Given up

I have given up on pursuing romance, not from Ian, or anyone. I claim defeat here.

Last night I had a pretty long conversation with him on the phone about my brother's car accident. Basically every of our conversations is composed of despise and demeaning against one another. It's fun to do that. But last night he actually hit me with one thing -- he called me judgmental; he thought that I judge everyone according to their material achievement, such as what school a person went to, what advanced degree a person has, how much money a person makes, etc. The reason why we verbally attack each other all the time is because we both assume that the other person's ego is so huge that it could only be hurt by the person himself/herself; at least that was what he thought of me. However, I admit last night being called judgmental did get my ego.

There, I declare my defeat in this game with Ian. Ivan said that I don't give others opportunities to learn what's inside my head; he's right, and this time I am not going to try either. I am not going to defend myself in front of Ian concerning this, and if he continues to believe that I am an arrogant bossy materialistic nazi bitch then let it be, because I once knew someone who saw right through me without knowing me for a long time.

All of my best friends, close friends, good friends are not as academically/professionally accomplished as me. In fact, I don't even think they make as much money as I do either (although I am still jobless right now). In addition, I love dogs and children and I hate abusers of animals and children to an extreme. I joked about school stuff with Ian because I thought it wouldn't hurt him and I enjoyed bragging about it in front of him because there is nothing else I can be proud of myself other than my intellectual achievement. I don't want to apologize either because he never made it clear that my joke hurt his ego and I don't want to get rid of my ego again for men.

It feels not bad to be a quitter. In fact, I think I have never quit before; I always persisted until I get a blatant rejection from the man right on my head. I have realized that no matter what I do, I can never make a man write something for me. Ian said he writes songs to girls, and I envied those girls, so I figured maybe I could get him write some stuff for me one day. Ian said he once wrote a book for his ex-girlfriend; the book was handwritten and consisted things he wanted to say to her on every page. It turned out that his ex-girlfriend asked him to stop giving her gifts like this and that she preferred gifts that are more tangible, like jewelry, electronics, etc. My response was that if someone wrote a 365-page book like that for me I would be constantly happy for the whole year. No one I have been with has ever written anything for me, not even romantic emails, I believe. Even though Richard wrote something like that in his blog, I can't be sure it was really about me anyway. In conclusion, I will never be treated as a princess because they all think I am already the king.