Talk to Me

Dear X,

I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I tutored the kids in the morning and in the middle of it, I was terrified by the kids' mom screaming at her daughter. It had nothing to do with me but it just made me feel very nervous. I cannot stand domestic violence a bit. Although they weren't violent, the scream and shout triggered me. I was very scared and stressed out at work.

When I was in college, I used to tutor another kid every day until one day his father beat him in front of me.

Then I started to think about you. I really don't like to deal with other people's criticisms, anger, judgments, opinions, etc. I'm so tired of being tough and independent for the sake of being a "modern, financially independent woman." I don't like to deal with people and money. I like making money, but I don't like to deal with people. I enjoy making money by doing something that doesn't require too much human interaction, such as writing. I find lecturing draining out my energy the fastest. But in sum, I want to be in your arms forever and take care of our family for us.

I was born socially awkward so whatever I'm doing for a living right now requires me much more effort and time to get here. I speak in public for a living and it's almost the opposite my nature. Deep down I'm very shy, quiet, vulnerable and scared. I've fought against or suppressed my nature so intensely in order to be able to do what I do now. I don't like going solo at social occasions, but if you're by my side, I will be the most charming person in the room.

Tonight I sang and recorded Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat because it's going to be our wedding song. I wish your voice could be there too; I had to do both the male and female vocals by myself. I like it though. I think we'll impress all the guests at our wedding if we sing that song together.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight again. Usually I cry alone and try not to bother anyone, but tonight I must talk to you. Everyone is walking away from me. I feel neglected. I thought you were Rain, but then I realized you're not. Rain fooled me into bed and doing sexual things with him. I feel hurt but I'm trying to rationalize it. Although I don't care about him that much, I still feel hurt that he used me. I wish I get to be the "user" for once. I haven't heard from Ken or Eric since. Eric broke up with his six-year girlfriend three months ago and he's been relocated to the City of East for work. I messaged him on G-chat after Ken spent the night at my apartment because Eric knew Ken too. Then we talked on Skype for hours. We were both very happy to see each other on webcam as a single man and a woman. I asked him to come visit me and he said "OK". But he's still looking for an affordable airline ticket I guess.

And Ken, just hasn't talked to me since that iMessage. I'm quite certain that he'll continue to act like nothing ever happened and forget about meeting me early next month, although deep down I pray for a fairy tale to happen. I hope that we can end up together forever and that he can propose to me soon, despite anything rational wouldn't give me a clue like that.

X, are you one of these men? I'm feeling so much pain and tears in my chest again. I want to write the most beautiful and romantic story for us. If you're there, please show up soon. Imagine we're going to spend the rest of life together, but my youth is running out. I can still go clubbing with you at my age now but I won't be able to in 5 years because loud music and crowds will simply irritate me. At the moment, I'm no longer a fan of clubbing but hippop and David Guetta still turn me on. Imagine we can travel around the world together now, while we're young and strong. If we get together too late, kids will pop out and life will require more responsibilities from us. Please show up soon.

The city is full of couples. Everyone on the street is holding hands with their loved one. Only I am alone. I deserve you, X. Take my hand and take me with you. I can take care of a lot of things on my own; you don't need to babysit me. A couple of days ago I bought a 42" TV by myself from the mart in my building. The TV was bigger than the shopping cart and I pushed it home all by myself. I installed everything on my own. I also assembled all the furniture at my apartment. I can cook, I can do a lot of things. All I ask of you is to always be there for me so I can feel safe, and then I can feel powerful and we'll succeed in everything in life as a couple. That's why I think we need to meet now to build our life up asap.

I love you,
J