I love water.

I was on a trip with my brother, grandmother, and aunt over the past week as the contract for my last job ended. I was amazed by wonders we saw during the trip; I had been craving to see the Niagara Falls since I was 9 and I finally saw them after 17 years. On the other hand I realized how difficult it is for me to express my true self to my family.

I realized everyone in my family is emotionally shut down. They ask so many rhetoric questions to hide their emotions. My aunt and my mom reveal only good news to my grandmother; my grandmother has no clue of any distressing events or negative emotions in her daughters. I'm afraid that kind of communication pattern will be passed down to me. The interaction and conversations don't feel real although there were still a few moments I feel moved. They give a lot of judgments to everything. I feel the way I grew up is a continuous alternation between slaps on the face and treats. I hate it but I don't know if I have an option to just leave my family, like a complete emotional cutoff rather than just geographic distance.

Recently I've been wondering whether being highly sensitive is a gift or a curse. If I called it a curse, I would be calling myself something negative, and that would be a dangerous place to be. However if it's a gift, why do I feel sad, unsettled, disturbed, angry so frequently? I feel disturbed by things that actually have no impact most other people. Even my brother doesn't hear some tiny noises that I am able to hear (P.S. I am not saying I am hallucinated; I'm saying I can hear things from afar whereas my brother hears those noises only if he gets closer to the source of the noises). That means, me being highly sensitive is biological rather than mental. It's possible to plasticize neurons these days but is it possible to reduce one's hearing and other sensing ability by will?

Cato is flying overseas tomorrow and will not be back for a while. I don't know where I will be for the next step of my career so there is a fair chance that me and Cato will never see each other again because we're not connected electronically and I don't feel there would be any chance he would try to find me back some day. Just like how Ivan has disappeared completely from earth.