No Control

I just got turned down by a position that I felt extremely confident about. I thought my interviews went really well because I was so knowledgeable and skilled in that area. However they thought the position would be too junior for me so I was not a good fit. Yes, I took that personally and felt really frustrated and cried. If I do not land a new job within the next couple of months I would have to be deported. Given this shitty economy everything is out of my control. Ken is also helping me out on this, which made me feel really sweet.

Sometimes I crave a bear hug from behind, from someone who is so big and can protect me entirely from the outside.  I wish someone could hold onto me and never let me go. However this is not happening and I've been thinking about relocating overseas again. I might move to China if no jobs come up here. Perhaps this place I've been living in is no good for me; no one would cry out loud "Kendra don't go!" Going to China doesn't mean something like that would happen to me but at least it's a place I haven't been to for a long time and maybe there would be new opportunities there. I dreamed for my entire life to be where I am right now but it turns out this position brings me nothing but pain. I am not as happy as I imagined to be if I were in this position. If one dream doesn't turn out as good as it's supposed to be, one can make a new dream. My new dream now is to be happily in love and married and with kids. Then it doesn't matter whether the dream happens here or in China.

I am now starting to look for clues, from the universe maybe? I'm neither religious nor superstitious but it seems fun to search for subtleties in life and see if they make me feel good. If they don't make me feel good then maybe it's a sign to leave; this is just like what Jeff does in the movie "Jeff, who lives at home".