I owe you a call in the pouring rain

Yesterday I got a text message from Ken out of the blue. A second before the WhatsApp notification went off, I thought of him just went through my mind but it wasn't a good thought. I recalled a conversation he had with my cousin Love about how he felt about me; according to him, both people have to be happy in the relationship instead of being with one another simply because they're lonely. He never explained which one of us wasn't feeling happy in the relationship but now I have realized he wasn't happy with me. The moment before the text message rang, I had this thought that maybe he was with me because he was lonely and he never had feelings for me.

In a text message, he asked me how busy I was with work. I replied that I pretty much have to work seven days a week and didn't have time for the gym but I did have time for friends and family. Then I showed the conversation to my brother and my brother said that sounded like I was blowing him off while he was trying to ask me out. So a few hours later I texted him back, asking him if he was interested in going to the maroon five concert with me. He kept saying the ticket was too expensive and he couldn't afford it, but I found it ridiculous because he's the kind of person who can spend three times as much as the concert ticket when drinking with his friends one evening. So I asked jokingly whether he was unemployed and he responded yes. He told me that he was really starting his company at this moment and he has been unemployed for three weeks. I felt quite shocked but of course congratulated him. In fact I felt so happy for him that he finally had The courage to leave the corporate world and do something on his own that he's passion about.

I even thought about offering him the VIP ticket to the concert but of course I didn't. I knew very well that he has a lot more money than that and somehow I just felt that it was simply his excuse not to go out and have fun with me. But then that brings out another question: Why did he ask me whether I was busy or not?

I didn't give it much thought yesterday; as you know, I was very naïve and was indulged in all kinds of the romantic thoughts I had in my head. I didn't feel disappointed by his response either because I always give him the benefit of doubt. That's how much I love him; I always believe everything he says and does to me. I always assume the best in him.

As the tickets were going on sale in just a few days, I reached out to some of my students trying to figure out if anyone of them would be interested in joining me as a VIP. The good news is that I've got a former student who is still in medical school and six years younger than me; he seems to have a crush on me and I like him quite well too. I also have another student who's still in high school and would like to go to the concert with me as well.

So this medical student of mine, let me call him Star. Well actually there's not much going on between us; we have had  lunch together and some late night conversations through texting, including last night when we were discussing our favorite musicians as he decided to join me to go to the concert. He's very skinny not very tall, but he's extremely smart. In fact, when I was teaching his class, he was the first person that I walked to in the class when I was trying to listen to students speak. I don't know what vibes attracted me to him and he seemed to really enjoy my class. I don't know if he felt any kind of romantic chemistry for me; so far I only know that he thinks I have made him a lot more confident and interested in the subject. Actually he was supposed to introduce me to one of his single doctor older brothers but he never did. According to our mutual friends he actually made up some excuses about the subject so we could have lunch together to go over those issues but in fact those issues were so minor when we were having lunch; we spent most of our time talking about our interests and other personal stuff.

I don't want to think to much about Star although I have been thinking about him. He's so much younger than me and I'm just afraid that he's not ready for what I want; maybe he doesn't even like me romantically. All I know for now is that both of us are super excited for maroon five's concert.

So tonight I had planned to write something about Ken, about the epiphany I had today. Sometime during the day I realized why Ken sent me the message yesterday. He wanted to ask me for my help with his work. That's why he asked me if I was busy especially with work. Then I felt angry. I have given him the benefit of doubt every time and he's taking advantage of it, trying to monetize my love for him in his own favor. I thought I was simply giving him unconditional love, I would always be there for him so he could one day realize how precious my love is. Maybe I do live in a world where Ken has never loved me. But is it the end of the world? I used to think it was, well now I'm playing with this idea. A part of me says it is still the end of the world while the other part of me is simply angry and too proud to admit that everything he did for me meant nothing. That would just make the world so cruel and cold. What is the world if everything we believe to be love  is in fact meaningless?

It just hurts so much. It's been such a long time and it still hurts. I wonder who owes me that call in the pouring rain.