Now, more than you know

X, I really need you now, more than you know.

Yesterday was a weird Sunday. I woke up with an unusual stuffiness in my body and yet I couldn't name it. Then there was the final exchange of text between me and Mars this morning.

I started yesterday morning at 9:37:

"Honest[ly], I feel disappointed that our date was called of[f] the last minute again last night. I was finally getting over you this month and then you suddenly showed up. I couldn't help getting my hopes up. But if you're not for real, please tell me with all honesty because you get over me faster than I get over you. You might not remember what you said on our last date but I will always remember it and believe you meant it when you said it."

He replied 4 minutes later:
"I do remember what I said. My ex came back into the picture as you know and that basically derailed me. I didn't realize it was taking you long to part ways from me, I figured (since I didn't hear from you) that you'd moved on. I contacted you because I had the urge to talk to you and then felt like (if possible) we could go on a date. But in all honesty I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with it. And given how you see things (as I now know) perhaps it's best if we don't."

I replied:
What did you expect me to see these things? I've always been very honest about what I want from the very beginning and you said you wanted it too. Which part have I misunderstood?

He replied an hour later:
Fair point. It's my bad. I'll leave you be.

My reply at noon today:
I don't mean to make you wrong. In fact I blame myself for taking things so seriously and literally. It hurts to see how easy you're letting me go after having said all those things to me. There must be links I'm missing here and I don't believe you lied to me. But anyway, love should be conditional upon an ex, or anyone, getting into the picture. Take care and thanks for the good memory.

I just realized there might be a grammatical mistake in my final correspondence: should it be "how easily you're letting me go"? But somehow that just sounds weird.

This summer has been so hazy. I've been too busy to really savor every moment. The summer has gone in just a snap and I really can't remember much of it. I did hang out with friends many times this summer; I booked a vacation in Australia for Christmas and New Year's. I hired a matchmaker and I've been on a few blind dates, with no further news. I've seen Inside Out, Jurassic World, and Avengers at the movie theater, and I just watched Kingsman on TV. I went to the gym zero times and read zero books this summer.

A few days ago, I woke up in the morning and had this idea in my head before I was fully awake that I had to apply for the Chevening scholarship and study in London for free. It's my last shot to meet me true love. Lately I've spoken with so many people about my relationships and the only consensus they could come up with is that I wouldn't be able to find my true love in the City of Rain because people here are too isolated from the rest of the world and intimidated by the most trivial things. As a woman who's traveled the world, educated at the best institutions in the world, highly financially capable, tall and attractive, and fully bilingual, I've already outgunned more than 99% of the men here. They all believe that British men will be a good fit for me and I kind of have that belief too. I've only spent one summer in the UK my entire life but I get most of my impression of the British from my favorite books (especially Jane Austin's), my favorite romantic movies (Stardust, Notting Hill, About Time, Love Rosie, Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually, and my favorite music (Elton John, Ronan Keating, Adele, Jessie J, Leona Lewis, the Script (OK I'm counting Irish as UK-ish lol)). My plan is to get into LSE with a full scholarship; I won't go if the scholarship only covers the tuition. At first I felt pretty confident of my chances given my master's degree from the best school in the world in the field and my academic track records and now my success in my career as a teacher, but now, as I want it more and more, I feel a bit nervous about my chances.

I have another blind date set up by my matchmaker with a Silicon Valley startup guy who's my age. A while ago, after hearing about what he's done so far, I felt quite intrigued to meet him. But as I am now toying with the idea of living in London for a year to meet the one, I don't even hold any expectation about this blind date tomorrow. Either I don't feel for him, or he doesn't feel for me, or he feels chemistry with me at first and suddenly vanishes. It really hasn't gone any other way my whole fucking life.

X, I wish you could hear me now, and see me and feel me now. I'm barely hanging in there and I really need you. Why can't you just show up yet????