No way back.

After speaking with my relatives in China, I realized I cannot go there. The pay there for someone of my credentials is even lower than what I'd get for working at a coffee shop here. I have no way back. I must find a job in the next 2 months and stay here. I do not have an exit option; exiting is not an option. I must make this work.

Oftentimes I feel lonely here but now I also realize that if I go home or go where I have relatives, I will only feel worse because they will help me beat me up. Here alone I can cry, get angry, anxious whenever I feel like it and although I don't get any support from anyone, I don't have to listen to my family criticizing me, scolding my weakness, neglect, reaffirming my disbelief in myself. I think I am emotionally mature enough to take care of myself. I am ok with myself feeling frustrated, nervous, doubtful, angry, sad, etc and I don't need family around me and give me those judgments to my negative emotions.

I fell asleep when I was at 24 on my list, so now I'm beginning at 25:

25. I am good at Scramble.
26. I am good at tasting and making good food.
27. I am good at photography.
28. I have a superb fashion sense.
29. I have really creative imagination.
30. I feel touched even by subtle emotions of people or my dog.
31. If my family or true friends need me, I will be there.
32. I have 5 friends who are as close, if not more, as my family.
33. I never betray my friends, family, and my dog (although I feel guilty for not being able to take her wherever I live and leaving her with my family).
34. I am good at analyzing psychology.
35. I am quite healthy.
36. I have read, traveled, seen, and listened to a lot of things so I'm a bit of a know-it-all.
37. I am very careful and don't forget things easily; I haven't lost a wallet since I was 7.
38. I am really good with kids and dogs.They all love me.
39. I am also good with middle-age to senior people; somehow they enjoy engaging in intellectual conversations and maintaining lasting friendships with me.
40. I am extremely good with numbers; I can do most calculations in my brain.
41. I always have the ability to renew myself after going through a huge trauma, for example, the time when I got scammed by an organized crime group, the time I was fired, the time I realized I could not afford to attend the Ivy League school that accepted me and had to settle for a school that was remotely comparable (although I have a master's degree from a top-notch school now), and all the heartaches from men. I always stand up.
42. Although having had so many heartaches, I still manage to love myself enough and respect my body that I stick to the principle to have sex only with someone who truly loves me, even though being a 26-year-old virgin gives me doubt some time. However, I believe this way of loving and respecting myself is the right way. I am also certain those who are able to have casual, uncommitted sex are emotionally damaged, empty, or numb.
43. I am very good with money.
44. I am articulate.
45. I am very good at hand crafting, including beading, sewing, making my own jewelry, and nail arts.
46. I never give up on myself no matter how depressed I am; I always hold onto some lines of optimism.
47. I pay attention to and enjoy little things around me.
48. I have the courage to dream big, no matter how bad the reality looks like.
49. I have the ability to figure out right and wrong on my own, no matter what other people, including my family, say.
50. I am curious about almost everything.