For the First Time

For the first time in my life, I ended something unhappy on my own. In the past I have never quit anything that gave me tremendous pain or broken up with a guy who treated me like shit. I always hanged in there until the job forced me out or the guy dumped me. This time I had the bravery to quit my job. Yes, I quit my job last Monday. I think 3 months are enough for me to decide whether I like this company or not and I made up my mind. I liked the technical functions of my job but when it comes to losing my credibility and integrity entirely for the company I really cannot have a good night sleep. Working for a charlatan is not acceptable in my value system and I honor my values.

I have no regrets but I still cried my eyes out for days. Ken made me dinner on the first day. Then I felt so relieved and happy on the second day. After that, I started to feel sad and guilty again because I kept thinking about my family and how much pain we cause each other.

Ken shared an article with me about how people never realize how lucky they are when they are having their luckiest moment. Here's my response to his email:

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Thanks for the article. I feel really touched and triggered.

When I look back at my life, I do feel lucky despite all the sufferings that almost killed me. I've met more people, read more books, seen more things and been to more countries than anyone else in my family. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether I was actually born to my parents because my way of thinking and language skills are just exceptional in my family.

Following the nervous breakdown in the City of Power last winter, I was so surprised by my lack of will to live and promised myself never to go back there again. I found myself an incredible life coach--almost like a magician--and finally learned who I really am and how to live in the present. I love reading at a cafe while listening to the rain, writing my paper by the lake under the cherry blossom, or simply picking flowers at a supermarket. I crave a simple life like that yet somehow it has always seemed to be a luxury to pursue.

For the first time in my life I had the courage to end something painful on my own. I have never had the ability to hurt anyone but myself. I grew up watching my family go from extremely wealthy to extremely poor, my dad divorce my older brother's mother, my older brother turn from a straight-A student to a promiscuous college dropout, my dad marry my mom when he had nothing left to offer my mom, and I have taken the responsibility for their happiness at the expense of my own. If I were never born, my dad would feel much less guilty to my older brother and his mom and my mom would probably be more secure and free. The only thing I could do was to make sure everything I did was flawless so they could feel happy and confident although I have never felt as happy about any of the things I accomplished.

It took me a few years to finally stop taking the blame for my family's unhappiness. They still blame me for wasting their investments and sacrificing my younger brother's future. But at least now I love myself and have the choice to make myself happy, which I believe is the foundation for any success in my life. They might or might never understand this and I have given up explaining myself to them. I hope one day I will have the courage to tell them that I am just a girl.

As for work, my friends in Taiwan hopped from one job to another on a monthly basis during their first year out of school so I don't think I made a mistake. The only difference is that I have to pay the bills on my own. Nevertheless, I still love the City of Gold. It reminds me of all the amazing help I received from you and extraordinary things that happened to me. This place feels more like home.

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Ken has been crashing at my studio apartment for more than a week now. There are moments when I feel he's really gravitating toward me yet there are times when he is withdrawing. Like now, it's almost midnight and he's not back home yet. He has not let me know when he'll be back or where he's at. I would not initiate to find out anyway but I also feel angry having to wake up in the middle of the night and open the door for him. He still has some way to go before he becomes a mature man who can take care of both himself and me. Also, he's been taking anti-depressants again. As for myself, I haven't been seriously depressed for almost a year now. Yes these days have been difficult for me but I have been able to stay positive and to make sure I cry when I feel like crying every day.

I got two VIP tickets to an NBA game on Saturday night. Before that, Ken and I had brunch by the ocean, and then checked out the flugtag event. After that he went to get a haircut and I went grocery shopping. He carried my grocery home and I made dinner. Then we headed to the NBA game. We had so much fun at the game and most important of all, we ran into the Black Eyed Peas at the VIP lounge and snapped a picture with one of the guys. Ken was very happy and excited that night; he told me that day was the happiest day he had ever had in this country. It was definitely one of my happiest days as well.

I don't know how Ken feels about me and I have given up guessing. I can't change how he feels about me and if he wants me he has to be a man.