I need to talk to you now.

X, I need to talk to you now.

I had a huge fight with my mom tonight when she dropped by my place to bring my cleaned laundry. As we were talking about my brother's future career prospect, one thing led to another and we were back on the sensitive issue that she and my father don't trust me and brother and they can't accept us for who we are.

There were many issues involved, money, reputation, shamefulness, etc. She and my dad still want me to work at a big company and be a CEO or something like that. She and my dad still think that I'm teaching because I'm afraid of challenges and I'm lazy. At one point I got so angry and screamed and tried to smash a glass bottle on my kitchen counter. It didn't break, and fortunately it didn't break. Or I might get hurt or my mom could get hurt.

As we were fighting, the animation Book of Life was playing. I wasn't watching but near the end of the movie, a father said to his son "I am proud of you." My mom was about to leave, I asked her, "are you proud of me?" She simply said, "let's just cut off our contact and everything." I was so mad and continued, "you were never proud of me. When I got into the best high school, you weren't proud of me because it was just a high school. When I got into the best university you weren't proud of me because it wasn't the most popular department. When I got a fellowship for a phd program you weren't proud of me because I got kicked out. When I got my master's degree you weren't proud of me because I had to pay for it and I couldn't find a good job with it." She was silent and left.

For all my life, I've always wanted a loving family. After a lot of soul searching and self help, I realize it's impossible to have one unless I have a loving relationship with my parents. That happy ending won't happen unless there's a happy beginning. I thought my parents have matured over the years and I am so old now, but they haven't. They're still so ashamed of themselves that they seek fame and social status from us. Perhaps not seek, but they want that for us because they don't have it. But that's not what I want. Why can't they just accept that and be proud of that?

The first person I would like to call after this mental breakdown was Jes. But he's married now, and it can't just call him for things like this. Then I thought of Ken. Oh Ken, he made me cry earlier today. Somehow I felt like surfing Facebook on the subway and I saw his latest mobile upload. He's not my friend on Facebook but somehow that one mobile upload on Jan 1 was visible to me--he was golfing in Bali. Yes, Bali. Damn.

Ken is one of the few guys who have been through my family drama with me. Jes, Ivan, Cato, Ken, and Frank have. Well, Frank really didn't do anything. I was sad and he hugged me when I cried and bought me some bubble tea. He also let me crash at his place but he didn't say anything. The last time we talked he hated me for dumping my drama on him.

The other four guys were all supportive. I always calle Jes whenever my family made me sad, until one day he decided to ignore me and shut me out of his life. We already know all the sweet words Ivan said to me when my family got me down; Cato was very reasonable and supportive too, which was why after we broke up I still had the courage to call him for comfort.

Ken went through some drama with me because we were living together. Also, after I quit my job in the city of gold, there were so many things in my family stressing me out and he was there for me. He said I was thinking too much but he never blamed me or judged me. I guess that's because he understood where I came from, like himself, I love everyone but myself. Ken made me feel so sad today. I don't understand fate. Why did he choose to go to Bali? Why did he choose this time to go to Bali as I did? Why did we end up in the city of gold at the same time? Why did we quit our jobs and move back to the city of rain at the same time? Why did we go to Bali at the same time?

I deactivated my Facebook again upon seeing that picture. I don't wanna know if he went there with a girl. It simply hurts too much. I have to forget him. He treated me like a slut and used me for whatever that was to him.

So I have no one to talk to now. X, please say something?

X: my love, I understand all the craziness in your family and I feel your pain. I've seen all your struggle and I know how hard you've worked and how much pain you've been through to get here. I adore your struggle, true preserverance and paramount will power like a fearless fighter. You've already made some impossible possible. Just when no one believed in you, you never gave up and fought till the last second. This has been proven in some of the best accomplishments in your life. People always awe upon hearing your stories. You have accomplished so much more than anyone of your age and most of your peers. You had limited resources and worked your way through all the obstacles and live an enjoyable life now. None of those rich kids can compare to you. I admire you, I adore you. I am proud of you. I'll hold you to sleep tonight. You can cry in my arms and I'm right here and won't go anywhere. Nothing else matters now. You can let go of them.