Protecting my nervous system

At age almost 40, I'm starting to see how important it is to protect my nervous system. After my 21km bike ride on Sunday, I had terrible night terrors and heart palpitations all night and barely sleep before my Monday morning class. Whenever I woke up, my heart rate would calm down, but as soon as I fell asleep, my heart would be racing and then I'd be sweating--an autonomic system problem.

Last night I got so angry at my mother. It is really quite painful to live under the same roof with someone who doesn't understand me, especially she is my mother who has abandoned me, never protected me, and now is just using her labor to make up for her lost time and alleviate her guilt by helping out with my kids.

She made broccolis for dinner again, and I asked her, "why do you still buy broccolis these days?" She hates broccolis, and I'm not a fan either, and we used to have a lot of broccolis for meals because before I had a restraining order against my dad, he used to buy a lot of them because they were the cheapest greens in the market. My mom said she hated broccolis and it was all purchased by my dad, but now my dad is out of our life (sort of), but why do broccolis still show up at my dinner table?

She said "didn't you guys need to have greens every day?" I said, "yes, but I prefer green leaves, not broccolis." Then she got defensive and angry saying that "how are broccolis not green leaves? You just despise everything I cook. Whatever you wanna eat, why don't you make a list for me?" I said, "you used to say we had so many broccolis at home because dad bought all of them, but how come you still buy them even though dad's not here?" Then she started to make it all about me looking down on everyone in my family. Honestly, I do look down on them. They do not understand my world, but I understand their world, even though my mom claims that I don't understand her, but I have triggered her so many times because I've spoken the truth for her, which means I do understand her. They don't like to read, they have never lived abroad, and they don't know my bilingual world. I now have more and better connections in my work community and I find that the shame carried by my family makes it really hard for me to connect with anyone of them. Whenever they see me, they feel ashamed, and they always think, for decades, that I look down on them, because I'm intellectually gifted. If I used therapy language with them, they don't understand it and would just say I'm the only with problems and that's why I get therapy, because I'm rich.

When you try for so many years to believe that your family are the people who love you the most and have got your back and these are the words that they're giving you, it's just masochistic to keep believing in that and keep trying.

My mom is in my house because she needs the money, and I don't know how much more it'd cost me if I had hired profession helpers. There just seems to be no way to escape from destiny. I really don't want to hurt my nervous system anymore and have to yell at anyone anymore. Little N was disturbed and kept trying to ask me to play with him while I argued with my mom for almost an hour. Later when I apologized to him for yelling and told him that I was sad because nobody understand me, Little N replied, "Mommy I recognize you." My tears just rolled down like that when he said that to me.