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Workload has gone crazy lately so I haven't been able to update here. Overall I feel very lucky to be making so much money given the ongoing financial crisis. I am very tired at the moment and the headache wouldn't stop after taking several tablets of acetaminophen.

I'm writing now because I had some weird dreams lately. Last night I dreamed about my trip to Australia but somehow I got mixed up with my dream trip to Iceland to see the northern lights. In the dream, I saw Ivan and asked him to join my trip. He told me that he didn't like traveling and he'd found the love of his life now. I felt so angry and sad and kept arguing with him. Images later, I was no longer talking to Ivan but Richard instead. I asked him to join me; he said he loved traveling but he couldn't because he had also found the love of his life. I kept crying and woke up.

During the day I kept thinking about Ivan. When I'm sad and alone, I still sometimes call out his name because he was the only person my entire life who would always embrace me when I felt sad. Today I wondered what would happen if he initiated contact with me telling me that he was divorced and wanted to see me for a closure, or telling me that he could love no one else but me. Would I get back together with him? Yes, I think I would. A part of me still wants him to see who I am now and how much I have matured. A part of me still wants him to hold me when I'm sad. No other men have been able to do that to me.

A few days ago I had another dream about Mars. He was sitting by the window of a bar in a basement, like McLaren's in How I Met Your Mother. It was raining on the outside and I saw him from the outside. I kept shouting words at him through the window but he couldn't hear me and ignored me. I felt so angry and so much pain.