Predictable

​everything that happened over the past 3 days were just predictable.

1. Richard never followed up again over the past week about coming to the City of Rain. As Friday approached, I became more and more anxious, rather than excited, because I knew he would not just surprise me and show up. So I started the day on Friday as if he would show up and got myself ready for work looking sharp. Then I texted him to see if he was coming to the City of Rain. Then he told me he got sick and couldn’t hop in and out of Taipei for one day from the City of Richard. I wished him well and chitchat for a bit. He said we should do a call at the end of January, but I couldn’t really care less.

I had imagined that the past weekend would have been filled with a lot of fun and great conversations with Richard, so yes there was a lot of disappointment. I tried to move on with the day; it’s not that I have any romantic feelings for him, but for some reason, there’s always a part of me that craves to know in this world who would make me their priority. I know this part of me is very childish and unhealed and honestly I want to call it stupid and naive but it’s just there. I don’t know why no matter how much reading, writing and therapy I do, this part of me just can’t grow up. I want to know so badly how I’d feel today if the newborn me was born into a loving family and was held as soon as I came out of my near death birth. What kind of life would I have today? How would I feel in a relationship with Angel, or with any man that I’ve had feelings for? Would I have cried so many tears in a lifetime? 

At the end of the day I was in a bad mood because of Richard and also Little N’s school admission. Our school wants me to translate his joint evaluation report into English and I’d been spending hours working on it even with ChatGPT. I worked on it all day at work and still haven’t finished it.

After work I left the office with Jinu at the same time. He asked me what I was gonna do this weekend and I told him “nothing”. He said “that sounds nice” and I said “no…it’s not a good nothing.” He asked why, and I couldn’t quite verbalize it. Then he said “you seem anxious today”. And I smiled and said, “you’re good at picking up on these things”. So I told him what was bothering me. As I go through the process of applying Little N to our school, I still have the anxiety of him not being able to get in because our school dismissed my older son Little O in pre-k after just 9 days. Even tho the people and the system are changing, I’m still afraid they might do the same thing. What are my evidences? I spoke to the director of belonging (a new hire this year) about creating an affinity group for parents of special needs, and he mentioned that there are people in our community who think affinity groups are actually exclusive. Call me paranoid, but I don’t feel good when he mentioned that to me because that means he might yield to those people. Affinity groups are so harmless and yet he had to tell me there are opposing forces at our school. A few days ago our head of school at our school wide address said that our students’ parents are the “customers” the “clients”, which makes me feel that in the end the director of belonging would yield to the parents and what our school told me before—we’re transitioning to become more inclusive and to create an academy for special education will all be killed.

Then Jinu said it’s like if you’ve watched your friend get killed by a jaguar you’d be afraid to go into the forest again. I said yeah but I wanna go into the forest again and even play with the jaguar. He said yeah you learn to be more careful and how to be safe when you go into the forest again.

I also told him that the local school where Little N will be placed thinks he’s cognitively ready for the first grade but I don’t think so. He was born in late August so I want him to delay matriculation by a year. Jinu told me that he had to repeat the first grade too and I said that’s very common in the US but doesn’t happen here. He totally understands that Asians do not want social stigmas. He also told me that when he was teaching in the US and teaching AP government, the school wanted him to teach 9th graders in the class to boost their AP scores. They claimed that 9th graders are ready for AP classes cognitively but Jinu thought they were only looking at one aspect of their life; the students had all the other things going on in their life and they needed a balance. I totally agreed with him and told him that I have the guts not to let my kids play his game because as someone who succeeded in this system I know the cost is way too high. But if both here and US are playing the same games, that means I’m still an exile. He also said that I am living with resistance and the cost of it is high. 

What makes me sad is that I wish he hadn’t stayed with me and talked to me and understood me so well, because I do have feelings for him and it’d be easier if he simply couldn’t feel me or understand me.

Saturday was just another day running errands. The weather was so perfect—sunny, dry and cold with clear blue sky. It’s exactly the weather I loved back in the City of Gold. Then I really had this impulse to go to the north coast and bike on the coastline so I decided to text Jinu.

2026/1/10, 12:05:09 PM] Me: The weather is so nice this weekend. You interested in biking?

[2026/1/10, 12:06:22 PM] Me: https://maps.app.goo.gl/somewhere I feel like going back there

[2026/1/10, 4:27:09 PM] Jinu: Oh shoot! Sorry for replying so late. I was with some friends in Xinyi. Did you go on a bike ride?

[2026/1/10, 4:27:49 PM] Me: No. I meant tomorrow.

[2026/1/10, 4:29:31 PM] Jinu: I got dragon boat in the morning but I want to check out ikea about some furniture. What time are you thinking about going? (I don’t have a bike btw)

[2026/1/10, 4:33:22 PM] Me: I’m thinking 11am. You don’t need a bike. I’m renting an e-bike when I get there.

[2026/1/10, 4:41:07 PM] Jinu: Ah ok. It might depend on how I feel after practice. I can get home by 10:45-11:00. Can I be a soft yes?

