After work today I picked up Little O and Little N from their school. It was a full day of school for Little O so he was very hungry and wanted to buy noodles from the noodle shop near us. He really tried to order the food on his own and we had been rehearsing what to say multiple times. We were waiting in line for our turn.

Then a young man with a backpack in front of us finished his order. He turned back to us and said to me "watch your child." Little O didn't do anything to him. After I finished our order, I kept staring at him, and he saw me stare at him, and then I went to talk to him.

I asked, "Did my child touch you?"

He said, "Yes he brushed my backpack."

I said, "Did you see how narrow the space is for lining up? Was I not watching him? There are other people who brushed me and I don't say anything."

He said, "Your child brushed me and you should watch him. Should I apologize for your child brushing my backpack? I am going to record this."

He was getting his phone out. I raised my voice, "My child is a minor so don't you dare record him. Also he's autistic. If you film me, I can film you too."

Then, some random loser dining at the restaurant turned to me and said, "you guys can take your discussion outside. This is a place for people to eat."

I took Little O outside to wait for our food and I kept staring at him. The more I stared at him, the harder he laughed. I suspected that he was mentally deranged, and yet he was so articulate. I fucking wanted to kill him. Then he came outside to smoke and said to me, continuing to laugh, "I have all day to spend with you."  I said, "who taught you to talk like this? Where is your ethics? Were you not born and raised by your mother?" I said to him, "if you're so afraid of narrow spaces and being brushed by others, I recommend you move somewhere rural without anyone."

There were more exchanges between us. At one point Little O tried to hold his hand, and it made him laugh sarcastically. I yelled at Little O, "This man is bullying you." This man said, "Even your child knows that you should go now. You're so funny."

Our food was ready and I asked the cashier, "that guy is somewhat psychotic right?" The cashier said, "possibly. When you encounter someone like that, don't waste your time and just leave." 

I am so fed up with the world; they are so fucking selfish that there is no room left for my children. Even if this man is mentally deranged, I have no sympathy for him. I wish that his psychotic episode takes place tonight and he ends his life right there. The world doesn't have enough oxygen and space for losers like that. 

After we got home, I asked Little O, "Do you know why mommy is very scared and very sad? There was a man bullying you. He was a bad man."

Owen said, "And Owen wanna go to mommy's white car and scream." I think he's telling me how he has felt from some other similar incidents at school but he doesn't have the words to describe what happened.

Why are we so alone in this world?

Scared.

 How scared do I have to be for the universe to protect me one day? I don’t want to be tough and fight anymore.

After work I picked up my kids. Little O was hungry so we went to his favorite noodle place to pick up food for home. We were lining up behind a man with a backpack. When the man finished his order, he turned and said to me “manage your child”. I taught Little O how to order and then I kept sitting on what that man told me. I decided to confront him.

He claimed that my child brushed his backpack and I had the responsibility to manage my child. I said I was managing my child the whole time and given how tiny the space was, it was inevitable for people to brush into each other. If he didn’t like how packed things are here, he can move somewhere else. He seemed a bit mentally deranged but he was quite articulate. I kept staring at him and he kept laughing. The more I stared at him the harder he laughed. He even wanted to take out his phone to film me. I said I have a minor here so you can’t film him, and also he has autism. If you do this, I will film you too.

Then another customer at the restaurant turned to me and said you can take your discussion outside; this is a place for people to eat. That made me even angrier. In this world, nobody is on my side. Nobody can protect me. I keep fighting while being terrified. Why does our life have to be like this?

This was the same shit that happened to us in New York last summer as well. A man at the restaurant did not like that my child was crying and told me to take my child outdoors until he’s calm. I went back into the restaurant after that man had left. Then I asked the manager and all the waitresses here why they let that man do that to us. They claimed that they didn’t know that’s what happened. I told them that they were discriminating against us for our race and our disability. He claimed that it wasn’t true and that man was a nice man because he was a frequent customer. My husband was there the whole time and he did not stand up for me. We left without having our food and Angel just told them that I believe my wife is right.

Dear X, where are you? I cannot live like this anymore. I am so scared and everything when something like this happens I just wanna hide and runaway. I want to take my kids to a safe place. Nobody can take care of me. In today’s incident Angel was just waiting in the car. He didn’t even see what happened. I had to relay the incident to him and he couldn’t really feel me. I’m starting to hate you X. Where the hell are you when I need you?

My last messages

Jes and I got into a conflict regarding mixed race kids. Here are my last messages to him:

Hey I’ve been doing some real deep thinking about what you said. From my own experience of having two biracial kids, people around me have been questioning nonstop whether some abnormality is attributed to the fact that they have white genes.

For example when I was pregnant with my first one, I puked so much. I puked every day until the day he was born and was sent to ER 3 times to get IV drips because I was too weak. However I was actually a physically healthy woman and no woman in my family had such bad morning sickness like I did. The doctors obviously couldn’t have any data on why this could be happening; they could only think that it was a tendency in my body. Many people thought that it was because genetically my kid was half white and the compatibility with Asian body is just not the same.

Both of my kids were born super large, larger than any other kid born in my family. People also think it’s because they’re half white. Because of their size I had to get a c-section twice. My younger one was so large that when he was born, he had a mild dysplasia (and still does, like very borderline abnormal).

