2014 Gone

I don't have much talent. A lot of people are able to write their pain and grief in words, music, or paint them; I think I'm good with words, but I'm still struggling with the right words to express my feelings.

Yes, again, I'm alone on a New Year's Day. I'm sitting at WB by myself having a mojito. Somehow there are tons of people packing this bar and I'm surrounded by uninteresting typical bar talks. I thought the bar would be quiet today because most people are out of town for the long weekend. But anyway, I'll just stick to my goal tonight--writing an entry summing the past year and the first day of the new year,

I just came home from Bali yesterday. Bali was great. I didn't have any alcohol there at all. I was irritated by Australian schoolies and party goers in Kuta and Seminyak. The traffic was often jammed during the holidays. I almost got scammed by a money changer in Kuta who put up a sign for an incredibly high exchange rate and turned out to be practicing sleight of hand and hid 500,000 IDR every time when I took over the bills. Other than those, my trip was so amazing, relaxing, and filled with love.

I had a cooking class on my last day there. My teachers were two local Balinese cooks who spoke a little English and yet I was able to feel their affection and warmth easily. I learned a five-course meal with one appetizer and two desserts. The kitchen was so hot and at one point I almost gave up learning all the dishes. But I insisted, and appreciated the strength of local Balinese. I finished the class, and had enough food for both myself and my brother for both lunch and dinner. 

To sum up my trip, Bali is beautiful and artistic. I wish I could have brought home all of their handicrafts.  My sketching teacher was so talented; my cooking teachers were so talented; my rafting man was so talented; the local drivers were so talented since they were able to swift through the crowded traffic with their SUVs without a scratch.

But then, I was all alone. No one talked to me when I was hanging out alone on the beach or at a bar, which is usually the case every time when I go to a bar anyway. I'm so fed up with being single, but then according to my brother's experience with his gay partner and the self-help book I've been reading, emotional deprivation always plays a role in any relationship. It's true. I felt that during my trip with my brother too. He is better than any of the men I've been with and very patient with me, but there were still times when I felt so angry about his inconsideration and oblivion. I would be quiet for hours to go through my anger and pain, and then we'd be fine. I guess even the most successful relationship would be like this--I don't expect to be happy and sweet every day, but the two people never give up on each other no matter what, because we understand and trust the nature of the other person, which is kind and deep-feeling.

Then I had a quick review of all the New Years eves in my life--there was only one New Year's Eve when I wasn't alone, which was the countdown to 2009 and I was dating Ivan. However, after the countdown he disappeared to talk to D on the phone wishing her a happy birthday. So I was alone after all. I remember the NYE in 2009, which was when Ivan and I broke up and I was alone at home. On the NYE in 2010, I was in the city of power and I went to the local landmark alone assuming there would be fireworks but there turned out to be none so I went home alone after the countdown. On the NYE of 2011, I just broke up with Cato and had a nervous breakdown in December so I flew back home and spent the night with my dog Baby, which was what we used to do when I was in college. On the NYE of 2012, I just quit my job in the city of gold and all alone. I walked along the pier and watched fireworks. After that I went to a bar and had a champagne by myself. On the NYE of 2013, I was on a small farm at my alma mater watching fireworks from afar by myself because Alex chose his long time girlfriend over me. This year, I landed in the city of rain an hour before noon and worked for a few hours and passed out for some time in the afternoon. In the evening, my parents dropped by and I gave them some gifts from Bali. After that, I just kept cleaning my room and unpacked my luggage till 3 a.m. Now my room is filled with Balinese art.

What really prompted me to leave my apartment tonight was the phone call with Jes. I kept having this headache in my left cerebrum and was still too tired from my trip so I had no intention to leave my apartment. After watching This is Where I Leave You in the afternoon, I felt quite sad and wanted to give it a try again.

Previously I tried to call Jes but like I wrote before, it was forwarded to a voicemail of an unknown man. Tonight I just really felt like talking to him, so I tried again. And it worked. He answered and I first checked with him "hello, is this Jes?" He replie, "yes." I continued, "really? Jes Nelson?" He said, "yes." I said, "well, happy new year, this is Kendra." He sounded surprised and somewhat excited (I guess?), and the we started conversation trying to catch up. He told me that a few months ago he tried to find me on Facebook, email, and the phone but couldn't find me. I told him I did the same thing as well. Then I just felt bittersweet. This was a moment when I didn't know how to put my feelings in words. Yes it was sweet, and yet bitter and painful. Why do we always miss out each other like this?

