Happy Birthday

Today was my birthday. It turned out that many people remembered my birthday and wished me happy. Indeed, those who I assumed cared about me did not write me anything, not even on Facebook, while there are quite many people who I've almost forgotten about wished me happy.

Obviously, Ivan forgot about it too.

Recently I've been contacting Ian a lot because of the match-making issue. A couple of nights ago he called me; he said he was bored and wanted to talk to me. I was in the middle of an online game so the conversation lasted for only a while. Then I realized, I sweated when answering the phone; I was nervous. I think my 14-year-old crush on him is back now, but now we're both grownups. He's jaded, and I'm jaded. He still has the ability to make me laugh the whole time during every conversation, but when I really think about dating him I just feel scared. In fact, I feel scared to date anyone again. Even making out with anyone scares me because I am really fragile right now. Being close to someone makes me happy but I just can't accept any failure again. In fact, given a little alcohol I would totally make out with Ian; in fact, it would be a new adventure for me to date someone from my hometown because I've never done that before; and in fact, he lives on the same street with me but somehow we have never bumped into each other in the neighborhood during the past 10 years.

Turning 24, I try to convince myself that being single is amazing because I am open to anyone; I no longer have to avoid checking out and flirting with hot men; the freedom is really there, but the loneliness and fear are really there too.

I wish I could be a stronger person. [Blowing out the candle]