As soon as they were born, people started to look at their eye color and hair color, their nose. All the places where you could look for white features. They were all curious what color they would be. A part of me felt lost because I don’t understand why their family couldn’t just accept them the way they are—two newborns in our family. Instead they had to focus on their physical features. This is what people do, inevitably. That’s why you said the data are subdued. Even if they were born completely Asian like me, people would still pay attention to whether their eyes are big, nose is pointy, mouth is small etc. but because kids are half white, those features became much easier to see and easier to distinguish. It almost feels like a part of the reason they’re loved is that they’re good looking (people here generally think that being close to white people’s standards of beauty is good looking).

And yes, like you said, that’s indeed unhealthy. When they were toddlers, I had to look out for people who secretly take pictures of them in public without my consent, because they’re like those babies in commercials. In Asia, even if a local clothing brand uses white or biracial babies for their commercials. I spent quite some energy to keep them in stealth mode. When people wanted to take pictures with them I turned them down and made sure the hood on their stroller was covering them. It was indeed unhealthy for them and for me to go through that, but most people would probably think it was no big deal and for those without self-esteem they’re probably jealous of this kind of attention. Like you said, this kind of data is indeed subdued and no scientist would be able to collect this kind of data from our life experience.

After they went to school fitting in is a problem. Most of the time I avoid thinking about their looks and skin color. They stood out in their schools because of behavioral problems and language problems. Both of them are more fluent in English than in Chinese but because of their behavioral problem the school we work at would not accept them. They had to go to local schools. They went to a private kindergarten where some expats would send their kids there. There their skin color is not unique. However when it comes to their behavioral problem other kids generally think that “oh it’s because they’re foreign. They don’t speak Chinese so they don’t understand what the teacher is saying.” The bizarre thing is, many Taiwanese kids have ADHD out there but their behaviors are just not as obvious as my kids’. Statistically every classroom should have at least one or two special needs kids, but they’re all somehow very obedient. Even in my son’s special ed class the other autistic kids or special needs kids are much more obedient than he is. I don’t know if his Irish genes played a role, but I wouldn’t let anyone collect this data anyway. 

Over the years I’ve even heard very stupid things from people around us—are they autistic because they have a white dad? Are they so naughty because they’re white? They’re not autistic; they’re just white and bilingual. They love to hug people; is it because they’re white? They talk a lot to themselves; is it because they’re white? It’s like everything different about them is being attributed to the uniqueness in their looks. Yes, our system is set up so that everyone sees colors. It’s universal. Even in racially homogeneous places like Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam etc people still appreciate men and women with lighter skin tone. Everyone intuitively looks for certain physical features. Us getting that kind of attention constantly is indeed unhealthy, but it’s nothing I can control. 

Am I racist? I think I have been. Remember when we met when I was 19, yes I dated almost exclusively white males. Having grown up in an abusive home with domestic violence and being indulged in American pop culture, it was my only survival strategy. I have been sexually harassed by boys since 4th grade at school and I’ve never told anyone about it and no one could protect me. Hollywood and pop culture in the US provided a refuge for my life. I totally bought into that and built this disillusion about white men. I had a puppy love with a Taiwanese guy at my school when I was 14. He and I rekindled multiple times later in our 20s in California but in the end he decided that we couldn’t have a future together because of my family circumstances and all the traumas I’ve been through require too much emotional resource.  After that abusive relationship I had in 2014, I went back to dating exotic men again. I dated one Indian British guy before I met my husband who had a gorgeous accent lol but that didn’t work out. In the end I decided that being with a white American was still the most familiar thing I could handle because after all I have enough experience navigating in the US system and talk to Americans they way they want to be talked to.

Had I chosen to marry a Taiwanese man, would things be healthier? Well, first I never had a choice in that. I dated multiple Taiwanese and Asian men, and look what happened to me. Besides being abused, I ended up being a third wheel to someone’s relationship multiple times. From my own marriage I have thought about whether life would be easier if I had married a Chinese or Taiwanese man who speaks my native language and can fully communicate with our kids. Would there be much more mutual understanding in our values so that I don’t have to explain every tiny thing cross culturally every day? Even worse, sometimes I wonder if my kids’ autism would have gone undetected if I had married a Taiwanese because some people think that their bilingualism is delaying their language development in each language. However, nobody has firm data on this. These doubts and struggles I have could be unhealthy for me, but given my life experiences I don’t think I was ever given a choice in anything. I’ve always gone with the flow after since I’ve learned my lesson hard in my twenties. I stopped fighting, stopped controlling. I say yes to whatever is presented in life to me. Therefore I dismiss all of these doubts. I only let one thing take over my life, that is my love for my children. No matter how unhealthy the environment is, I will be there to dodge every arrow at them. I want to protect them in every way possible like setting up a trust fund and hiring body guards for them so I’ll never have to worry about them not being independent and getting bullied from their disability when I’m gone, just like how you protect yours with bloodline and genetic proximity. I sometimes find it a blessing that they’re not very good at recognizing people’s faces and remembering people’s names and I have never taught them to differentiate people based on their skin color or appearance. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this before they ask questions but I think I’ll leave the problem for my future self.

I have been very happy to be reconnected to you ten years later and have this honest reflection of myself. It reminds me of the unbearable lightness of my being and I can only stay anchored with loving and protecting my children.

You know the most nauseating thing was that in 2014, I actually tried to call your number at least 4 or 5 times, especially when I was really scared. Each time it went to your voicemail and the voicemail was a man’s voice that I couldn’t recognize. The only time it went through was the one on the last day of 2014, when you told me you just got married. When you told me you actually tried to find me contact info like my Facebook and email but you couldn’t find anything, I really almost puked. It really felt like the whole universe was against me.

***He’s read them. This is where I leave you.