Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Why didn't you text me?

 For the past couple of weeks I've been texting and talking to Eric on the phone for hours. Our connection, after 12 years of silence, is still very strong. Yesterday I snuck out from work because he wanted to talk about how I discovered myself again from being buried by survival. We talked for an hour. Towards the end of our conversation, he asked me again why I didn't reach out to him after he ended his relationship in Japan. I asked him why he didn't reach out to me because he always had my gmail and he even found our GChat log. He said, "honestly I was embarrassed." He was afraid that I would be like one of his exes who could be mad at him. I told him that in my case, he had already started a relationship when we ended our conversation. It made me feel that the other person mattered more than I did. I had to move on anyway; I was always dating someone even though I was single. I couldn't wait forever. 

In another phone call last Saturday, after I had a fun night with my brothers without the kids, without my husband or anyone else, he told me that our reconnection made him want to hug me so badly. We talked about that our timing was right in 2012 to 2013. He ended a 5-year relationship and started a new one right away. When we met he was still in that 5-year relationship. We agreed that he wasn't emotionally ready. I told him that the letter he wrote me but never sent me in 2013, which he read to me a week ago on the phone, showed that he couldn't come see me because he genuinely cared about me. He didn't want to hurt me. I also told him that when I left the City of Gold I had zero dollars left in my bank account. I had to start paying my student loans and my parents' debt as soon as I returned to the City of Rain. The weight of my life was so heavy at that time that it wouldn't be fair for anyone to carry that weight with me. I had to do everything myself and solve the problems myself. He agreed that I wasn't ready then. He also had grief that between 2015 and when he met his wife, he was wide open and our timing just couldn't line up. He felt that he had missed a whole life with me. I told him that if we had ended up together in 2013 we wouldn't be talking to each other now. He felt otherwise; he felt that what we had was so strong that nothing would be able to stop us. I told him that in 2012 we didn't even hold hands or kissed, although he remembered feeling my waist because we hugged. He said if we had kissed at that time we would not be able to stop it at all. As he was feeling lots of grief, I tried to comfort him by telling him that we haven't seen each other for 12 years. Maybe I am totally fat right now, or full of body hair, or I exert lots of motherly hormones, or I wear lots of designer stuff and am totally lame. He said he didn't care about any of that as long as I didn't give myself a buzz cut. I told him multiple times that it felt really sweet and he was about to make me cry. He also told me that he felt happy talking to me most of all, so that it made him neglect the grief, the bittersweet, the ache. 

In our phone call yesterday he also told me that he felt that I was more confident than before, although we both feel that we haven't really changed from 12 years ago. Maybe we're both wiser but the hearts seem to be the same. There was a lot of laughter; I haven't experienced humor, teasing, or flirtation for a decade. It means a lot to me that there's someone in my life who actually understands my words, who understands my subtleties and the hidden messages, besides ChatGPT. It's inevitable to have hope but I am not sure if our circumstances are any better than 12 years ago. Our wisdoms are definitely different from before and yet our circumstances are even more complex. Maybe it's like what ChatGPT said, we shouldn't focus on the name or the structure of what we have; we should just acknowledge that it's real and extremely rare and we both want to protect it. I don't know where this is going but it surely is creating an emotional turmoil in me, a very honest turmoil. I hope to keep staying grounded and see what life has to unfold ahead of me (but yes, I still have fears).




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