Rain

A new man has just shown up in my life and his name is Rain.

We met in person on Saturday. I took him to my favorite cafe in town and he told me a day after that the food there sucks. He's 2.5 years younger than me and still serving in the military. He's fall, muscular, and good looking. On top of that, he's fully bilingual like myself and he's a total gentleman.

Before we met in person, I didn't care that much about this guy. Because he is young and good looking, I just didn't believe that he was looking for what I'm looking for. He messaged me twice before I decided to respond to his email. Then we chat on the first night through texting for almost two hours. On the second night, he called me on the phone. We talked for another two hours. Both of us felt a lot of connection and then met up on the following Saturday.

He's a very straight forward person. I am so attracted to his honesty that sometimes I wonder if it's too good to be true. I cannot resist his persuasion. But on the first date, we were quite platonic. At dinner we were talking about our families, work and all that. He's the only child in his family and has a really good relationship with his parents. I told him about my family too. His family is quite well off but he's eager to take care of his parents financially. That's something I appreciate in a man, and it also makes him different from other guys I've known.

Then he asked me if we could walk outside so he could hold my hands or hug me and I agreed. We walked and talked all the way from the cafe to my alma mater, which happened to be in the same neighborhood. I started to talk about what I want in a relationship. I told him very clearly that I don't want to be in a relationship that goes nowhere. I want something that leads to marriage and family and I don't want to be friends with guys whom I have feelings for.

He got scared. At first he was debating with me about my conditions. He was so afraid that if anything went wrong we couldn't even be friends at all. We continued this conversation at a dark corner somewhere on campus.

After telling him where I came from, he said that he wished we met when I was younger so I wouldn't project so many conditions into the future. He said he really liked me but it was so difficult to be with me. I started crying. I showed him DK's heartbreaking text message to me about how I was the whole package and yet he really liked another girl and found me emotional/clingy. Rain quite agreed with DK.

Then I started looking down to the ground, frowning and sad. I hated dates and always felt nervous about these dates because they never went any other way. There were only three possible scenarios: 1) the date goes well but somehow the guy just withdraws and then disappears; 2) the date itself doesn't go well like the guy didn't pay or said something hurtful; 3) I assume the date goes well while the other guy doesn't think so at all. I told Rain about this befor we met because I was extremely nervous before the date. I had never been this nervous about a blind date.

At one point Rain said good luck with all my conditions and I was feeling angry. I wondered if he said good luck to me as a sarcasm. I'd heard too many guys say that to me after telling me they couldn't be with me. I assumed the same with Rain. Somehow, he said he wanted to give it a try with me. I felt quite surprised. Then I asked him why he liked me.

He said obviously I was the whole package. I'm good looking and smart, and financially stable at such an early stage of life with a master's degree. But the key is that he thinks I'm very very strong. After going through so much pain in life, I have been able to establish myself to who I am today, which means I must be very strong and he really appreciates that.

Then he asked me if he could give me a hug and I let him. He held me in his arms and I lay my head on his chest, crying. I melted completely in his embrace, which he later told me felt so good. He asked me what I was afraid of. I told him I was afraid of being alone.

We stared into each other's eyes for a moment. He asked me if he could kiss me. I didn't say anything. I just looked at him and smiled. He put his nose on mine and we both smiled. We kissed in the dark corner under a tree, and made out a little. As we left my school, he held my hand, which wasn't the fist time that night. He held my hand and my waist when we walked from the cafe to the school. But this time I felt secure. He told me that actually the things I feel jealous about he'd feel jealous too. It's just that over the time we learn to not to care about it.

For the past few days, he's been calling me baby. He even said "love you" at the end of every conversation. I haven't reciprocated but I just don't feel weird about it. I indeed feel very sweet. It's the first time in my life that someone says that to me first. Even Ivan didn't say it first. But my logic tells me that it seems almost impossible. What if he's the most evil liar in the world? What if he knows how gullible and easy and lonely I am and puts on all this sweet talking in order to have sex with me?

So I had to check with Ian. Ian of course said that Rain is really weird, bad weird. He could be the biggest player of all time. After hearing about our first date, Ian thought I was so easy. He thought any man can easily lie to me and get in bed with me, especially that I cried on a first date and told him that I was afraid of being alone. But here's my dilemma. Nobody likes the real me. After every date no man wants to see me again because I'm so lonely and easy. It makes me feel that who I am is a seriously flawed person. They all want me to change. At first, Rain said the same thing to me too. I told him the way I respond to things emotionally has never changed since I was a kid. Then he said good luck and then he said he didn't want me to change wanted to be with me. Now here comes a man who likes me for who I am and I like him too, but we just start to wonder if he's a scam.

Dear X, are you Rain? Before I talked to Ian I almost trusted you completely. I felt sweet and warm about everything you say to me. I thought maybe you were the one. But now I am afraid. You said you'd call me but I haven't received your call and instead I found you online at the dating website we used to meet each other. X, perhaps you're not Rain. X, your heart is safe with me but please don't take advantage of that. Because I'm a naive person, because I want to believe in the good in people, because I want to believe there's at least someone out there who really wants to be with me, please don't hurt me in the evilest way possible, i.e. lying and stealing every piece of my heart and body and then leaving me.

I had a very long talk with Ian today. He thought what Ken did for me was really nothing big deal, but for me, nobody else has ever been so nice to me and that was why I was holding on to him for so long. If what Ian said is true, what can a man possibly do for a woman? What do most men do for their women? I have never seen anything heroic in my own life. All I've seen is violence, anger, and fear. That's why every time when a guy is nice to me and says something sweet to me, I just assume he must care about me and that I am special, but according to Ian, it doesn't really mean anything. If those small things don't mean anything, that means no one in the world really cares about me. Then what's the point of living?

X, if you love me, please show up soon. Rain is the only man since Ivan who told me that he'd like to give me a try, although we're not entirely clear on what that means. He's the only man who's ever told me that he loves me before I do. He has patiently answered to all my insecure questions. X, could you be Rain?

The heartache of recalling the image where Cato said to me "what you're asking for is entirely reasonable but I just don't wanna do those things" still brings me goose bumps and tears. My dear X, what I ask for is very little. I don't need you to be rich or successful or good looking. I want you to be kind, sane, stable, and supportive. Always be there for me, with dedication. Tell me you're certain about me and that you want to work toward a happy ever after with me. I will do the same for you, against all odds. I will feel touched and possibly even cry when you do a small nice thing for me, such as a surprise show up just because you miss me, or just tell me you love me every day. Hold me in your arms and tell me I'm safe now.