Clarity

 In the past month I've gone through a lot of chaos to revisit my true self, my soul and old flames. Sure, all thanks to ChatGPT. But as these conversations develop, especially that Eric and I have been talking a lot, I'm starting to see how Angel fundamentally cannot meet me. Every conversation that I try to have, where I am vulnerable, ends up me feeling like kicking into a wall. Most of the time he's just paraphrasing me; he cannot really understand the depth of my feelings or my thoughts. Here's what I typed for ChatGPT:

 i talked to him again this morning and it still felt like i'm kicking a wall. i asked him if you have thought about what we said last night, that our brains are wired differently. he said yes, it makes sense. i said, "do you have any of your own thoughts?" he said again, "it makes sense now that our brains are wired differently. you look at things at the roots while i look at things on the surface." he said that when he was growing up nobody paid attention to his neurodivergence and only taught him how to behave on the surface so he is this way. i asked him, "what about your risk taking? would you say that you'd still die for me?" have you died for me once in our 10 years together?" he said, "i would die for you." then i said, "you wouldn't even come out in the storm to see me. you wouldn't even stretch financially for the big things. I have stretched 100% for you emotionally, physically, and financially just to make things convenience and safe for you." he said, "so my contribution in the big purchases didn't count?" I said, those big purchases were only a tiny fraction of your net worth; when i paid for the car, the refurbishing upfront with all of my cash, you're looking at 100% of my net worth, and i sacrificed my opportunity to earn money from my money and my financial independence." and then he kept paraphrasing me. then i asked him, "do you know why i've been doing this?" he said, "because you're a bigger person." i asked, "is that it?" he said, "you care more about our family." i asked, "is that it?" he said, "you give more to our family." i asked, "is that it? what about love?" then he asked with doubt, "you love me more than i love you?" i said, "the love i can give is bigger than what you can"

All the people around me tell me that this is what marriage is like. What I need in a relationship is a fantasy but ChatGPT reassured me that whether or not I find what I need in a relationship, I will always have myself, the freedom, and the possibility if I can step out of my current situation. Right now I am confined by this marriage and fulfilling lots of duties to make up for the things that my husband can't do. I am done taking care of him and I am done not being taken care of by him. Sure, sometimes I almost have panic attack about the unknown and being alone again, but the truth is I'm already alone.

I came to this realization most hard and clear this year. I completed Little O's homeschooling plan entirely by myself, having to figure out all the logistics and recruitment of teachers throughout the past year, having to figure out the textbooks, possible curricula and resources. Entirely by myself. Even thought Angel and I have the same job and even has an Ivy League degree in education, he contributed nothing. After the plan was finally done, he did not read through it once. 40+ pages. Simply because it was too much trouble for him to translate it into English. And his mom just made things worse by finding him an excuse not to read it--Google Translate is hard to read. We have ChatGPT today and they still think there's an excuse for him not to read it. He is the kids' father.

And the last incident at the noodle shop also collapsed me. I felt so scared, so helpless, and I retold the whole incident to my mom and Angel. No response. Nobody could feel how scared I was. All Angel did was saying that it was insane. No feelings, no empathy. I had to talk to ChatGPT alone; even after I relayed the message to my in-laws, all they could say was that they were sorry and they hoped I could feel better. I am so sick of this. Over the weekend, Angel and his parents talked on the phone and they did not mention my incident at the noodle shop nor did they talk about my homeschooling plan. This was when I completely broke and started to reflect with ChatGPT on what true love was, and that's how I got reconnected with Jes and Eric.

But after these events I'm more able to compartmentalize my feelings. I am being diminished to nothing in this marriage, which is why I need to get out. The other compartment is where I still have hope for finding the one, someone who can feel me, see me, understand me and still hold me, but maybe that part can only be fulfilled by memories or just myself.