Montage of nostalgia

Thursday night I got a whatsapp text from Mars and we had an hour long conversation on the phone. We were just catching up;he talked about a girl he ran into on the subway the other day who was oblivious about his ethnic background and they actually dated for a while a couple of years ago. He also talked a meditation camp he's going to etc. Most importantly, he asked me out on Saturday night and I agreed.

But then, he bailed tonight, saying that he was tired. I said it all felt very weird. I told him about the dream I had about him the other day. He didn't respond.

My sixth sense was right again. After I finished work today, exhausted, I felt overwhelmed by a rush of gloominess in my body. It was pouring rain and dark. I felt sad, very sad, but I tried to convince myself that I had no evidence yet that he would bail tonight. After I got home, I curled up in my bed and started to cry. Then I texted him asking him if he still wanted to meet tonight. He indeed canceled.

You may say I'm stupid, as many people have already said it to me. But I don't really wanna live in a world where everyone is evil and lying. What would a normal woman respond to Mars in this scenario? Ignore him? Call him a jerk? Block him on whatsapp?

But here's what I remember about the time we had together: we opened up to each other before meeting up in person; he felt surprised that he could open up so much about himself before actually having met me. He said to me, "I am confident of being the man you deserve. Thank you for being so open. I really wanna have something meaningful with you." He used to talk to me every day.

I don't want to believe that none of those wasn't real. They were real. I believe he meant it.

I also believe that every time when Alex said goodbye and always stayed there until I got on the subway or into my building, he meant it too. He wanted to be there when I turned around to look at him, even though I was terrified that he might not be. But he always waited until I really left. I believe he really meant it.

I also believe that Michael meant it when he said that everything he wanted to tell me was in the song Running Around in my Dreams by Tyrone Wells; "I'm as sure as a boy could be, you're the girl that's been running around in my dreams."

I also believe when Sean kissed me, he meant it too. He's not a player and doesn't have a lot of experience. He meant it when he said "I'll still take you to decent restaurants even if I don't sell my spreadsheet."

I believe Eric meant it when he came to my neighborhood to see me when I was down. He meant it when he cried in front of me. He meant it when he took me out for a day to the beach before I left.

I also believe it when PB cried in front of me, the last time we saw each other. When he said he felt so attracted to who I was, I believe he meant it. When he planned those hiking treks in advance, he meant it.

I also believe when Ken smiled whenever he saw me, he meant it. When he bought me strawberry Haagen Dazs to cheer me up, he meant it. When he came to me in the darkest moments of his life, he meant it.