I'm here.

Today I had a lot of work to do. I gave lectures from 930 in the morning till 6 PM. Then I got a last-minute phone call for last-minute deadline which I successfully completed by 10 p.m. I felt so much exhaustion because I had only five hours of sleep last night and I didn't have breaks in between during the day; besides I found myself having ovulatory bleeding again. Then I couldn't help but break down into tears from time to time. I try to seek comfort by texting Roy, but in vain. All he could tell me was that I had to stop feeling sad and start working. He do not approve of the sad feelings I had like everybody else; most people tell me that I feel sad too easily. However, I value my own sensitivity and emotional openness so I don't ever want to tolerate another man who simply tells me to be in charge of my whole life and term is away when I feel sad.

There aren't many men who are capable of telling me what I want to hear, which is "Kendra, hang in there. I am right here for you. In fact, no one has ever told me this. All of the blame me for being too emotional and sensitive, including my own parents. but is my emotional response unjustified? Don't people feel sad when they have worked more than 12 hours on the Saturday when most people around them are having fun with their significant others or someone they care about? Because of my job, I cannot hang out with other people on the weekday evening or on a Saturday night. I can't even remember the time when I wore a decent dress to a nice restaurant or bar. I said to Roy the other day that I wanted him to take me on the Deezen date so I could wear a nice dress I had never respond. He did not respond to my rant today about how long I have award address either.

He's not capable of giving me the emotional support I want, or I need. I have been fooled by all the sweet words he told me, the sadness behind his eyes. He's nothing different from all other men who were once in my life: they want to see me naked, they want to have sex with me, and once they have come on my naked body, they get tired of me already.

I'm feeling so much pain again as I tried to recall the time when Ken tried to comfort me when I was crying in the city of gold. Ken has never once told me not to cry or that I cry too much. He seems to be The only person who's able to identify with my grief and anger and pain.I could feel but he can feel me and I could feel him too although I don't know if he can feel that I could feel him. He got me a pint of strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice cream when I was sad, as if he was encouraging me to be sad, or in other words, to be myself. I could feel him telling me "Kendra, hang in there. I'm Right here for you", even though of course he is never told me that. How he treated me and his actions spoke to words to me in the most convincing way.

But Ken, where are you now?

I dont know what's going on with my life. I can't even get a 50-year-old man who's getting a divorce, giving out a large fortune, being alienated from his family to fall in love with me. I know I am supposed to stop beating myself up and go with all the crap that the timing is right, or I just haven't met the right person yet. But after so many repeated errors it's hard for me not to blame myself; Roy told me that he feels warm when he sees my smile and he feels tingles in his hands when he holds mine. Once he has seen me naked he loses all the romance with me. He has stopped all the chase. So there must be something wrong with my body?

Maybe I got sexual with the man too soon. But this time I actually thought I had a fair shot at romance with Roy because he's just just damaged as I am, if not more. I thought he would definitely cherish our encounter and pamper me with all his love since he's old and has lost everything. I am wrong again. I never had a shot at true love.