed out about career choices. As a friend I was there for him but I told him I couldn't go out at that time because I was exhausted from work. I said he could come to my place and get beers from the 24-hour convenience store downstairs. Then he hopped on a cab and got to my place. We exchanged that look again. But something was off. He was already drunk by the time he arrived at my place. I couldn't tell how drunk he was until he fell off from my computer chair.

Then he told me about his two job offers. One of them will be in China but pays a lot more; the other one will be in the City of Rain and pays a lot less. He said he was a money whore. Then I said, "I don't understand your point. If money is all you care about, then the better choice is obvious." He couldn't speak clearly anymore but I heard him say "you're so naive!"

He was angry about my late reply to his message. He kept asking why I replied so late. He wanted to take me to my favorite bar at the W Hotel but I didn't reply so he went to drink with other people instead.

He also asked me what I had been up to. I said I was working, decorating my apartment, getting flowers, reading novels, and drawing. He asked me why I hadn't sent him my drawings recently. I said I hadn't drawn for a while. He continued to ask, "what else is new in your life?" I said, "really nothing. That's it." He asked me if I brought men home, and I teased him by saying "I'm not telling you." Then he just assumed that I did and called me a slut.

He got even more out of control. He got jealous that I'm now quite famous as a teacher now and he quoted my students "oh I wanna take a picture with my teacher!" I had to pause a few seconds to recall where he got that from. Then I remember the night I last saw and talked to him before Tuesday night (see P.S.3).

He began to ask me to give him a massage. I said no, because I needed a massage myself. He said "OK, you'll give me a massage first and then I'll give you one." I replied, "why don't you give me a massage and then I'll give you one?" He said, "sure!" And then he started to massage me, in my bed. I began to return his favor, in my bed, after he was done.

I stopped as soon as my hands felt tired. He wanted more and pulled my hand. I refused. Then he started to put his left hand on my chest, and I resisted it. This was where the whole make out thing took place. I thought we were finally going to kiss and have the most passionate make out session ever. However, he tried to take my clothes off and play with my breasts and never kissed me. In the middle of the night he tried to take out my pajama top several times; I resisted for the first few times. Besides, he sat me up at one point and tried to take off my top again and I said "no" repeatedly and went to the bathroom.

I came back to my bed trying to sleep, but he started to touch my breasts and take off my top again. I gave in eventually because I was really tired. He played with my nipples all night and I resisted several times when he tried to put his hand in my panties. I never let him go near my vagina.

At one point he went outside of my apartment to smoke and had a soda from my fridge. Apparently he was at least 60% sober. After he came back to bed he held me in his arms to sleep. Yet we never kissed.

I noticed that every time when I faced him in bed, he'd turn to the other side and not touch me. However, when I turned my back to him, he'd hold me tightly from behind. This worked every time.

In the morning I tried to put my top back on and he didn't let me. After he woke up, he went to the bathroom and I put my top back on. After he came out from the bathroom, we acted as if nothing happened. He said he had to go because one company had been calling him already. I had to walk him to the elevator because I had to swipe my entrance card for him.

While we were waiting for the elevator, I couldn't pretend anymore and asked, "do you remember anything at all from last night?" He said, "well, I remember texting you at around 7pm and then..." I interrupted, "you made out with me last night. The weirdest thing was that you never kissed me. This has never happened to me before." He looked down and said, "that was awkward." The elevator arrived, he went in, and said thanks to me.

Later that night after I finish my lecture, I called him and said, "hey I need to talk to you now, in person. You owe me this one." He said, "not now. I'm already in bed. I really can't get out of my bed right now." I said, "OK when?" He said, "I'm not sure. Maybe a few days later?" I said, "no, this is an emergency. I need to talk as soon as possible. How about tomorrow night? I get back to downtown at around 10p." He said, "My schedule seems available tomorrow night." I said, "OK then. Don't forget." He said, "OK."


P.S.

