Scared.

 How scared do I have to be for the universe to protect me one day? I don’t want to be tough and fight anymore.

After work I picked up my kids. Little O was hungry so we went to his favorite noodle place to pick up food for home. We were lining up behind a man with a backpack. When the man finished his order, he turned and said to me “manage your child”. I taught Little O how to order and then I kept sitting on what that man told me. I decided to confront him.

He claimed that my child brushed his backpack and I had the responsibility to manage my child. I said I was managing my child the whole time and given how tiny the space was, it was inevitable for people to brush into each other. If he didn’t like how packed things are here, he can move somewhere else. He seemed a bit mentally deranged but he was quite articulate. I kept staring at him and he kept laughing. The more I stared at him the harder he laughed. He even wanted to take out his phone to film me. I said I have a minor here so you can’t film him, and also he has autism. If you do this, I will film you too.

Then another customer at the restaurant turned to me and said you can take your discussion outside; this is a place for people to eat. That made me even angrier. In this world, nobody is on my side. Nobody can protect me. I keep fighting while being terrified. Why does our life have to be like this?

This was the same shit that happened to us in New York last summer as well. A man at the restaurant did not like that my child was crying and told me to take my child outdoors until he’s calm. I went back into the restaurant after that man had left. Then I asked the manager and all the waitresses here why they let that man do that to us. They claimed that they didn’t know that’s what happened. I told them that they were discriminating against us for our race and our disability. He claimed that it wasn’t true and that man was a nice man because he was a frequent customer. My husband was there the whole time and he did not stand up for me. We left without having our food and Angel just told them that I believe my wife is right.

Dear X, where are you? I cannot live like this anymore. I am so scared and everything when something like this happens I just wanna hide and runaway. I want to take my kids to a safe place. Nobody can take care of me. In today’s incident Angel was just waiting in the car. He didn’t even see what happened. I had to relay the incident to him and he couldn’t really feel me. I’m starting to hate you X. Where the hell are you when I need you?