Not surprisingly, he's married. Surprisingly, he's not married to his step sister that I assumed he'd be married to; he met some girl in September and got married in December. He said it was a good match from the very beginning and they were officiated as a couple at the local courthouse. They didn't have a wedding. He doesn't plan to have kids until he's saved up enough money in a few years so that he can be a stay-at-home dad. I felt sweet and jealous again.

There are a few things that still confuse me, the one on top of mind being--does he love her? I just think, intuitively, if someone marries someone so quickly, they must be certain that the other person "is the one" and they're "madly in love with them". Somehow he didn't use any of those words. He just said they first talked about their childhood, and they shared a lot of common interests. That's it. 

I had to congratulate him but I cried too. I don't think he could tell that I shed some tears. After the phone call, I decided to get out of my bed and put on a nice dress and come to WB.

Why? I haven't been on a decent date for ages. Probably not even once during the entire 2014. I dated Michael, Sean, and Roy, none of whom took me to a nice classy restaurant where I could show up all dressed up. I packed some nice dresses with me to Bali, hoping that I could meet someone who would ask me to go to a nice Christmas dinner, but of course, that didn't happen.

In December, I thought of Jes many times. When I was in Bali, I kept thinking about our pledge--if we're both single when I turn 30, we'd get married. He said if that happened, he'd move to wherever I live even if it's somewhere as expensive as the city of gold because he'd figure out a way to make a living. But now, he's bailed out from our pledge. He's met the one (I hope) and I'm really all alone.

While I was in Bali, images of a lot of men crossed my mind. I don't wanna write about them again. I find myself in a very chaotic state--I'm not sure who I love most. I think I love Ken most, since he's shown up in my mind most frequently, but as I recall those moments when he refused to go out and have fun with me or refused to tell me how he felt about me, I find myself feeling less and less for him. Maybe I love Jes most. We've known each other for ten years. Time really flies. I kept remembering the moment when he told me on the phone that he did love me and that it was so painful for him because we lived so far away. Every time when I'm really at my abyss, he's the only person I feel comfortable talking to. Tonight was no exception, but he's married now so I couldn't speak the truth about how I felt.

After dating all kinds of men, I wish Jes and I had a chance to meet in person and develop a real relationship. Or I (or we) would spend the rest of my life wondering if we'd always loved each other and if we would be each other's happy ever after.

Seriously, I've dated really old men, younger men, shorter men, taller men, local and foreign, educated and uneducated, rich and broke, depressed and not depressed, jaded and emotional, single and not single, employed and unemployed, fat and skinny, big and tiny, well-travelled and conservative, literally every kind. Where are you, X? I'm quite mad at you right now. I think you're not working very hard to get to me.

I'm feeling so many things right now and I can't really use a few simple words to describe the intertwining emotions I have in my gut. 

But of course, there are many things I feel happy about in 2014, mostly financial and career wise. I'm glad I've become such a popular teacher now. My course offerings doubled in 2014, and I've saved enough money to pay off all my student loans and a luxurious trip to Bali for myself and my brother (yea since he's broke I had to pay for all his expenses). I feel really lucky that there are so many students who adore me. I'm also happy that I'm good at my job and I love my job. I'm glad Ken came to me when his cousin died and showed his profound sadness in front of me but no one else. I'm glad I'm still feeling everything and haven't become one of those numb, jaded, cynical workaholics who have nothing else left in their life but money. I still feel everything intensely. I still cry at every episode of how I met your mother and modern family. I still cry upon the thought of Baby. I still cry at every romantic comedy. I cried upon seeing the pictures of the family of the victims of AirAsia. My tears just rolled down like that in the business class lounge which was full of people.

I'm also glad I had the courage to farewell and say no to my friends who weren't supportive and numbed by their own life. My friendship with Carol is over. She had been my friend since 15. She was fed up by my grief caused by relationships and told me that her only goal in life was money. There were a lot of language games involved and I am in no mood to repeat them. I can't be friends with people like that because that's bad influence to my own beliefs and vibe--a world without love is not worth living in.

I am gonna sum up this reflection entry with something I heard in This is Where I Leave You-- The past is the prelude and the future is a black hole, but right now, hurtling north across state lines for no particular reason, I have to say, it feels pretty good to be me.