The unknown

Today was supposed to be our students’ first day back to school but I had to take the morning off to take Little N to the hospital for his joint evaluation. The rehab doctor said that even though the orthopedic doctor said his hip dysplasia was still borderline abnormal and it seemed to be moving towards positive healing, from her experience kids with this condition usually suffer from tremendous pain in their 20s and a surgery in their 20s would be much bigger than one now. When I heard this I immediately had terror in my heart. Upon his birth Little N fought through VSD and I spent the entire first year of his life researching heart surgeries and fortunately his heart healed on its own. Then they discovered his retractile testicle and at one point there could also be a need for a surgery but then again, after some tracking it seems to be fine and no surgery is needed so far. Hip dysplasia is something he was born with and we’ve been tracking it upon birth and it has always been a borderline abnormality. The rehab doctor feels pessimistic because his gross motor skills are quite delayed—he can’t balance well compared to kids of his age, but autism could also affect balance and coordination.

His IQ test result is below average but his visual reasoning is way above average. His communication and language use is also behind the curve, but he’s fully bilingual and he’s constantly giving lectures to others. I hate standardized tests but I still feel anxious about whether he could be admitted to our school or not. I really hope he could be admitted because that would save me so much money and logistical arrangements.

In the evening I had another huge fight with Angel again, and it’s about the settlement again. His child support includes costs of education and medicine but given our kids’ special needs they spend more money than the child support he offers. No matter how much I tried to explain my invisible unpaid labor to make their education work for them he just couldn’t accept it. He’s fixated on the fact that he’s spending all his salary on the kids and can’t and won’t spend more money than he makes, even though he’s got a lot of assets from his family money and will have more when his dad dies. In the end I told him what the rehab doctor said to me and my tears just rolled down again. I wanted to hire a physical therapist to work with Little N every day for six months because if his hips don’t improve he will need a surgery, and given the child support in our settlement it doesn’t seem to be able to cover that, although our health insurance pays for 90% of it.

In the end I told him I will sign the settlement the way it is, because I don’t want to have another fight with him anymore. I don’t want to be vulnerable in front of him anymore because in the past 10 years, every time when I tried to convince him of something, it would not work until I told him what scared me.m and cried. And I hate that because he should understand and feel me enough to know my motivation and feelings behind those requests. For example, when I wanted to buy a car, I told him I couldn’t handle taxi drivers saying shit about my kids in the car and driving recklessly and all he cared about was that taxi rides for life cost less than owning a car. In the end I had to cry and yell so that he could understand that I wanted a safe, warm family life for the kids. To me, when he granted my wish at that point he had already lost my heart, because he had to make me feel so much pain before I could get something that we deserved.

During our divorce process I had cried many times similar to this situation and I am tired. I just want to get it signed soon and move on. I don’t want to fight and feel invisible and misunderstood again and again.

Today Eric texted me again. Somehow I’m already thinking about blocking him. He told me he’s been blocked by “friends” before, and I think I now know why.

2026/1/6, 12:34:03 PM] Eric: back at work?

[2026/1/6, 12:48:56 PM] Me: Yes

[2026/1/6, 12:49:00 PM] Me: PD yesterday

[2026/1/6, 12:49:19 PM] Me: You?

[2026/1/6, 12:54:46 PM] Eric: still unemployed..haha

[2026/1/6, 12:54:53 PM] Eric: but wife is back at work this week

(Me thinking: I didn’t ask about your wife but why do you mention your wife? You think I fucking care about your wife? Or you want me to care about your wife?)

[2026/1/6, 12:58:39 PM] Me: You moving away from Manila?

[2026/1/6, 1:03:04 PM] Eric: yes, wife filed her notice

[2026/1/6, 1:03:10 PM] Eric:  moving out at the end of the school year

[2026/1/6, 1:06:30 PM] Me: To where?

[2026/1/6, 1:10:56 PM] Eric: that's TBD. i'm working on several options.

[2026/1/6, 1:11:19 PM] Me: And she’ll just be jobless?

[2026/1/6, 1:11:46 PM] Eric: taking a break, yes

[2026/1/6, 1:11:53 PM] Eric: she's never had time off since she started working

[2026/1/6, 1:13:30 PM] Me: So have I, not even after two c-secs lol

[2026/1/6, 1:13:35 PM] Me: How nice

[2026/1/6, 1:14:02 PM] Eric: her career is still in good shape, so she can just get another job whenever she wants

(Me thinking: why are your so defensive of her? I didn’t even question anything.)

[2026/1/6, 1:14:26 PM] Me: I never see myself that way

[2026/1/6, 1:14:34 PM] Eric: yeah, weird

[2026/1/6, 1:14:40 PM] Me: Weird?