[2026/1/10, 5:46:36 PM] Me: Sure. I don’t want to keep messing up your IKEA shopping

[2026/1/10, 5:49:25 PM] Jinu: It might be really busy on the weekends so who know if it’s better on a weeknight.

[2026/1/10, 5:52:51 PM] Me: I find it stressful to go there on weekends because I can barely push the shopping cart around and the neihu store doesn’t have most furniture ready on site

[2026/1/10, 5:53:49 PM] Jinu: Haha right? Maybe this is a weeknight activity

[2026/1/10, 6:01:28 PM] Me: Anyway up to you. I already disrupted your IKEA trip once😅

[2026/1/10, 6:03:49 PM] Jinu: I forgot about the first one haha

[2026/1/11, 10:06:36 AM] Jinu: Hey Kendra, I’m leaving Xindian now. I don’t think I can get back in time to Tianmu.

[2026/1/11, 10:14:09 AM] Me: I can pick you up from where you are

[2026/1/11, 10:14:42 AM] Jinu: I got to shower first to wash the sweat and river water.

[2026/1/11, 10:15:57 AM] Me: Haha got it. No problem.

[2026/1/11, 10:16:28 AM] Me: I can wait for you if you really wanna go

[2026/1/11, 10:16:39 AM] Me: But if you’re tired then it’s totally fine

[2026/1/11, 10:16:39 AM] Jinu: Normally it wouldn’t matter but last time I waited to shower at the end of the day, my skin got rashes.

[2026/1/11, 10:18:57 AM] Jinu: I would go but Ive had disrupted sleep last night. I woke up at 3 am because a mosquito bit my hand and arm 4x. So I woke up and sat in bed to catch it. Right when I was about to give up, I remembered your advice to look at the ceiling and walls. And I FOUND IT!! And killed it. There was blood.

[2026/1/11, 10:20:05 AM] Me: Haha sounds satisfying 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:20:10 AM] Me: You should take it easy then

[2026/1/11, 10:20:34 AM] Jinu: It took weeks to find!!

[2026/1/11, 10:20:54 AM] Jinu: If it was a Saturday, I’d come with you! That tunnel looks fun!!

[2026/1/11, 10:24:33 AM] Me: Some other time. It’s more than a tunnel. It’s a 20km loop around the north coast

[2026/1/11, 10:24:51 AM] Jinu: Oh ok. I would have died.

[2026/1/11, 10:25:51 AM] Jinu: I was gonna tell you during our car chat this but text will have to do. I went on a date last night!

[2026/1/11, 10:26:14 AM] Me: Aww how did it go

[2026/1/11, 10:28:58 AM] Jinu: It was good. It was about 3 hours so I guess you can say we enjoyed each other’s company. It’s a bit complicated because she’s heading back to London for work (she lives there) but she’s trying to move to the City of Rain. So as of now, we’re keeping in touch and trying to get to know each other.

[2026/1/11, 10:37:15 AM] Me: Is she a City of Rainer? I was hoping for something juicy like it could be someone I know.🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:37:23 AM] Jinu: Yea

[2026/1/11, 10:37:32 AM] Me: Yea to which question?

[2026/1/11, 10:37:35 AM] JC Kao: 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:37:46 AM] Jinu: But was born and grew up in Vancouver.

[2026/1/11, 10:37:49 AM] Jinu: 😂😂

[2026/1/11, 10:37:59 AM] Me: Ok yea to the first one not the second one

[2026/1/11, 10:38:02 AM] Me: 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:38:03 AM] Jinu: Yes to first question

[2026/1/11, 10:38:23 AM] Me: So it’s someone from online?

[2026/1/11, 10:38:28 AM] Jinu: Yaaaa

[2026/1/11, 10:38:33 AM] Jinu: She chose me

[2026/1/11, 10:38:40 AM] Me: lol

[2026/1/11, 10:38:45 AM] Me: When you say it like that

[2026/1/11, 10:38:56 AM] Me: It almost sounds like destiny 🤣

[2026/1/11, 10:39:36 AM] Jinu: This is gonna require a lot of it for sure.

[2026/1/11, 10:41:29 AM] Me: Lol wait

[2026/1/11, 10:41:37 AM] Me: You felt love at first sight already?

[2026/1/11, 10:43:39 AM] Jinu: Oh no no I feel after my last relationship, I’m more tempered now. I like her enough to keep talking but I want to truly get to know her. But because of the circumstances, I feel it will require destiny if this turns into something more serious and long term.

[2026/1/11, 10:44:20 AM] Me: Yes. Exactly how I feel.

[2026/1/11, 10:46:04 AM] Jinu: I can always count on you for your perception!

[2026/1/11, 10:46:11 AM] Jinu: I did bring up the topic and I appreciated how clear she was.

[2026/1/11, 10:46:31 AM] Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea 😅

[2026/1/11, 10:46:45 AM] Me: How old is she

[2026/1/11, 10:46:44 AM] Jinu: Haha why?

