50

Yesterday I had another emotional breakdown. I had been feeling nervous about the job hunt thing since last Friday when Ken informed me that there are lots of corporate politics and restructuring going on so there is a lot of uncertainty in giving me an offer. Finally yesterday when I chat with my mom online my tears began to roll down at the coffee shop. It went on for more than 6 hours. I was talking to my mom and then my dad and my tears would not stop. I don't want to give up my dream of staying here; I want to exhaust all my opportunities before I return home. Also, during the 6-hour crying marathon, I was becoming self-destructive again. I hadn't been like that for months, but yesterday I couldn't figure out what makes me happy and the point of living. I felt I owe my family too much and my existence doesn't bring them happiness.

Then I chat with my brother. He thinks I value nothing in myself and my happiness is entirely built on others, my parents especially. Then I realized if I loved myself and decided to pursue my passion, I would hurt and disappoint my family and I have no strength to hurt anyone, especially my family. If I was allowed to love myself in the first place, I would have taken more professional painting classes and become a painter when I was in pre-school. My mom got angry every time when I told her I wanted to be a painter and every time when I did not get an A. In order to make her happy, I sacrificed my happiness.

Anyway, I reviewed a part of the self-help coaching program this morning and the coach wants me to write down 50 strengths I have, so here they are:
1. I have acute senses.
2. I am good at visual aesthetics.
3. I am intelligent.
4. I am humorous.
5. I have an extraordinary perseverance.
6. I am tall, slim, and good-looking.
7. I can be talkative when needed if there is an awkward silence.
8. I am quick-witted.
9. I am good at euphemisms.
10. I am entirely responsible for whatever is assigned to me.
11. I always keep my promises.
12. I am caring and considerate.
13. I have a really good memory, including things from 1 or 2 years old.
14. I am extraordinarily good at being bilingual, native fluency in both languages in reading, writing, and speaking.
15. I am good at being efficient and saving time.
16. I am good at finding market inefficiencies.
17. I am able to understand my dog's body language and connect with her.
18. I am really good at catching people's body language and uncomfortable feelings.
19. I can read people's mind.
20. I can learn very fast.
21. I am artistic.
22. I can handle big situation, such as meeting celebrities or speaking in public.
23. I am a loyal friend.
24. I am good at geeky stuff.
25.