The Abyss of Grief

Why do I have so much grief in me? I'm feeling so much sadness and pain right now; it's as if all the bad emotions I had been pushing down over the past six months are emerging again. I can't stop my tears from rolling down my face; I can't stop feeling the pain in my left chest.

On Monday Roy came by my place during his lunch break and it was the first time we kissed and made out. He dropped by my place and brought me chocolate, strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice cream, and A cup of latte. These are some of the things we have been talking about lately that it would be nice if he one day woke me up with roses, lobsters, coffee, chocolate, and Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream, which are all my favorite things.

And then on Thursday I finished work early, he happened to send me a message and then asked me to hang out for the night. So we had dinner together and then hung out at his place with the TV. It was very nice; of course we made out but we do not have sex; I did give him a blowjob. After God we fell asleep together until I finally woke up because I had to get back to my place. It was very sweet and I felt secure in his embrace.

Then he walked me down to get a cab. It was raining that night and I was holding an umbrella waiting for a cab. Then we kissed, exactly as he had pictured it in his mind. Earlier that evening we talked about how much I enjoyed the rain and how romantic it would be to kiss in the rain. I preferred to kiss in the rain without an umbrella because it feels more passionate that way; he preferred to kiss in the rain with an umbrella because we get some space from under the umbrella and some a creates a bit more coziness. And then his version happened before I got home the cab; we kissed under an umbrella and it was a very romantic image.

Well, it's not my first time kissing in the rain although I will always love kissing in the rain. The first time I kissed in the rain without an umbrella was with Sean. I thought that was my happy ending but apparently it wasn't even close. This time a similar image is giving me another illusion of a happy ending, but I am afraid that it will just slip away like that. I feel terrified and extremely insecure right now. I want to know whatever Roy is doing every second and I want to have that lifelong commitment right now but there's a voice somewhere somehow telling me that it's not happening. Roy thinks that I react to things unnecessarily emotionally but I think my extra sensitivity is usually accurate. I'm feeling his withdrawal and I think it will take place at one point and then I'll be right again. I have tried so hard over the past few years to relax and let go but here I am at the abyss of grief again.

There's one person that I really want to talk to right now--Jes.