[2026/1/11, 10:46:48 AM] Jinu: 36

[2026/1/11, 10:46:55 AM] Jinu: Older than me

[2026/1/11, 10:47:24 AM] Me: I think I’m not mature enough…or experienced enough…or healed enough. Whichever one it is

[2026/1/11, 10:54:29 AM] Jinu: I’ll still take it into account haha

[2026/1/11, 10:54:54 AM] Jinu: I think both of us are too old enough to play games.

[2026/1/11, 12:00:29 PM] Me: Yeah. Life is too short to be wasted on games

[2026/1/11, 12:00:41 PM] Me: I just arrived at the coastline

‎[2026/1/11, 12:00:55 PM] Me: ‎image omitted I’m imagining myself in California. 

[2026/1/11, 12:41:43 PM] Jinu: Wooooow

[2026/1/11, 12:41:53 PM] Jinu: It does give off California!

[2026/1/11, 12:42:17 PM] Jinu: We were pretty clear in what we’re looking for and values.

[2026/1/11, 12:42:27 PM] Jinu: What did you have for lunch?

[2026/1/11, 12:43:43 PM] Me: Haven’t had it yet, but I’m planning I get the local delicacy which is squid vermicelli or congee and fresh catch cutlass fish. For only 150ntd

[2026/1/11, 1:01:26 PM] Jinu: Cutlass fish!!!

[2026/1/11, 1:01:36 PM] Jinu: Please send me a picture

‎[2026/1/11, 1:05:32 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 1:05:53 PM] Me: The weather here is like perfect City of Rain weather. 13 degrees, dry and sunny.

‎[2026/1/11, 1:08:11 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 1:38:25 PM] Jinu: That looks so good!!

‎[2026/1/11, 2:21:23 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 2:21:41 PM] Me: I rode to the City of East Coast from new City of Rain and then back to new City of Rain.

[2026/1/11, 3:13:07 PM] Jinu: Wow!!

[2026/1/11, 3:15:29 PM] Me:

‎[2026/1/11, 3:15:30 PM] Me: ‎video omitted

‎[2026/1/11, 3:15:30 PM] Me: ‎image omitted

[2026/1/11, 3:16:48 PM] Me: I saw several Harley Davidson clubs and one Volkswagen Beetle club driving on this route today. Perfect weather!!

[2026/1/11, 6:18:43 PM] Jinu: I definitely missed out!

[2026/1/11, 6:38:40 PM] Me: Wish I could find a Sienna club and do a coastline drive with them😌

[2026/1/11, 8:17:37 PM] Jinu: Oh that would be grand

****

The moment he said that he went on a date last night, my heart completely sank. But you know what, I had predicted it. I had visualized the moment a few times before—I knew once he’s found someone to date, we would never go on our outings again and he’d never have the same conversations with me. As you can see I’ve been very chill and adult like in the chat, but I had cried my eyes out as soon as I got on the road for the scenic drive and bike ride. At one point on the bike, I screamed: you were supposed to be doing this with me but you didn’t come! And then I started crying. At another stop, I was alone in a pavilion looking at the ocean waves, and I cried and yelled at the waves: why am I always so alone???? Where the fuck are you??? And then I cried again. (No one could hear me because the ocean’s sounds took over all other sounds and there were barely anyone there anyway.)

I tried to focus on photography. I had my tripod and my phone with me and I kept reminding myself to take photos because it helped me focus on the present visuals and when you give purpose to a day trip like this, your mind sometimes exits the grief mode. Sometimes I wonder if Ivan feels what I feel whenever I take a photo—I’d look at my surroundings, find an angle that gives the best structure and decide what to fit into my photo. Then my mind would just be focused on what I see and try to encapsulate what I see into a picture that stays in my phone forever.

On the other hand, the camera cannot capture everything I see—the proportions of things shown in a photo is never the same as what you see with your bare eyes. More importantly, photos and videos cannot capture the smell of the salty ocean, the touch of humidity on my skin, the icy cold wind trapped in my hair. There have been so many times when I feel the sun or the moon is so big in real life but my camera just can’t catch that. In these situations I’d tell myself to just focus on my senses and not take photos at all.

Somehow my crying today reminded me of Robyn from How I Met Your Mother. She cried her eyes out when Ted started dating Victoria even though she was the one who broke up with Ted. And I think that was how she and Barney ended up sleeping together. I felt that moment so strongly today: I wish I could just be cool and happy that Jinu is going on dates, but when no one is looking I cry my eyes out. Sure, you can say I wish he would choose me, I wish he would realize that we could spend 8 hours together talking and laughing nonstop, I wish he would think of me as special and want to cherish me. I wish for all these things but he doesn’t feel that way. Nobody ever feels that way about me. My therapist asked me to catch myself when these negative thoughts emerge and to tell myself these negatives voices aren’t mine, but it’s been so hard to do. It hurts less for me to just believe that nobody would want to be a part of my messed up life—a life that’s really not about me at all. Before I met Angel, everyone thought my upbringing was messed up and didn’t want to touch my life; now I have two special needs kids and even though I’ve cut myself off from my birth family, people still find my life messed up and would not touch my life, let along walk beside me through the storms. Just no one.