Bad habits

Today I've been trying really hard to convince myself that Ian doesn't like me and that I don't care about him either.

Then it just feels so sad to realize that it is impossible to find another Ivan in my life. No one else in the world will treat me like he did. No one else in the world can tolerate my childishness and nonsense and read every forwarded emails that bothered me for me. Everyone else will push me to that fine line. No one else will accept me saying those three words first. No one else will let me be a spoiled baby. In fact, it is also impossible to make another man attached to me.

Why did I fuck it up? Ivan said it was actually my fault; I was a control freak. I find it very difficult to forgive myself.

I wish I could be more mature like every other fucking adult. They take everything so easily, even rejections, heartbreaks, failures, etc.

Just got another rejection from a dream place last Saturday. Mrs. Johanson asked me why others could get in but I could not. I got mad and replied, "so you basically just want me to admit that those people are better than me."

I really should stay more focused on money than on men.