OK so I never wrote about this story here. Before I moved into my own place in the City of Gold, I had to stay at a hotel for a week or two. This happened around early September in 2012. Then somehow Ken's company wanted him to go on a business earlier than planned to the City of Gold so I could crash at his place for free again. He landed at the airport at midnight and I thought I could move into his place the day after. But he offered to pick me up in his cab on his way from the airport to downtown so I could save one night at the hotel and he could help me with my large suitcases. I asked him why he was so nice to him. He answered "consider I owed you this in my past life." I said, "then you must have been my abusive husband in our past life." He said, "no way!" So that night, I was feeling extremely anxious about the shitty new company where I just started. I waited in the lobby for him in the evening. It turned out his flight was badly delayed and he didn't arrive until 1am. When he showed up, he felt like my hero. And we did that smile to each other again. It's a thing we always do when we see each other. We don't say hi or anything. We just look into each other's eyes and smile. And the eyes and smile are always genuine. We arrived at his place and it turned out to be a studio this time so there was no compartment between us. I forgot why he let me sleep in his bed this time, and he had a terrible night on the couch with bad allergies. I was waken up by his coughing early in the morning and he guilt tripped me by saying "I couldn't sleep at all cuz you took my bed!" And I jumped out of my bed and said to him, "Oh please don't get mad. Would you like to sleep in the bed now?" He smiled and said no. Then he asked me to go downstairs and get breakfast with him. He said he had a good news for me but he didn't want to tell me. I begged him to let me know, so he told me that he was moving to a two-bedroom but his colleague hadn't arrived yet so I got to keep a bedroom to myself for a while. At that moment I did feel very lucky and happy. He did cared about me in details.

P.S.1.

This happened way before P.S. I just relocated from the City of Power to the City of Gold, and I spent days walking in the hilly City of Gold trying to look for a comfortable and affordable apartment. I felt so tired and frustrated and lonely. I finally found an expensive place and signed the lease. I was sitting at a Starbucks in downtown on the pier and messaged Ken on Skype that I just signed a lease in that neighborhood. Then he relied, "wait, you're in the City of Gold?!?! Why didn't you tell me??" I said, "I thought you wouldn't fly here until a week later." Then he told me that he had to be there earlier than scheduled for work changes. He asked me where I was and I said I was in the Starbucks right across from his office building. He asked me out for dinner and told me to wait for him at his office building. So we saw each other at his office building lobby entrance. He exchanged that look and smile again, without saying much. I almost cried when I was him. I actually cried when I told him how I felt about my apartment hunt. Then he took me to a Chinese restaurant near his apartment. We stared into each other's eyes for a while in silence and both of us looked away. He said, "you look like shit." I said, "I know. I was so exhausted and scared, but now you're here..."

After dinner, he asked me to hang out at his place. We walked past the Grove, which was an interesting American fusion restaurant. He looked at the menu and said, "let's have dinner here tomorrow. The date is set!" And I smiled and nodded. Back in his apartment, he asked me some questions about natural gas because he was going to check out a project. Then at one point he told me that he was missing a girl that he chased after a few months ago. She was the daughter of a multi-billionaire and she works for her family business. Upon hearing that I pulled back my feelings. That night he let me sleep in his bed but I heard him call that girl. He was gone in the early morning for the natural gas project.

P.S.3

It was some time in early August. A friend was raising a PE fund and I put him in touch with Ken. We had brunch in the morning that day. And then Ken and I walked around the neighborhood for a while. He dragged me to the Apple Store again. It was like the old times when we both felt extremely comfortable with each other's company even when we're being nerdy and geeky. That night I was having a happy hour event with my students. He messaged in the afternoon that he and another colleague of ours wanted to tag along because they wanted to meet young girls. I introduced them to Ken but afterwards he told me he wasn't interested in anyone of them. Then the three of us went to another night club for more drinks. He got drunk, and started to hit on other girls and left me alone. I had to leave the club alone at 2am. It was also the time when I decided alcohol and clubbing both suck and I didn't like Ken anymore. We hadn't talked or contacted each other at all since then until this Tuesday.