[2026/1/6, 1:14:46 PM] Eric: you see yourself as ultra-competent

[2026/1/6, 1:14:51 PM] Me: For someone who’s lived thru the financial crisis?

[2026/1/6, 1:14:52 PM] Eric: but you don't see your career as in good shape

[2026/1/6, 1:15:04 PM] Me: You don’t leave any gap year on your LinkedIn

[2026/1/6, 1:15:19 PM] Me: No gap year on resume

[2026/1/6, 1:15:22 PM] Eric: i have the same sense, but other people call me paranoid or pessimistic

[2026/1/6, 1:15:35 PM] Me: This is like college career service workshop 101 rule

[2026/1/6, 1:15:45 PM] Eric: lol we're not in college anymore

[2026/1/6, 1:15:54 PM] Me: Sure. Even grad school

[2026/1/6, 1:16:05 PM] Me: Or actually on LinkedIn I get random people asking me for jobs

[2026/1/6, 1:16:12 PM] Eric: she has some ideas for things to put on her CV during the downtime

[2026/1/6, 1:16:21 PM] Me: I don’t ever want to be in that position again

[2026/1/6, 1:16:34 PM] Eric: hah, you're lucky to have that

[2026/1/6, 1:16:44 PM] Me: Whatever you put down on CV it’ll just show as gap year

[2026/1/6, 1:18:03 PM] Eric: that kind of thinking is lame

[2026/1/6, 1:18:34 PM] Me: Not how I think

[2026/1/6, 1:18:38 PM] Me: But how recruiters think

[2026/1/6, 1:18:40 PM] Eric: personally i never held it against applicants when they applied for positions at my company

[2026/1/6, 1:18:52 PM] Me: Your company is not big……

[2026/1/6, 1:18:54 PM] Me: Lol

[2026/1/6, 1:19:09 PM] Me: All the recruiters at large firms do this

[2026/1/6, 1:19:09 PM] Eric: which means i had to actually hire quality people, not just a credential

[2026/1/6, 1:19:21 PM] Me: Ok sure

[2026/1/6, 1:19:44 PM] Eric: by itself, it doesn't have practical relevance

(Me thinking: you sound so much like my dad. He decided to quit his finance career and started a restaurant but all he talks about even now are the “amazing” things he had done when he was in finance. You’re fucking jobless and don’t even have a lead and I don’t give a shit about what you had done when you had a job.)

[2026/1/6, 1:20:12 PM] Eric: in her case, she has good relationships with a number of previous bosses who actively help her with job hunting

[2026/1/6, 1:23:43 PM] JC Kao: Ok

(Me thinking: do you have zero self-esteem now so that you can only flex about your wife, nothing else?)

[2026/1/6, 1:23:57 PM] Me: That’s her circumstance. I’m talking about myself.

[2026/1/6, 1:50:04 PM] Eric: i know

[2026/1/6, 1:51:21 PM] Eric: just think of the alternative. you've lived approximately half your lifespan, but your health span may be shorter than that. do you really want to spend your entire healthy life working full-time with no breaks?

[2026/1/6, 1:51:48 PM] Eric: make your fears and regrets fight each other 😎

[2026/1/6, 1:54:45 PM] Me: I work only 190 days a year. How many more breaks do I need?

[2026/1/6, 1:55:29 PM] Me: Besides I love my job and my colleagues. My HRV is 30% higher during work days than my breaks.

[2026/1/6, 2:04:50 PM] Eric: Hahaha. You’re the opposite of 過勞死

[2026/1/6, 2:05:26 PM] Eric: You’re in danger of 缺勞死

[2026/1/6, 2:05:36 PM] Me: lol sounds about right

[2026/1/6, 2:05:49 PM] Eric: Or your actual labor is far greater at home

[2026/1/6, 2:05:54 PM] Me: I spent the whole morning at the hospital with my son and I had to leave home earlier than a regular work day

[2026/1/6, 2:06:05 PM] Me: For my entire break I never had more than 6 hours of sleep

[2026/1/6, 2:06:06 PM] Eric: Ouch

[2026/1/6, 2:06:08 PM] Me: Per day

[2026/1/6, 2:06:13 PM] Eric: Ouch

[2026/1/6, 2:06:33 PM] Me: I operate on 5 to 6 hours of sleep every day for years

[2026/1/6, 5:21:37 PM] Eric: talking with you is a fantastic form of birth control 🤭

[2026/1/6, 6:58:09 PM] Me: Not everyone has the bandwidth and capacity to be a parent. It’s better for the world if those people don’t have kids. When I was getting Down’s syndrome screening during my pregnancy, I told myself that if the result was positive I would still not have an abortion. I have loved children since I was a child.