In need of some space

Today I have finally confirmed with one of Ivan's friends that he's getting married this month. I don't know if he is marrying the girl who was constantly calling and texting him while he and I were dating. I do feel terrible sadness and grief yet because my brother is crashing at my place at the moment I cannot have a bout of good cry. Holding back my tears is very difficult; I feel depressed if I don't allow myself to cry.

Ivan has barely been single. We started dating only shortly before he broke up with his ex and he started dating someone else right after we broke up. I, on the other hand, have been single for almost 3 years since our breakup. Over the past years no one guy actually chased after me; it was always me initiating things and trying to make things happen. I intend to believe that I am desirable by men but I don't feel that yet...

I plan to cry myself to sleep as soon as my brother starts to snore. I need to let the tears out. Everyone I love hurts, except for my dog Baby. I wish she were here right now.